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 Posted: Mon Dec 01, 2008 1:15 pm
Often times lately I've been angry with people and the world. It just makes me sick how people treat me and each other. Fights and deaths and war and all, even minor arguments and scuffles, bullying and name calling. I just can't stand how stupid people are. Anyways I've always been like this since I was bullies in HS. And it just grew and grew till I just wanted to be a god and change everyone. I've wrote countless journal entries in the past about these feelings. This time I'm going to get to the bottom of it. This time I will find a way to retrain my brain to feel happy about people. I don't like this anger. I just want to be happy and care free. So, now I'm going to start something. I'm going to have a 2 way conversation with myself. Comments are very very welcome.
I can't stand the world...yadda yadda yadda...
Why?
Because it's filthy and it makes me sick.
The world is like that. Take it as it is, but it's also wonderful.
It's not enough. There's just so much bad about the world. It all comes at me at once. I just want to be a god and change everything.
Well, you can't.
Well, guess what. I'm going to overthrow God someday and do a better job.
Why do you feel you can do better. You're just a human. No better than anyone else.
Are you saying that I'm just as crappy as everyone else?!
Not exactly. I'm just saying that you make mistakes, too.
Don't talk to me about mistakes!
You've made a number of them growing up. Some of them big ones. Everyone has, ya know?
... ... I'm not scum!
No, but you are like everyone else.
I'm not scum!
I didn't say that. Why do you think that being like everyone else would make you scum?
Because I don't want to be like the people that hurt others.
Tell me about HS. Did they hurt you in HS?
Yes. That's pretty much where it stems from.
Anyone in particular?
(name omitted)
You don't want to be like him?
That's right! I am better than him in all ways possible. He is garbage. He is the rot of the earth.
So here it is. You want to be superior to everyone else just because you don't want to be an equal with someone that mistreated you in HS. You don't want to be equalled with anyone that gives anyone harm. That's fine, but not everyone is like that and besides, they have their good points.
What good pounts. Even if they did, i'll never see them!
Maybe you won't, but would you accept them, if you saw their good points?
No. Probably not.
That's not good of you.
Are you calling me scum again?
No. I'm just saying that that's a human error about yourself that you can correct.
Like everyone else can correct, but is too lazy to?
Like you're too lazy to as well.
... ... Maybe you're right...
I need to keep this going further someday on myself, so i can continue my therapy.
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Posted: Tue Dec 02, 2008 4:22 pm
Interesting, I'm glad you are able to look at your thoughts objectively like this, and also that you can argue to yourself that everyone is not scum, because they aren't.
I feel like there are people who make bad choices, and people who are led into bad situations. The only people I can't abide are the ones who make those choices willingly and with their eyes open. And even they might someday look back and regret what they've done. People change, people grow, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.
I was bullied during my school years, too, and so I know how that is. For awhile it was quite bad, and with certain people I was caught up in poisonous "friendships" (girls tend to manipulate each other rather than physically bully like most boys would). I think those things still effect me, unfortunately. But I have never thought of being a person like them. They are themselves, and I am myself. Everyone is different, but then again, everyone is the same at the core, as well. They are human people just like you and I. Why they do what they do, I don't know. It's possible they don't even know, themselves.
Personally I don't think to control such people, I would just rather avoid them as much as possible. If you don't want to be a person that hurts people, then don't hurt people. You're still a human being and the people that hurt you are also human beings, but the choices you make and the actions you take with your life don't have to be the same. Ideally it's nice to say every life is equal. It's a hard concept to understand, though, when it seems some people have a much greater or wider-spread impact on the world than others. But perhaps their effect is just more immediate. Or perhaps everything is equal, and so effect and action are all equal as well, if you look at things objectively and without judgement. But I would say that that sort of thinking is on a grander and more existential scale. The immediacy of the situation is you yourself and the world and people around you, and what you choose to do with your life. You can't change the world with god-like abilities, but you can choose to live in a good way, and one's way of life tends to effect and spread to others around them.
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Posted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 6:54 am
Thanks for replying. I just wish people wouldn't be so poisonous and fork tounged, ya know? It's so hard for me to see a lot of the good things in life when i see so much bad, which is why I am the way I am. I also don't understand how others choose to change when they finally do. The only thing I can think of is to chnage them by force. Kinda like saw, only less extreme.
It must be much worse to be a bullied woman rather than a guy. Guys used to just call me things and say i do things or whatever. Others would snub me, too.
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