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 Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 7:17 pm
Hey guys, I found a website that can host text documents so from now on there'll be a link here to my story, instead of me taking up a thread anytime i wanna add another chapter or something. So hopefully this will save space and alot of clicking. Thanks! ^_^
http://www.scribd.com/doc/8416063/Shadow-of-Ahn
Update:
Up the Chapter 3, not sure if i'm done with the chapter there or gonna add more.
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Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 7:38 pm
This is really great! Like, seriously, if this was a book I would buy it. 3nodding
There was one minor error, though. When a new person talks there should be a new paragraph. Other than that, it's amazing!!! Keep up the good work.
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tree-hugging pacifist Captain
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Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 7:59 pm
well thanks =) just started on it yesterday, been working on it for a while since then.
aha! yeah i was a little iffy about that, thanks for pointing that out ^_^
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Posted: Sat Nov 29, 2008 9:47 am
oh, this is really good! ^ ^ i do hav esome things i would like to point out, though (even though i know it's a rough draft)
1. first sentence. it should not be it's own paragraph. put the first and second paragraph back together.
2. "...as three of the remaining guards dropped to the ground dead." remove the word dead. the reader should be able to assume that from the pool of blood and the guards dropping to the ground. if you really need to tell the reader that they are dead, it shuld be another sentence like, "...three of the remaining guards dropped to the ground. they were dead." or "he kicked their lifeless bodies aside," or something.
3. "oh, don't worry" is still in the first paragraph, as it is the same person talking.
4. on the "oh, don't worry" quote, you used the word today twice. it sounds too repetitive.
5. on "Sir, he just......i don't know", you can only have three periods. ever. "Sir, he just . . . I don't know."
6. the king only has one dungeon?
7. the guards can't sit and kneel at the same time. that would be really painful and awkward.
8. you over-use the word "said". do they have no emotion in their voices? "'i doubt we could do it again' said the king..." as compared to "'i doubt we could do it again', muttered the king"
9. "four individuals that who would step forward..."
10. don't forget, there are such things as commas.
11. woah. just how old i this magical dude of escaping? like, 70? 80? if he was killing people since the king was a child, he has to be rather old. unless, of course, the king is just ridiculously young.
12. "that i saw experienced in my childhood"
13. you over-used the ord courtyard.
14. what was the protagonists name? it's generally better to know at or very near the beginning.
your work is very, very good ^ ^ i like it a lot, and i hope you keep writing this. and please don't take my critism harshly. that was page one. i'm taking a break... =___= "
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tree-hugging pacifist Captain
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Posted: Tue Dec 02, 2008 5:42 pm
lol i'll help kyonkyonlvrbaby out a little bit. chapter 3!
~"12 days..." should be changed to "twelve days." I don't know why, but it's a grammar rule to always write out your numbers.
~"'Hold on.' Ellenore said..." should be changed to "'Hold on,' Ellenore said..." You can't have a period at the end of someone's dialogue if you're going to put "she said," or something after it.
~"'...gate.' She said..." should be changed to "'...gate,' she said..."
~I don't know what you meant by this but I think when you said "The only place that boasted a larger populace it was Argus itself..." I think you meant "The only place that boasted a larger populace was Argus itself..."
~"'...busy.' Davan said..." should be changed to "'...busy,' Davan said..."
~Maybe just try rechecking your entire document for anywhere you put a period after someone talks and replace it with a comma. It's pretty common in this story...no offense. :3
~As kyonkyonlvrbaby mentioned earlier, you should never have more than three periods in a row.
~You capitalized the "T" in the word "Three hundred and six." And, mathematically speaking, it should be "three-hundred six" because an and usually accompanies a fraction (three hundred and six tenths). However, it wouldn't matter if you changed it because some people do say three hundred and six, so it's kind of like a dialect issue. I wouldn't change it, just pointing it out. :3
~And just so you don't get confused, you don't need to replace exclamation marks and question marks with commas...just periods. You probably already knew that, but I just thought I'd make that a little clearer as well.
~Since you capitalized "First Order" once you need to keep doing that.
~There is something good you're doing I'd like to point out. If you were to say something like "'The dog chewed on a bone,' she said," but wanted the sentence to stop after "she said," and continue on to the next sentence you would say "'The dog chewed on a bone,' she said. 'It looked like he liked it." Note the period after "she said." This stops the sentence so you can capitalize the next one. If, however, you wanted it to continue, you would say "'Are you sure,' he asked, "that he did?" Note how there was a comma after "he asked" and that the following clause was not capitalized.
~Ava should have said "'I didn't know you had family, Ellenore,'" instead of "'I didn't know you had family Ellenore." Because Ava is addressing Ellenore, there should be a comma after "'I didn't know you had family.'"
~Ava should have also asked "'I thought we were meeting the wizard--the great wizard you mentioned earlier--first,'" because she is clarifying and breaks into the sentence while she is asking it. There is another very common mistake that I think everyone makes. When you begin a sentence with "I thought," there should not be a question mark at the end. Although this sentence uses a questioning tone, you are telling someone that you thought something, thereby making it a statement, which should end with a period.
~You should have said "a small, broken, wooden fence" instead of "a small, broken wooden fence." "Broken" and "wooden" should be separated by a comma because they are both adjectives in a series.
~Random comment: heh heh...the jester sounds like Yoda! heehee...
Yaaay! I think you should keep going. It's good! I like the plot.
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