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I remember reading the naruto one that you did and it was good

I'm submitting this review and feedback to the most current fic from you (from my understanding) called "Whisper".

Now, before I continue, I am by no means a Naruto fan - in fact, quite the opposite, but I understand the series (I do have ears and eyes) and so I looked at this piece strictly from a style stand point.

First off, you had some wonderful things constructed, the explosion concept was interesting and the way you played with it opened well and ended well. I especially enjoyed the line:

"He made the explosion colorful, large, and dangrous. He effectively reduced the girl to ash, and himself, to pieces."

That said, I'm a fan of beats and commas but there are simplistic misspellings. Now, I'm not perfect, no one is, but the spelling could have been handled by spell check and wasn't anything really technical in grammar (that i noticed anyway). I'm not a grammar nazi, but plenty are and I'd hate to have you loose a reader over a single word.

I feel that the whole "love" aspect between the characters really wasn't that clearly defined. Which, understood it wasn't a piece about their love but about his pain - but he was reacting in those means because of that love, and setting it up more concretely wouldn't have hurt anything. No?

I thought the lovely explosion concept could have been applied to the love metaphorically. But that's just how I would take it, something so beautiful and destructive. It could have been played a lot of ways - experiment.

Now, aside from the spelling and explosion bits - the other things that really stood out of the piece were the italicized parts. I'm not sure if it was done purposely but they came off extremely bland and choppy.

They really threw off the beat of the piece. You had a lot of lines that could have been strung together with a simple comma that would keep the reader following after.

Otherwise the only reason I could guess for your reasons for doing such a different style use was to contrast between the two characters. And if that was so - I'd go back and underline that little more. Keep the choppy style but add something like a parallel to the explosion idea - to really define a contrast.

Can you tell i like your explosions? biggrin

Anyway, the last thing I'll comment on is really defining the characters with names a little more - or at least nicknames the readers can identify with. I don't realize it's Sakura until you mention pink hair. That and I'm not much a fan for actually typing out characters screams or significant vocalized emotions such as yelling.

I think you could create some beautiful imagery and significance if you changed those "AHHHHHHH" parts to descriptive actions and expressions. You have a lovely style to do so and I have faith it'd really bring a polish to the piece.

Well that's really it, I wanted to be a little more critical then usual - I figure you posted here to really polish things. I didn't mind reading it in the end - even through my dislike of naruto so good job. The piece has a great start and concept.

Aerith Gast