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 Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 6:15 pm
Ok, so I'll start by saying that this will be a long wall of text, but I REALLY need to vent. Thanks for reading!!
So my mom was 17 and my father screwed her over and she got pregnant with me. My father left her when he found out she was pregnant; because he wasn't "ready" to be a father. Then, after I was born, I began to visit him when I was 1-3 years old, like once a week or something, (I dont really remember) But anyway, my only memory from those visits was sexual abuse. I began to fear men, and would cry whenever they touched me, so my mom took me to counseling and foundout....and the visitaions with my dad stopped, even though I still wanted to see my father, because I still loved him.
When I turned 5 years old, my mom fell in love with my ex-stepdad, *shudders from bad recollections*, and they got married. He didn't like my 3 year old little brother or me, we were kinda like the "baggage" that came along with the marriage. So whenever he babysat us...guess what happened. He abused us. He would hit me over and over, telling me that I was fat and ugly and stupid and worthless, that nobody could ever love me--not even God Himself. My brother...I tried to protect him! *cry* I tried to keep him safe..but I couldn't always. I would call attention to myself, do ANYTHING to keep him from hitting my little brother! When my mom had my youngest brother when I was 8, if I didnt keep the house clean and the baby from crying, guess who got beaten and yelled at for that. Did I mention that he wouldnt feed us? And if he caught me eating anything he would beat me, telling me I would always be fat unless I stopped eating. So we kinda had to provide from ourselves...not too eaasy for little kids, but we did it.
My mom finally found out what was going on and tried to leave him when I was 9, and his mom attacked her while she was feeding my 1-year-old brother in his highchair. The police got called..and they turned out to be the same policemen that had just done a presentation at my school about dysfunctional families at my school. My seven years old brother was crying, and I was I tried as usual to comfort him without crying myself.
When we finnally left, things got SO much better. we were enrolled in chruch school and doing great. Our grades soared. Our relationship with Christ strengthened. I got baptised. And then...that MONSTER won sold custody of my youngest brother!! *cries while typing*. he got him at the end of last schoolyear. In order to punish myself for allowing this to happen to my baby brother..I tried to commit suicide. My mom caught me sezuring after popping the pills and took me to the ER. So that obviously didn't work.
I have always had a low self esteem, and have had an ED since I was in 6th grade. will not eat for 7 days straight, purge if I do eat at all, and exersize until I can no longer stand so I can lose the weight. As of right now, I am 14, 5'0 and 71lbs.
btw: I was just in the ER on monday because I had an ovarian cys burst, and could possibly atain cancer from this genetic problem after I turn 18. gonk
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Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 7:43 pm
Now, I for one would like to see a picture of how you look. Just out of curiosity, because I'm fairly sure you wouldn't look healthy. With a BMI of 13.5 (I worked it out), you're not going to look anything more than a skeleton. Your immune system's going to be shot, you'll keep getting cysts and other problems and if you do get cancer you won't be able to fight it off as well (although I'm sure you won't).
This is probably very scary but don't worry, you can turn the tide and get better.
I think, for starters, you need to get counselling. Very badly. Book yourself in, with a female counsellor (I'm fairly sure you can specify that) and just let it out. Tell them everything and don't hold back, because if you miss things out they won't be able to help you fully.
Hold onto your church, keep a tight hold on your belief if that's what gets you through.
You also need to eat and not purge. If there's a food you like (I'd be vegetarian if not for the existence of bacon sandwiches, for example), then think of that, think of how much you like it and how you enjoy eating it, not depriving yourself of it.
Also, if you do gain a little healthy weight, with whatever method, take some pictures. Stare in the mirror and see how beautiful you look. If you're really in doubt, toss a couple of pics into the guild, and we'll tell you how beautiful you look.
I really, really hope this helps. As I say, counselling first, which should help to sort out the underlying problems about your issues with men and abuse and such, and then you'll feel more empowered to work on the eating.
Keep me informed of your progress- I'll be cheering you along every step of the way.
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Mistress Procellifer Captain
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Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 9:26 pm
Thats sounds like a terrible past.I am most sorry that you had to go through that.In these times though, we have some friends that can help us make it through it all.If you don't have friends then I will be one to you throught the internet.Think happy thoughts and know that you are beautiful, no matter what anyone else may say. heart
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Posted: Sun Jan 11, 2009 9:56 pm
i thank the gods every day i never had to experience anything that horrible. my parents divorced when i was really little, but they've always remained very close friends, and i'm such a daddy's girl it's not even funny. the worst things i ever had to go through at that age was the fact that my mother was diagnosed with Multiple personality disorder, and it was really hard for me not knowing if it was my mother holding me or one of her alters, and when i was 3 or 4 my moms boyfriend beat the crap out of her right in front of me, but after she saw the way it hurt me to see it, she packed our bags, and we moved, with my dad up north away from al the bad things where we had come from. my parents still love me. my mom is still nuts, but she's getting Better al time.
but i can't imagine going through what you have. i admire your courage, and the fact your still hanging on. and even if you don't believe it now, everything will work out the way it's supposed to. miracles may not come in the forms your hoping for, but as long as you don't give up, or give in to the horrors around you, as long as you rise above it, nothing will ever stand between you and happiness. so many people when going through situations like yours end up giving up, and soon they become just like their wicked abusers and end up abusing their children in turn even after feeling the pain of having to experience it. i hope you fin a way to not let what those bastards do to you shape the woman you become. they have already taken so much from you don't let them take the rest of you life as well.
octavia
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