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So I'm in love with and engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years, Chris. And for the most part, he's amazing. He's sweet, faithful, caring, usually sensitive and considerate.

BUT, I'm an intellectual, and as fate would have it, he is not. Long story short, he doesn't meet my intellectual needs as far as providing stimulating conversation and stuff. It's not that he's not bright, he is, but he's really lazy, hates reading, no interest in writing, spends spare time playing games and watching tv. The only productive thing he LIKES to do is draw. I've tried to get him interested in some books and literary films, but the attempts have been nearly fruitless.

We get along great when we're not being serious, like when we're playing video games together or having picnics or just hanging out. But if we come to a disagreement, he doesn't seem to be able to argue in a civilized way. And I can't talk to him on my level. It must sound terribly conceited, but we were raised and educated differently. Plus, he has poor communication skills, though he has improved. So when it comes to serious things, we don't get along well at all.

I know that since we're only 17, he will mature a lot more in the next 5 years or so, since men mature more slowly than women, so maybe I'm expecting a lot of him. But my AP English teacher put it nicely. She said, "I think intellectuals often have it tough, they are more sensitive and take hits harder because they have a hightened awareness of what's going on around them, and may read too far into things." I feel exactly like that, in that Chris doesn't meet my intellectual needs and often misunderstands me, or doesn't understand me at all.

It's even more difficult to resolve this issue when changing him, changing myself and leaving him are not options. On top of THAT, he is pretty much my only close friend. I have some great friends, but none so involved with me that I could rely on them for support. And my family, well that's a whole other topic...So when my only really close friend doesn't or can't understand me, things get really tough.

Can I get some suggestions for possible solutions, or encouragement?

It is funny that I am actually in a similar state with my girlfriend. She usually indulges me when I go off on a rant about metaphysics or politics, and I think that is really all us intellectuals can hope for: a person who not criticize even if they can't contribute. Not to mention, though she was never a fan of academics, she knows all kinds of stuff that can actually accomplish things. She can change oil in a car, cook like a wiz, and has a workers' hands and attitude to get anything she puts her mind to done.

I think my English teacher with a PhD put it best when he said, "If I had to get shipped to war tomorrow, they would probably put me on the front lines to get shot because I would not be much good at anything else."

Though I find academics enriching, it is not the only kind of intelligence. I guess what I am trying to say is that you should not consider him any more or less than your self for the different types of characteristics he brings to the table. I'm sure he puts up with your head-in-the-clouds view of the world, perhaps you should put up with the fact that he does not.

Patience is what you need. Lots of it.

The intellectual issue doesn't seem to be such a big one to me. You simply need to find a group of friends to vent, exchange ideas, debate, etc. The only other thing required is your boyfriend's acceptance of you hanging out with those friends. He can join you guys if he wants to, but he'll have to expect that it's going to be about abstract concepts.

The bigger issue to me is when you come to disagreement, where you say that there are communication problems. It's not so much about arguing in a "civilized" way as asking him to try and be calm, letting him know that it's okay to ask you for time if he needs time to think things through. If he wants to blow off steam after an argument without you around, then he needs to realize that he can just request it. It's going to take a while of you reminding him that he can request these things before it really gets drilled into his brain. Also, he needs to realise that those arguments between you two are actually working to develop the relationship, not to create a rivalry. Once again, more reminders to him about that.

And about your interests, you need to find a closer compromise. Books and literary films are too much on your side instead of his. Try visiting art galleries, going to comic book conventions, exploring art history (even anime history counts), figuring out how his favourite tv shows or movies were produced and what cultural elements they borrowed from, etc.

I do have intellectually stimulating friends, who are all males...and this poses a problem for Chris (the boyfriend) occassionally. But usually he doesn't mind. But the issue is that, while those friends are nice to debate and discuss with, they won't be around when I go to college next year. And they especially won't be around when I marry Chris, and we travel because of his being in the military after college. It will pretty much be just us then. I'm not only concerned with what is presently happening, but the lifetime ahead of me that is to be spent with him.

Communication is a big problem. And I do exactly as you suggested, calm him and explain that we don't have to fight when we argue, and that agruments help resolve issues and bring maturity to relationships. I suppose it may simply be that he is young and not as mature (yet), and that he has lots of testosterone surging through his body. Sometimes he has a hard time remaining calm and collected. He tends to act on instinct instead of reason.

Finally, we do go to art galleries and watch his sort of movies and everything, most of the time. I give for him, instead of compromising, and we also do the compromising things that are in between our tastes, but never anything strictly to my taste. Whenever I do ask him to give that much, it is very politely, and rarely, and he usually refuses. I did, however, get him to read a book with me recently. I had to cut a deal though, that for every two chapters I read he had only to read one. I can't expect him to like reading, though. It's quite normal not to.

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to help too. I should have said that sooner.

eek

Watch out. There's nothing wrong with being engaged but I would not recommend getting married until you are both out of school and know that your relationship can survive the real world. When you leave school and become a young adult, all sorts of new potential experiences and romantic involvements sail into view.