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 Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 10:56 pm
There's no other way I can really put this. I have issues. No, I have subscriptions.
Tonight, I went and scratched through my forehead, making sure that it bled before I stopped. I did this because sometimes, I feel like I don't have any control. Like I am being thrown around in a wind tunnel, and things are never as they appear.
I can't take things for face value, because when I have in the past, it's resulted in some nasty things happening to me.
I feel responsible for everything bad in my life because I've got this horrible need to shoulder blame. I told a counselor about this recently, and he told me that I was playing a role.
I can't stop talking about sex and innuendos and I don't know why. I keep on having dreams wherein I'm having sex, and I don't know why, other than because I'm 19-years-old and a guy.
I fear losing the one I love to someone else, or to myself. My problems make me feel so flawed that I fear if I brought them up with Thorn (my girlfriend), she would get frustrated with me being so selfish, and walk away from me. And it hurts, because there's so much I feel like I need to tell her.
I fear changing, because I don't want to be what she didn't fall in love with. I don't want to be something different than what I was when we started going together. Her lost puppy.
At the same time, I hate being like this. Depressed, and ripping my face open, and seeing counselors, and not having a way to escape it.
I contemplate suicide sometimes, but I'm not so selfish. And I know that Thorn loves me. I just needed to say these things, and apologize for all of them. There's so much more, but I don't want to go into them, because I just... don't know where to start.
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Posted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 10:02 pm
I think you are heading in the right direction with talking to a counselor. Stick with it. You have this fear of changing, but at your age you will see that you still have a lot of mental growing to do. This will cause changes. Just like a baby needs it's mom to hold it's hands until it learns to walk... the same goes for teens. You have so much going on in your life right now, and with each experience you will grow and change from it. Nothing to fear.
And just as you are changing so will your GF. Would you hold her back from her personal growth in order to keep her pleasing to you??
One thing I have noticed more and more through life is that men/boys need to control things. when your lack of control causes you to harm yourself, you need to seek a Dr's help. It starts out small but has the tendency to get bigger and out of control.
Check in ad let us know how you are doing.
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