“Come on Seth! We are almost late!”
A blonde girl around thirteen shouted. Following her was an Asian boy the same age
, chasing after her (Double negative) as fast as he could. The two made a sharp turn in the snowy New York street. They seem
to know where everyone
is, dodging and weaving
through the crowds
of people. (This is is a suggestion, but you have already ommited to us that the "crowd," is a group of people, you do not need to add that last bit, since it is implied already)Up ahead was a blue taxi that seemed to wait for them. The driver stood near the passenger
side? opening the door for them. The two jumped into the back door huffing and puffing. Inside, however, was not a taxi but a large bus. A tall woman stood
there, (wrong their) holding a clipboard and a golden pen.
“Hello, Ms. Rowling!” Seth said as he stepped up.
“Hello, Seth,” the
tall (we already know she is tall, try either a different word for tall, or leave it out completly) woman replied, “Who’s your little friend?”
“Her? She’s my friend –“
“My name is Sarah!” The blonde
said (Well, she didn't just say, she sort of retorted, much more expression than just saying) , pushing Seth out of the way.
“Very well,” Rowling said, “Your seats are in the back. We’ll be
leaving in a few minutes."
“Thank you,” the two replied together before heading to their seats.
After sitting down Sarah looked toward Seth asking, “So that was J. K. Rowling?”
Seth nodded his head, “Her stories are all about her grandfather. Hogwarts was a real place
, her family has a history of
being (weak language) wizards and witches.” The bus lurched forward only to pull back to a stop. The door opened back up and
two (double negative, twins already implies that there are two) twin girls walked in. One of them was dressed in pink the other was
dressed (double usage, there is no need.) in purple. They spoke with Ms. Rowling for a few moments before walking towards the back of
the bus. As they walked, Seth closed his eyes and tried to see if he could feel their magic energy. He, like most fifth generation magi-bearers, had the sight of Cansino which allowed him to see the magic of all magical beings.
It had been spread through an injection given to all third generation magic-bearers to pass on.
( I would explain this a bit more...)As he closed his eyes he could the whole bus eliminated with the magic light. He slowly moved his eyes sight around to see the twins. Just as he reached them the bus suddenly lurched forward and again before taking off. He quickly lost his concentration as he was thrown against the back of seat. (Revision is needed in order for this paragraph to make further sense...)
He threw a glance at Sarah whose face was pressed against the window. Although Seth had been to The Academy the year before, this was Sarah’s first year. He had
remembered forgetting (remembering to forget sounds awkward, try a different word or perhaps describe the feeling a bit more.) his fears as he looked out and saw that they were in the air. He found out later that normal humans had just seen a newly-wed couple leave the taxi and enter a helicopter. He had an amazing fear of heights even though both of his parents had been excellent broomstick riders.
He didn’t know why but he felt something strange about the twins.
He (use his name or something, but two sentences in a row with the same word to start is technically a double negative) didn’t know why
, he could just tell that they weren’t normal witches. He began to yawn and thought of the two hour
flight to The Academy and quietly dozed off as Sarah continued to marvel at the clouds.
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