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Dawn and Dusk: The First Adventure

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chaotic_cat13

PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 3:26 pm


Dawn and Dusk were complete opposites. Dawn was the daughter of a Nightwanderer and Dusk was the daughter of a Daydweller. Though they were cousins, they were quite different. Dawn was a natural-born prankster, and Dusk was always gentle and kind. Dawn, only twelve hours older than her cousin, took advantage of her, though Dusk was not easily susceptible. Dawn was of a poor family, while Dusk's father was King and she was Princess. Dawn relied on elaborate jewelry for beauty, yet Dusk was naturally beautiful.

One day, late in the night, Dawn nearly ran into an old woman. The woman took a long look at Dawn before finally saying in a scratchy voice, "I will need your help, Dawn."

She didn't even wonder how this person knew her name. "What do you need?"

"The Princess. The Daydweller Princess. She is a danger to all Nightwanderers, so the sooner we get rid of her, the better. We figured that as her cousin, you would be able to capture her and bring her back here."

Dawn took a step backward. "No. I can't."

The woman whipped out five crisp, green bills, waving them contemptuously. Dawn noticed that each had the number "100" printed on them. "You can't...or you won't?"

Dawn stared at the $500 hungrily. With that type of money, her family could live well again - she could even replace her cousin as Princess! She took a slow, deep breath and snatched the bills away. "I'll do it tonight," she declared, her voice wavering slightly.

The old woman smiled. "I knew you would."

* * *

Dawn and her best friend Midnight crept into Dusk's room a few hours later, Dawn holding a length of rope. All the Daydwellers were asleep, which made their job easier. "I'm sorry, Dusk," Dawn whispered.

Their sleeping victim lay unsuspecting in her bed. Midnight reached over to rip the covers off.

"No."

Midnight paused. "Dawn, are you-"

"I'm sure." She let the rope fall out of her hands. "This is my family we're talking about. It's not her fault she's a Princess. It's not her fault all the Nightwanderers want her dead. And it shouldn't be our fault if she ends up that way."

With that, she left the room.

* * *

Dawn held the money out to the old woman, forcing herself to keep her face expressionless. "I do not want this."

"But you succeeded! Surely you want-"

"I do not want it."

"I'll triple it. Fifteen hundred dollars. Fifteen hundred! Think what you could-"

"I will not take it. I did not succeed."

"What...but...THEN WHY DID YOU COME BACK HERE?!?"

"My family is more important than any amount of money," Dawn said. As if to prove her point, she released the bills and let them flutter down into the mud. She stepped on them, spun around, and stalked off. "Dusk is my cousin, after all, and you are not. I cannot harm her."

The old woman said nothing more, for Dusk was already gone.


This is the first short story in a small series I'm writing, please comment and tell me what you think.  
PostPosted: Wed Oct 22, 2008 8:42 pm


It's pretty good. But oddly uninviting. Give the characters more depth by showing their thoughts, tell about any grievances the two had against each other. It sounds really good, but it needs more life. And who's midnight?

Shimitana
Captain


Autumn Lynx

PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 5:31 pm


Who was the person who PAID her?  
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