|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 9:39 pm
This is a the first part of a story i started writing. let me know what you think
Some people say that in your life, you get one “High school miracle.” Personally, I haven’t had mine yet. I guess that I will get mine eventually, being in the sophomore year of my high school career. It’s quite boring, and so was Mr. Mark’s class.
The bell rang as I ran out the door, exhausted from him lecturing. I had waited for someone to ask me to homecoming, and now he had asked her, of all people. And there he was, standing in front of me, smiling and waving. I scoffed and walked by him as he turned to me. I look at him in my peripheral vision, and his face is red with embarrassment, and contorted in confusion. “Wait!” he says, running after me. I kept walking and didn’t turn my head.
Just as I reached my class, he caught up to me. “Corrine.” He called.
“What is it Adam?” I turned around and my light grey eyes met his that were so soft green. His eyes stood out from his golden, blond hair; or was it only the sun light that made him appear so handsome? As I wondered, I sighed and waited for a reply.
“What’s wrong with you? You seem—“
“Occupied? Angry? Confused? Or how about all of the above?” I practically yelled. People whirled around us as Adam slowly turned and walked away.
“I think I shouldn’t have said that.” I whispered to myself. Just as I spun on my heels to enter the class, the door opened. It hit me smack in the face and I fell, throwing my books in the air. I landed with a thud and my books came close to flattening my legs. I looked up, and that’s when I noticed him.
One moment he was staring down at me, still holding on to the door and the next he was on the ground, picking up my books. All I did was stare at him. Then I noticed he was talking to me.
“Hello? Are you ok?”
“What?” I blinked. “Oh, yeah. I think so.”
“Well, you don’t look like it.” He smiled weakly, not showing his teeth. I tilted my head.
“What do you mean?”
“Your nose is bleeding.” I jumped up, and he followed, holding my books. With a pained expression on my face, I touched my nose. It hurt a little, but it didn’t feel broken, and it was bleeding. I guess I looked a little scared, because my eyes went wide with what came out of his mouth next.
“Come on. Ill take you to the office.”
I relaxed a little and watched him pick up my bag. We walked silently on the way to the nurse and while I was getting checked out, he just watched me.
In a few minutes, my nose stopped bleeding, and my mystery man was still there. I stood back up and smiled. He smiled back and I signed out of the office. After grabbing my items, we walked outside with out passes.
“What year are you?” I asked blankly.
“Senior, why?”
“Oh nothing.”
“And what about you?”
I looked up. Why was he still talking to me? I thought as I responded. “Sophomore. Corrine Taylor.” I smiled as I stuck my hand out. He returned everything: the smile, the shake, and the name.
“Joey. Joey Michaels”
And my heart melted.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 1:03 pm
I like it so far! I have a few edits for you [as always!]
So Mr. Mark, what subject does he teach? What period is it? How does your character find his class boring, and why exactly did the lecture exhaust her? Try to include that in there.
When you say "I had waited for someone to ask me to homecoming" it sounds like the character is waiting for ANYONE; then when you add "and now he had asked her" it's like, what? Try saying, something like 'i had waited for [him/a certain someone] to as me' or 'and now [that someone] had asked her'. I'm also left wondering who is "her", is she a prep? a slut? what grade? is she mean, nice pretty, does your character have a bad past with her?
"And there he was, standing in front of me..." NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER START A SENTENCE WITH A CONJUNCTION. NEVER.
Remember, For And Nor But Or Yet So, fanboys, never. Just don't.
"I look at him in my peripheral vision" it should be with, not in.
"and his face is red with embarrassment" you're switching tenses. I suggest you make it all past tense, which usually flows better; so, is should be was.
Following that, "says" should then be said.
Its about equal amounts of present and past tense, so make sure to go through the entire thing.
Go over your dialogue too, and literally say it out loud as if you are the character; if it feels un-natural [other than the fact that your talking to yourself] then it probably is a bit cheesy and not realistic. Dilague is very difficult to get it sounding right, so make sure to check it over many times.
You use the word 'and' a lot, if you can eliminate that word altogether, or use a different word or phrasing, please do.
For example: "“What is it Adam?” I turned around and my light grey eyes met his that were so soft green." try taking out 'and', then placing a comma after around.
'“What is it Adam?” I turned around, my light grey eyes met his that were so soft green.'
I was reading over these few sentences because they didn't flow, and I just found the problem:
" I turned around and my light grey eyes met his that were so soft green. His eyes stood out from his golden, blond hair; or was it only the sun light that made him appear so handsome?"
We already see that your talking about eyes, so at the begining of the second sentence you don't need to say 'eyes'. You have also said his in the first sentence, so starting the second one with 'his' is too prepetitive. You can just say 'they' since we already know the subject.
After the word 'hair', I think it needs an adjetive for better flow. Also, you shouldn't put a semi-colon there. If you want one, it belongs after green because you are continuing to talk about his eyes in the next sentence; therefore, they are connected. You are moving on to a new subject when you say 'or was it the sunlight...', so it should be a sentence on its own.
"as Adam slowly turned and walked away." it's like... uh, ok? Was he angry, sad, scared, did he find it funny? We have no idea what is going on with him, and we need to know that.
Do you whisper to yourself in public? I know I don't, unless I'm just saying '********' or 's**t', but seriously... it's more realistic to put 'I think I shouldn't have said that.' in itallics and say 'I thought to myself'.
Ok, I could go on and take an hour typing up edits, but I'll try to wrap it up.
The farther you get into the story, the less description you give. We need those 'big' words distributed throughout the story to thouroughly explain it in its entirity.
You use smile/smiled five times after your person gets hit by the door; synnonyms are magical.
Lastly, you have very short choppy sentences that move the story along as if your giving directions in a hurry 'turn right, right, left, park, bye.'
We want, 'turn right onto muirwood, you'll pass by a lovely park with dogs and a hill thats nice to roll down. Theres even a smelly bathroom that lacks toilet paper! Then keep going past some houses..." ect.
If my metaphor made sense >.<
Edit and reopst please?
[and please don't put like ~ around the [] in your post, or anything, for orginization reasons!
I'm glad you didn't use yellow or lime font, but try to keep to black on here: it's easier on the eyes]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 10:48 pm
Boo summed up a lot of the errors in your story pretty well.
In my opinion, though, the entire thing is a bit cliched; especially how the character knows her crush asked someone else to the dance, but then finds out he likes her, too, as though he's a player.
If you take out some of the 'and' 's that you seem so fond of using, you need to replace it with a semi-colon, not a comma as boo said. Using a comma would cause a comma splice error, AKA a run-on sentence, which is just as bad.
Technically you are allowed to use sentence fragments in a story. However, only use them for effect, NOT because that is how you say the story in your head. If it makes it more dramatic, go for it. Otherwise, leave it out and start a new sentence WITHOUT a preposition.
You need to add more description through the use of a flowing syntax. Not necessarily more adjectives or adverbs. Just more showing of what is happening. Don't say he was angry. Show it by having him slam the locker closed, glare at her, and stomp away. Many times the connotations of word will speak for themselves.
Overall, I would say make the dialogue more realistic and have more showing of action and emotions by using more flowing language, less choppy syntax. The story needs to flow.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
