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 Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 3:04 pm
Overkill
Invisible voices screaming
Physical punches beating
All these images, fleeting
How I wish I was dreaming.
These sins are now paying
The chains are thickly laying
Should I be praying?
What are those voices still saying?
How long will this last?
I can't hide from my past
It's catching up quite fast.
There's something here that I can't grasp.
Cause of Death: unknown
As The wind howls
Outside the building's bowels
As inside the black cat meowls
And the darkened heart knows no fouls,
My payment is a hundred times worse
Than the deeds done for this wretched curse
This cackling I hear is more and more terse.
Tell me, will this be the last time I will ride in this hearse?
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Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 3:10 pm
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Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 7:36 pm
They're good, but for me you overuse the rhyming. In turn it becomes to sing-songy. sweatdrop
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:21 am
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Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 5:33 pm
You don't have to change them. It's your writing. Have it however you want it to be. 3nodding
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Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 1:34 pm
Well, thanks, but I feel that it needs to be edited anyways...I usually edit things I write two or three times before I give up and move on to another idea.
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Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 2:28 pm
I like the rhyming, it reminds me of the scene in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the older one) where they are in the boat, that little song.
There are a few places where it seems that you could trim down the words a bit to keep the tight lines and quick rhymes together.
For example lines 8 and 12 in the first one feel like you could cut one or two words out of each line without loosing much of the meaning, but it would keep the flow a bit further.
In the second poem the lines get less and less uniform as you get towards the end. If this is on purpose that's one thing, try and make it seem intentional buy increasing by a certain amount of syllables per line, if not, maybe try to work on it.
All in all I love the feel of your poetry. They rhyming might not be the best choice for every piece of poetry in the world, but it feels alright in your pieces. Change whatever you like, keep whatever you like. I didn't notice any blaring flaws in it.
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Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 10:17 am
Thanks. I'll try my best.
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