Welcome to Gaia! ::

The Dreamer's Sanctuary

Back to Guilds

 

Tags: Dreams, Fantasy, Roleplays 

Reply Inked Illusions (Writing/Art/Books)
Forever Lost

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

Mr_Koontz

 
Offline
PostPosted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 4:03 pm


Forever Lost

To all of the people I love.

I am forever lost
inside my mind
thinking of you the
entire way.
I walk helplessly
into the
darkness, hoping that
your light
is at the end
of the tunnel.
The light is coming
closer and closer,
I finally make it
out but you
are Forever Lost
to me,
I keep on walking
hoping I will find you;
someday.



edited version.  
PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 1:22 pm


Hmm... Gloomy, but hopeful. The phrase "but to my/dissapointment it is/just an image. " seemed to kind of chop up the rhythm that you had going so that bothered me a little bit.. Maybe a different choice of words or line placement would make it fit better.. I dunno, it might be just me.

I do like the sense of a story that's created, even though it's so short. I felt like it should go on, and this could've elaborated more without losing my interest, which is something that poems don't do often.

All in all, pretty good ^^

o0 Mystic Mama 0o

Rainbow Nerd

 
Offline

Scourged Angel

 
Offline
PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 7:32 pm


It's good. It has a nice flow until I get to but to my dissapointment it is just an image. That section just seems to break it up a bit. And it's disappointment. sweatdrop
PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:17 pm


Thank you for the comments and I will be sure to cnage that part.

it is choppy, but I couldn't think of anything at the time, but i have now.

Mr_Koontz

 
Offline

Sydd Rose
Crew

 
Offline
PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 3:33 am


Some suggestions. As you know, take em or leave em, it's all up to you

Quote:
Forever Lost

To all of the people I love.

I am
forever lost
inside my mind
thinking of you
the entire way.
I walk helplessly
into the darkness,
hoping your light
is at the end-
end of the tunnel.

The light is coming
closer now
and closer still,
I finally make it
out to you
but you are
Forever Lost
to me,
I will keep on
walking
I will find you;
someday.


I apologize for not signifying the changes, but it is fairly obvious. Take however much of this you want, leave the rest.
Reply
Inked Illusions (Writing/Art/Books)
 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
More
Get GCash
Offers
More
Get Items
More Items
More
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
  • Guilds
    fan clubs for the stuff you love
  • Chat
    chat in real time with other Gaians
  • Art Arenas
    browse & rate gaian art galleries
  • Clans
    play zOMG with others
More
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
More
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
More
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum
More
//
//

// //

Have an account? Login Now!

//
//