Help? I've started a fan fiction. Is it good? | Page 1 | Twilight-Related Fanfiction | Guild Forums

Lucy the Imaginary Ninja

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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 11:29 pm

If you don't like the pairing, please be kind enough not to voice your opinion about it. I don't want the story judged on your opinion of the pairing. I like EdwardxBella just as much as I like this pairing. PLEASE respect my work.

Chapter One

Bella looked around the forest as the night wind blew her hair around. She looked up to the black, starless sky. The perfect night for this... an eclipse. She once recalled someone saying, "The clouds I can handle, but I can't fight an Eclipse." Was that really so long ago when he said that to her? Jacob, wasn’t it? Yeah, it had to be. Why would Edward say something like that?
She sighed with sadness, what did she expect anyways? Him to come rushing out of nowhere? Jacob had abandoned her… Wait, that wasn’t right, was it? She had abandoned him by choosing Edward. But now… Something had changed… something about Edward. She thinks him killing so much, even if they were evil vampires bent on her destruction, turned him into something entirely different and she longed for the arms of her best friend. But he was long gone… but she knew how to get him back… Sam Uley.
Bella took something that shimmered in the lightless night… a knife. With slight hesitation she sliced open her arm and waited for him. She saw him long after he saw and smelt her. It was Edward, her Edward, coming towards her with longing eyes. Not eyes longing for her, but for her blood. Killing had diminished his self control and left him longing for blood. And he couldn’t control himself from Bella’s sweet scent …
She closed her eyes tight; she didn’t want to see her “love” like this… Then what she hoped would happen, did. Sam came out of the trees and tackled Edward to the forest floor.
After a moment, of which she knew Edward was listening to his thoughts, Edward growled. “Why? Why? Can’t you smell her blood! Let me GO Sam! I want it… I want her!” Edward had finally lost it. With tears streaming down her cheeks, she passed out because of the blood, hoping for her plan to go the way she planned.

--

Jacob Black stood on the forest floor some where in Canada… or at least he thought it was Canada. He couldn’t be to sure any more.
Then an image flooded his mind, an image from Sam. He was used to images… Images used to try and bring him home… but this one was different. This one was…. Unlikely, but there was no way Sam could’ve made it up.
He saw a bloodthirsty Edward trying to lunge for an unconscious Bella. What was wrong with him?
Jacob took one last glance at the darkened moon and speed out into the night after Bella.

Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 6:06 pm

I like it. Kinda confusing though. Maybe if you had it in one distinctive point of view that would probably make it easier to read, you know?

If you wouldn't mind, would you read my fanfiction Eleven? It's posted here in the guild and I'd really like to get some feedback on it. Here's the link if you're interested.

hospitalflowers

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Kari Twilight Mist

Shameless Bibliophile

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Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2009 8:16 pm

wow it is confusing but it is also defined in that although you do not have the full picture there is enough to keep you from being completly de-railed I also think that although the big picture has yet to be defined (which is common at the beginning of most stories even the Twilight books otherwise the book or story would be over in two chapters) there are a lot of smaller areas that are well-defined because you can clearly see the "now" plus it is intriguing... I can't wait to see more quite honestly!