I don’t know really where to start. This isn't the first time I have wanted to commit suicide. Ever since I was younger, I always had really only myself. No friends, my mom was too busy with work or cleaning, trying to make things perfect. My dad was in the military and so he was busy with work and when he came home, he eat dinner then watch the news. My brother was always just only into himself, he yell at me to just leave him alone or else he tell mom and dad. I had sort of a relationship with my dad, but not my mom or brother. I was bullied easily, even by little kids. When I started junior high, everything was beginning to be smooth. I made four friends. Rachel, Brooke, Allison, and Brittany.
Everything went ok, though I wasn't really social, or anything. During that time though, I also had all these online friends. One of them was my friend Jason, he lived in Canada, and he had schizophrenia, he always disappeared, and he would come onto the MSN. We chat about stuff, it didn't bother me at all. I made a lot of great friends, but things got haywire. Brooke was pretending to be my friend, she thought I was annoying and all. After christmas break, at the guidance, I get to be her friend again. I sleep over at her place and her parents are strict, they are police officers, apparently Brooke said it was my fault that she was having to move and someone was going to beat me up for it.
Things took a bitter twist. People at the table made Brittany tell me that everyone there at the table hated me. That was when I cracked, the next morning, I wrote a suicide note, and handed it to my friend. My parents knew about this, because I broke down in my dads car. Rachel apparently didn't see me as a friend, because I didn't talk much, but when I did talk, it was about anime, which is all I knew. Brooke probably still thought the same about me, Allison used me to buy her things, and Brittany didn't enjoy me. They called me a drama queen and all, when my parents found out about this, my mom wasn't too cheery obviously. She cried, but...I didn't feel as if what she was feeling made any difference.
I don't believe in stuff where I should live for them and not do things, because it will hurt them. It is as if saying, I should just deal with everything by myself and make mom happy. But since when did my mom actually listened to me? She believes Im having school problems because Im a bit fat and I have diabeties. Being fat and having my health issues has nothing to do with this! I will never hurt myself intentionally either. I then started to go to a psychologists, one thing is for sure, I can never talk about anything to that person. I'm not use or comfortable about talking about my problems.
Right now I'm just going to jump to what was the cause of this want to commit suicide. This girl is name Jenn, she is 16, she has divorced parents, and she is really bitter. We met before I went into 7th grade, she was all nice at first, and everything. She had depression and her mother wasn't all that good though. On August 8th...I was the happiest I have ever been, she told me she loved me. So we decided to be together, everything went ok for the starting month. This was even after she just finished dumping her ex-boyfriend Mason who isn't even friends with Jenn. One night, I told her I didn't want to deal with her. She always told me her problems and all, I was really bottled up, and I had to be there for Jenn as well.
She snapped back saying she had enough of dealing with me. That led to me deleting everybody and by the time she apologized, I haven't deleted anyone on AIM or Yahoo!, yet. She apologized and I forgave her. We continued on with our relationship, we began fighting, and all. She continued to snap at me, put her anger out on me, I was one of her only friends that she snapped and placed anger mostly, except her mother and sister. Every other day I would break up with her, but then get back with her. I had a weak heart and I couldn't imagine being able to live on without her. She was the first actual friend I ever had. She always said how I was awesome, deserved better, and how she wants to be there for me, but she never did anything. Jenn actually had gone saying how I was a b***h. I am over reactive, but I don't know what to do, or how to respond to things. I'm not use to them.
My mother was never taught how to deal with her emotions, which is probably why she has depression. Her parents thought everything she did was stupid. So my mom couldn't teach me how to control my emotions. Lets get onto the serious things, she always said fresh start or lets forget the past. She broke up with me in November around Thanksgiving. She broke up with me because of how much misery I was in, but then she went saying she was being hurt with being broken up every other day. When I pointed out her things she said she already knew her problems and so when she pointed out mine, she was controling me, making me believe I didn't know my problems.
I apologized and always thought it was my fault. Around March, Jenn had said she didn't care about me or see me as anything with how much I hurt her. Yeah, I'm somewhat an awful person...I think. Many people told me how awesome i am, yet look what i have done to Jenn, and all. Melanie and Mason kept telling me how awesome I was, but I didn't listen. How can someone awesome be so cruel? Yet they are saying what I think about Jenn, is right. Jenn is very defensive and apparently from Melanie, she is one that doesn't work with relationships. She is looking for that someone, yet she always say she will just go ahead and not get someone, or she will work on getting herself stable.
I have been mean, calling Jenn a b***h. She was and I was letting her get the better of me. I always put more effort to keep us friends and all. She later said when she said that it was because she was in a bitchy mood. I don't know what to believe of her anymore. She didn't even notice I was gone when I went to Walt Disney World. So in May I 'blew her off' as she says it, I just told her why I didn't want to be around anymore. I even made myself disappear and get rid of my feelings, change myself for her. I got away from her in early may, going into mid may, we became friends again. She acted as if she were the only one hurt, saying how she is all nervous and all. That really ticked me right there, where was she when she did the things she did? She always say sorry or deal with it.
I left her, saying I had enough of her bitchyness. Then three to four weeks later, someone tried to make Jenn and I civil. I agreed to give Jenn a second chance, we have been doing good till now. She doesn't talk much, but I talk a lot, but we are online friends, I IM better than I talk as it is. One thing that happened though ever since I left her mid may, I developed a numb mind. My mind is empty and just numb, otherwise it gets headaches, and now I only speak with how I feel. Some days I just stare at the wall or cant sleep, I just lie there for hours. Then at times I will be really hyper at night, when I am on these forums. Lately though, she hasn't been replying to me unless it was in over 10 minutes, I am ok with it. I have enough patience, but she doesn't tell me a lot of things. I understand that, I hurt her a lot. But I said something and she signed off, I apologized. She said she forgave me, then I take what I said back, because...she wasn't replying. She wants to be friends again and I'm giving her a second chance, but i feel everything I do is wrong or something. I had a melt down before midnight central time in the US. I just feel I don't matter, and all I really chat with and all is Jenn.
This girl name Lyds said that I wouldn't get anyone close because of how I am. Then Jenn is all bitter towards me and I get no gratitude really for working my heart out to get our friendship back. She is doing nothing, she can't talk. I ask her something and she saids she doesnt want to be friends when there are conditions. All everyone has ever done was take control of me and tackle my flaws, I dont get any more compliments about me. I have a poor heart and mind, I have only myself, and I know that. When I told Jenn she was making me cry, she did nothing, but continue with how i make our attempts at being friends difficult, and everything just feels my fault.
I want control, I want to be happy, I want to stop crying, I am nothing, but being pointed out and banged on by my flaws and being told bad things or people being bitter to me. I was so afraid of Jenn, my dad needed me, and I just tried to get him to leave me alone for a while so I can get Jenn to back off before I decided to give her another chance, and my mom only said, 'dont get so upset!' People tell me to self-love, I barely know who I am anymore! I can't do anything, I can't even think anymore. I haven't even started high school. I threw the keyboard and banged my head against the wall, but I can't do it hard enough. I want to be alone, yet I have nobody, but myself. This is why I want to die so badly, to relief the pain.
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