Welcome to Gaia! ::

Reply Share Time!
You Never Realized...

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

Have you ever loved your best guyfriend?
  Yes, and we're dating
  No, I like someone else
  Yes
  No
  I don't have a guyfriend at all
View Results

bullets_are_hailing

PostPosted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 12:40 pm


Rated PG-13

Contains Swearing

Have you ever loved someone so close to you and they never realized that the one person for them to love is right in front of them? That's exactly what happened to Angel.

Featuring Jimmy Sullivan of Avenged Sevenfold and Frank Iero of My Chemical Romance





He never realized that I cared for him so much.

Jimmy was possibly the best friend that I ever trusted. We both became inseparable ever since he defended me against some girls that were messing with me in seventh grade.

I remember that moment when we first met:

I was sitting alone at a bench, isolating myself from the rest of the school. No other girls would ever want to talk to me because I was so different. I always was the jeans and t-shirt girl that didn't give a s**t about what she did to her hair while all the other girls were primped and pampered and wore skirts that were almost exposing their underwear.

They were sluts. Now I've come to realize the word that I've been looking for to describe their boasting and insensitive personalities. Once in a while I would look over to them and I always found them pointing at me with painted nails and gossiping their bitchy mouths to their friends, starting rumors and attracting attention. It was surprising to me that they actually decided to walk over to me and bring up the courage to carelessly talk to my face.

"Hey Angela," The leader, Sharie, said as her friends stayed close behind her like puppies following an owner. "Where did you get that shirt? It's so gothic. It fits you!"

Anger coursed its path within my veins. "Why? Do you want one? Or are you afraid that it might actually cover your belly button?"

She frowned at my comeback. "Just because you're jealous that I could eat anything without gaining a pound, doesn't mean you could insult it."

"Hey, at least I'm not anorexic," I gave her a smirk. "By the way, how about wearing pants once in a while?"

I could already see her face getting red as she couldn't think of other words to say to me because she knew I was winning the battle.

Finally, she opened her mouth. "Well, at least I have friends!"

My smile disappeared. Did she really have to bring up something that I knew I couldn't retort against? I was defeated from just one statement. I tried to stop myself from breaking down and crying because it would only give her something else to use against me.

"I do have friends!" I yelled. "Don't ever say that!"

She and her friends gasped at the "inappropriate" language I used.

"Oh yeah?" she sneered. "Who do you have?"

I was speechless again. I didn't have anyone. I paused and quickly thought of the choice to lie and make up a name. "I have-"

"She has me," I turned to see a boy with black hair in front of his face, wearing dark jeans and a Misfits t-shirt. I didn't know him, but he was in my class.

"Leave her alone," he said.

"Maybe I don't want to!" Sharie laughed. "Why do you care, Jimmy?"

"There's a slight chance that I might explain to the teacher that you forged your mom's signature on that behavior slip." he gave her a devilish grin, showing her that he meant business.

She gasped again. "You wouldn't dare, Jimmy Sullivan!"

"Then leave her alone and ******** off," he flipped her off.

She just gave him a look that she will get him back. Then she fixed her ponytail and began strutting elsewhere with her friends.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asked me.

I glanced at him in amazement. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why'd you stick up for me?"

"I hate Sharie," he answered. "She's seriously a brat. I can't really stand her. When I saw her picking on you, I just had to do something. I'm Jimmy by the way.

"I'm Angela," I used my real name. "But you could call me Angel."

"I like that name better," he shook my hand.

"Thanks Jimmy," I gave him a hug impulsively.

"You know I didn't have a friend," he scratched his head. "But I guess I have one now."

"I'm glad to say I have one now, too." And that was the beginning of our friendship.


That was five years ago.

We made other friends too and thinking back at the memory explained the whole reason why I started to secretly crush on him. But then he found out and still thought of me as a friend which was disappointing.

I decided to call him and finally see if he'll start to like me.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Hey Jimmy," I greeted. "I was wondering, do you want to go out?"

"Wait, what do you mean by go out?" he asked.

"I mean like hang out," My voice was shaking and butterflies were in my stomach.

"Okay, sure," I could picture him just shrugging. He hung up the phone, but we never discussed where were going to hang out and when.

After that, we never got to hang out.



The next week, Jimmy told me that he had news for me. He introduced me to a girl with blond hair.

"Angel, I'd like you to meet Kelly," he said, holding her hand. "She's my girlfriend."

Suddenly, I felt a pain in my stomach. It felt like I was stabbed and my heart got shattered into tiny little pieces and thrown away. There was no way of us ending up together now that he had someone to love him. I didn't hate her though. She was really nice and was pretty cool, but she was loved by Jimmy.

"I'm so sorry," my friend Casey said to me supportively. "He never thought of you as a girlfriend, did he?"

I sighed. "No."

I began to walk outside my apartment door.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to be gone for a while."


Six Years Later

I grinned as I read the card.

Congratulations Angel!

The card was embodied with sequins and it showed a glittery wedding dress.

I'm actually getting married. I told myself.

I moved from California to New Jersey and I met Frank. We instantly fell in love and he proposed to me after we dated for a year. I had become successful and so had Frank. He was in a band and I had become a writer, which was I always wanted to be ever since I started scribbling in my notebook.

The wedding was going to take place on Saturday and I was very happy about this situation.

But I looked at who signed the card and I felt upset. The card was signed by Jimmy. Casey called me a few times and told me that Jimmy and Kelly broke up, but were still close friends.

I haven't seen Jimmy ever since that time I left Sacramento six years ago.

Does he know that there's still feelings for him inside of me? My eyes soon began to water.

"Angel, are you alright?" Frank asked me as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Tears of Joy," I said through my soft crying.

"I'm happy we're getting married," he kissed me on my cheek.

"I'm happy, too."



The day of the wedding came faster than I expected and I was extremely nervous while I was getting ready. Casey was helping me with my make-up and my mom was fixing my hair that she curled. After Casey was done, she left the room for a second.

A few moments later, she entered the room again and said, "Angel, there's somebody here to see you. He's coming in right now."

"If it's Frank, tell him that it's bad luck for the bride and groom to see each other before the wedding!" my mother reminded her.

Jimmy walked in. "I'm not Frank."

I just looked up at him. "Jimmy, you're here?"

"I can't miss my best friend's wedding," he pulled me into a hug. "Uh, Angel, I need to talk to you alone."

"But the ceremony's about to start soon," I objected.

"Just please talk to me," his eyes seemed urgent.

"Okay," I nodded.

We walked into a separate room. Jimmy spoke immediately. "So I hear that you've become a writer."

"Yes, it's what I dreamt of being."

He kissed me surprisingly, leaving me in shock. "Why did you do that? You can't do that. I'm getting married. I-"

"I love you, Angel," he said. "I finally have come to realize that I'm in love with you."

Sadly, I shook my head. "I'm sorry, Jimmy. It's too late. I don't love you anymore. I love Frank."

I walked out the room.

Jimmy said one last thing. "Well, I'm glad you got what you wanted."

I stopped. "There was one thing that I wanted, but I didn't get it."

"What was it?" he asked.

I gave him a sad look. "It was you."

Without looking back, I took the bouquet and began walking up the aisle.



THE END
 
PostPosted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 7:58 pm


I have to go, but i will be back for review.

Twisted_Seraph

Shirtless Conversationalist


writing_Kat

PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 8:30 am


It is fairly well written. Just one thing. YOu used cusswords so much they didn't really flow. They fit in the dialogue but when describing things it seems like over kill.
PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 8:53 am



I liked it. =]
But I'm agreeing with the person above me. In fourth grade, little kids didn't really know all those words. It kinda gives it an odd flow.
But otherwise, I almost started crying. xDD

mel0deis
Crew


bullets_are_hailing

PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 8:58 pm


mel0deis

I liked it. =]
But I'm agreeing with the person above me. In fourth grade, little kids didn't really know all those words. It kinda gives it an odd flow.
But otherwise, I almost started crying. xDD


Um, is it bad for me to tell you that swearing is what
we mostly did in my school? [yes, we're bad]
Also, we're talking about Jimmy [The Rev] of Avenged Sevenfold here.
PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 9:43 pm


Oh, so there were originally swear words in there. That makes sense. :] You left in the reference after you took out one of the words:

"I do have friends!" I yelled. "Don't ever say that!"

She and her friends gasped at the "inappropriate" language I used.


So yeah, that needs fixing. Great story though! I really liked it. The characters did seem a bit mature for their age, so I would suggest trying to go back and rewriting everything the way it would seem from the point of view of a child that age, including the dialogue.

Also, instead of Angel and Jimmy blatantly saying:

"You know I didn't have a friend," he scratched his head. "But I guess I have one now."

"I'm glad to say I have one now, too."


...you might want to hint at their friendship beginning, such as instead of hugging him (would be awkward, having only known each other for two minutes and being of opposite genders--generally doesn't happen among children in the awkward adolescent stage) you might have them smile at each other, a subtle hint at the friendship to come. Show, don't tell.

I really like how you wove details about the characters into the conversation, but I would caution against overly steriotypical characters: the goth with no friends and the anorexic, mean, slutty prep. Try adding in less steriotypical details: maybe Angel wears unfashionable clothes (not necessarily "goth" and once cried in PE, or she once ratted one of the girls out to a teacher for cheating, etc. Remember that schoolchildren are subjected to dress codes as well, and in order to not have to change into PE clothes, they're not allowed to wear belly shirts--might want to change that comment slightly... etc. Just watch out for the steriotypes. :]

Also, at the end, try to avoid blatant statements like:

"I love you, Angel," he said. "I finally have come to realize that I'm in love with you."

Sadly, I shook my head. "I'm sorry, Jimmy. It's too late. I don't love you anymore. I love Frank."


Try something a little less subtle, such as:

"Angel... I just wanted to tell you how much you mean to me."

Her fingers playing nervously with the satin of her dress, Angel gazed at him, enraptured. "Jimmy, I know we've been so close in the past and I miss that too, it's just..." she paused, trailing off, exhaling a breeze through her wedding veil. Clumsily, she fumbled it back and off her face.

His eyes locked onto hers, waiting for the rest of the sentence. "It's just?" His voice was low.

"Jimmy, I just think..." She glanced down, away from the grip of his irises, then back up to them again.

"Angel."

She was silent.

"Angel, I've known you since seventh grade. And now, I mean, we're so much older; I know you won't feel the sa--I mean, you're getting
married, it's just... Angel, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you while we've been apart. Not for one damn moment the past six years."

"And you're telling me this on my
wedding day?" her voice broke.

Note how I also used actions by the characters to portray their emotions and intentions further. This is vital in character development.

Also, it seems unlikely he'd admit something so heavy after not seeing her for six years... so try making an element of the scene that he knows he'll probably never see her again after he leaves, so he has nothing to lose.

All in all though, I think it's an excelent story--definitely one of the better ones I've seen in this guild. I know it may seem like there's a lot to alter throughout the story, but these crucial writing techniques will greatly improve many aspects of your writing, and namely, this story. I think you did an excellent job, and you really made Angel vulnerable yet strong, and easy to relate to, which is one of the most important aspects of a story. Really good job. :]

Aevy
Captain


WriterPrincess1984

PostPosted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 2:17 pm


Very good! I agree with Cheese about altering the stereotypical characters. The story idea was really good. you could turn it into something bigger with some more details added.
Reply
Share Time!

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum
//
//

// //

Have an account? Login Now!

//
//