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 Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 7:28 pm
I was pissed off at the gaia forums for critisizing me about my problems...doesn't that happen to anybody?
Finally, I release my emotions that were hidden
I spread them out to the world
They make me feel like feeling is forbidden
They break my wings as they unfurl
Why is the world so apathetic?
I tell people I need to fix what I've done
They tell me that I'm pathetic
They say tell me that there is no one
They don't want to hear me
They tell me it's cliche
It's only me whom they disagree
They throw me back into dismay
Why do they not care?
They make me feel alone
They just look at me and compare
They console in a sarcastic tone
The world is a cruel place to live
For beating me when I'm down..
It's something I cannot forgive
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Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 6:50 pm
..........ok, that was nice. =^.^=
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Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 9:06 am
I love the lines:
"They break my wings as they unfurl"
and
"They make me feel like feeling is forbidden"
Those are such great lines!!
'Nay Realizes your amazing poetry skills. ^.^
Just a word of advice, after you write, read the whole thing over out loud. Some of the wording doesn't make sense when you do that, so it's a good way to edit your writing. ^.^
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Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 9:40 am
I agree with 'Nay.
your rhythm and rhyme schemes aren't constant throughout. If you want to improve this piece, try to edit and find better words.
love the 'unfurl' line.
I also thought it was a bit drawn out. I don't know though.
To me, it turned from a poem with an emo twist to one I've seen a million times =/
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