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 Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 12:30 am
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Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 12:45 am
A guy is pulled over on his way home from the bar and undergoes one of those are-you-sober-enough-to-drive-tests. While doing it an accident happens and the cops run off on foot to help out. The guy decides to get away while he can and jumps into the car. He gets home without any problems and parks the car in his garage.
No one will ever know, right?
So, the next morning the cops come knocking on his door. They ask him where he was last night and he says he was just chillin' at home.
"Yeah? Would you mind opening you garage and show us your vehicle?"
The guy doesn't see any harm and complies. In his garage he finds... a squad car.
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Posted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 9:33 pm
This is supposedly the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.
- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
- This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 4:09 am
Is Windows a virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
So it seems Windows is a virus, but there are some fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, run on a wide range of hardware, have fast, compact and efficient program code, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So, Windows is not a virus.
Found here!
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Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 3:51 am
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Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 1:32 am
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Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 10:38 am
About the BritishA list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers..."May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage." "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me." During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided." "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door." "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?" "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"
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Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 4:51 pm
well nothing's funnier than real life....
i work as a 'sales associate' in officemax lol (sales associate my bum im usually cashier lol)
anyway i was workin one day and one of my co-workers came in n he decided since we were slow he'd chat....
here's the conversation we had (im in red, he's in green):
*leans on my counter* hey eva? u ever see a dog have puppies?
*gives a weird look* yeeeeaaaaah...... actually my dog had puppies last winter n me n my roommate delivered them..... why?
*looks a little nervous* well i saw somethin on tv last night.....
*sarcastic* .... a dog havin puppies im guessin?
well yeah..... its just.... well nevermind.....
*against my better judgment* wat antoine? just tell me...
.... well.... its just that..... i didn't no that they had puppies like that that's all......
*looks soooooo lost* ....didnt no they had..... wat do u mean? how'd u think they had em???
...... well i thought they laid eggs....
...............u serious?..........
..... yeah im serious........
*laughin so hard i start cryin a lil*
wats so funny? come on eva u dont have to laugh so hard.... wats so funny??? did i miss somethin???.........eva?..... e- oh forget it......... *stalks off*
now u have to understand that this man is 18 or 19 n he graduated from high school in 2007 so there's no reason for the stupidity......
i mean come on he thought a dolphin was a type of whale n whales were fish.....
u should've heard the convo between him n me n our co-worker nancy..... we were messin wit him so bad....
we had him cursin da name of monotremes everywhere..... gotta love that platypus lol rofl
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Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 9:35 pm
An American soldier has been on the frontline for 6 months during world war 2. He finally gets shoreleave, and is on a train in england. He walks around but cannot find a seat, but he does see a woman with her dog in the seat next to her. He goes "Can I have that seat?" he asks. "No. You Americans are so rude." Have an hour later he comes back. "Lady, come on. I can hold the dog in my lap." "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant." Another half an hour later he comes back again and asks for the seat. She refuses, and he grabs the dog, throws it out the window, and sits down next to the shocked woman. A man sitting on the other side of the room looks at him and goes "You Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your forks in the wrong hand, and now you've just gone and thrown the wrong b***h out the window."
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Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 11:08 am
Some laws are just dumb... In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket. In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer. In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks when a concert is on. A law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
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Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 10:01 pm
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Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 9:33 am
A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, and the bolts that held on the wheel on rolled into the sewer. Frustrated, the man looked at the wheel trying to figure out what to do.
A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.
The motorist thanked his profusely and said, "You seem like a smart guy. Why are you in there, anyway?."
The patient said, "I'm here for being crazy, not for being stupid."
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Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 10:06 am
Passengers aboard a cruise ship were having a great time when a young woman fell overboard.
Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water who rescued her.
The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful, as well as astonished, that such a white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship’s elderly hero.
He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words. He said, "First of all, I’d like to know who pushed me."
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Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 11:55 am
So, I was talking to my dad one day and I was telling him about me doing some amatuer photography. Anyway... I was going on and on about it and I was in mid-sentence when he was all, "You said this was..." and he was struggling to find the word. He then got it out and then started laughing. I was all, "What's so funny?" and he told me, "The entire time I was trying to say 'photography', it was about to come out as 'pornography'!" I was like... O.O "Dad!!" All he did was laugh... it was funny though..
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Posted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 11:06 am
A kid in my school once said "I prostitute" instead of "I protest", which just proves being a bundle of hormones has it's pros and cons.
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