I do not own fire emblem or the ideas and concepts. Most jokes are original with some being based of shows and whatever. I portray the characters differently so don't kill me if I portray your favroite character badly.
Anyway, here is the story and I swear if my computer doesn't let it post I will send owls to devour a random persons liver!!! DX
Titania takes charge!
By
Dasfg5 2/22/08
By
Dasfg5 2/22/08
The sun shone brightly into Titania’s room as she awoke from last night’s battle. The birds were chirping and all seemed well. Titania quickly got dressed in silence and emerged from her room bright and smiling happily. She was going to pay Rhys a visit. The two had decided to meet at the creek near the base as meeting in public often spread rumors, rather stupid ones usually coming from Boyd.. Titania rode through the grass and vines with ease until she reached the creek spotting the familiar yellow stain from last night... When Boyd mistook the creek as a toilet. Dismounting quickly she spotted Rhys, kicking a small pebble into the water and watching as small ripples stretched out, he truly needed a girl friend, “ Ah, Titania, how are you?” he asked soothingly she approached him and gave a soft nod,
“ Yes, I’m well. Today we march through Crimea to Forts Nados and Pinell”
“ Ah, yes, more fighting..” Rhys replied crestfallenly.
“ You all right? Your face looks even paler”
“ No, Titania I need to be ready for this.. I fear the battle will be great.. Hopefully Gatrie won’t take his armor off like last time..” They both grimaced at the memory.
“ I know.. I still have nightmares of it,” Titania looked across the river as if attempting to get rid of it.
“ I wonder.. Do you think I could lead the company like Ike? He’s so much like Greil.. So willingly to fight,”
“ Yes.. A true role model” Rhys answered as a call was heard from the base.
Titania and Rhys glanced back noticing a few troops gathering around for breakfast with Ilyana in front shoving people out of her way and yelling “ FOOD!” repeatedly.
“ Oh, great.. Rhys, I have to go stop Ilyana from eating everyone again,” Titania said in a rather annoyed tone, “ Of course.. I’ll go with you,” Rhys suggested as he followed Titania to the mess hall. Right before the door was in sight, Ike appeared and stopped Titania from entering,
“ Titania, may I speak to you alone,” he said glancing at Rhys, “ Oh! Don’t mind me! See you later, Titania,” Rhys exclaimed running into the mess hall in a quick fashion. Ike looked at Titania, “ I’m not so sure about leading the army anymore,” he said in a rough tone, “ Ike.. I know it’s a little much, but I mean”
“ A LITTLE MUCH!? Like oh my god!!! They made me a frinkin lord for crying out loud!! I’m leading an entire army just for some stupid little princess and all hopes rest with me!! The laguz and the beroc!! I hate it!!! I can’t stand having to listen to all of this crap and fighting off worthless soldiers who can barely damage me! I mean I’m invincible and I’m only 17!!!! 17!! How unrealistic is that!!!! Arggh!!” Ike spazed out glaring at Titania.
“ Ike.. Look, I” she began before Ike shoved his fist into her mouth.
“ Titania!! We’ve been over this like 15 times!! This time I’m quitting!! You’re in charge of the company now! I’m heading back home to rape some women. When you’re done saving Crimea you guys can come back,” he shouted back walking off to his horse.
Titania looked stunned, “ Err..Ike..I,” she began looking up at the sky, “ You know what! I will take charge and I’ll lead Crimea to victory!!!!” she exclaimed her fist in the air. Rolf ran up to her, “ Titania, Ilyana is trying to eat Shinon again!!” he exclaimed.
“ Oh, not again,” She replied, tiredly, rushing into the mess hall.
Later at the base..
“ Err.. Now you all know why I gathered you here right?” Titania asked while walking back and forth in front of the Greil Mercenaries and a few other familiar faces, “ Not really,” Shinon replied smugly,
Titania gave him a ‘shut the **** up, look’, “ Ike.. Ike has decided to quit leading the group and he’s going back home to rape woman... He said I was in charge for the rest of the journey,” she explained. The others stared at her mouth wide open. Ilyana collapsed onto the floor from hunger and Mist stumbled to the ground, “ My brother left!!! No!! Now I’m completely useless!!!” she wailed running into the wall repeatedly. The others looking back at Titania as if everything was normal, “ So..Err..You’re the leader now? Of the Greil Mercenaries? Well then.. I quit,” Soren exclaimed, “ Soren, wait!” Titania stopped him and went in close whispering in his ear, “ I know where you hide your magazines,” Soren’s eyes bulged,
“ On second thought I think I’ll stay,” he murmured returning to the others.
“ Anyway, I’m the leader and you guys have to do exactly as I say, like old times,” she explained grinning. Everyone gave a groan, except for Ilyana who stayed sprawled on the floor.
“ Oh, for goodness sake! Gatrie go get her some food or something,” Titania ordered. Gatrie stumbled back to the mess hall knocking down priceless vases down to the ground.
“ Oh, Ashera Why?” Shinon whispered covering his face in embarrassment.
“ Now the reason I gathered you here, besides to tell you that Ike left, was because I have chosen each of you to be apart of the main army. You are all reliable, strong, and are the most elite warriors in this entire army.. And most of you aren’t prepromotes who suck up all the action and rape everything on the field like me,” Mist fell to the ground after stumbling forward yet again. Ilyana was still on the ground and Boyd was picking his nose, “ Err...Well most of you,” Titania added looking around suddenly.
“ Wait.. Where’s Oscar?” she asked as nobody bothered looking around.
“ He went to make me cookies!!! ME LOVE COOKIES!” Rolf squealed in pure delight,
“ Okay then.. I hope he made chocolate chip,” she murmured.
“ Thanks, Titania.. I hope we can do our best today.. Umm.. At least most of us,” Rhys explained staring down at Ilyana. Largo broke into the hall via his large girth some of the bricks landing and killing Makalov as he entered, “ Hello, red-haired person,” he exclaimed stupidly,
“ I be world class berserker! I have much strength, and I beat crap out of all these wimps!” he shouted, “ Who you calling a wimp?” Mia screeched unsheathing her sword.
Largo hid behind Rhys, “ Please don’t hurt me! Me is good!” he sobbed.
“ Titania, I suggest we gather everyone for the war council that’s suppose to begin in like two minutes.. I’d rather not have to deal with this type of idiocy anymore,” Soren explained as Mia circled around Rhys attempting to kill Largo, “ Right.. Let’s go,” Titania murmured as the group immediately followed her, “ Titania..Huff...Puff..I got some food!” Gatrie exclaimed pants less, “ Ahh!!!” Mist screamed as she ran into the wall, “ Dear, god! Gatrie put your pants back on!” Titania ordered, “ Sorry, I forgot to wear a belt again,” Gatrie replied innocently.
Soren banged his head, “ Ike, why did you have to leave? Now I’m trapped with a bunch of blubbering idiots!!” he shouted, “ Ooh! Shiny,” Boyd exclaimed poking a statue of a knight absently, “ Right... Follow me then, id-I mean comrades,” Titania explained as Gatrie attempted to feed Ilyana. At the smell of food she sprang into action and pounced on poor Gatrie,
“ WAH!!! No, not my arm I need that show off my sexy biceps!! AHH!!!” he screamed as he was pummeled to a pulp. The others barely noticed him as they made their to the Crimea briefing room for news on their next battle. While Mist was stumbling behind and Boyd, of course, was poking random insects all of which have threatened to kill him
“ AHH!! Titania, help me!” he screamed as a swarm of locusts swarmed around him.
Titania sighed as she opened the door for him and allowed everyone else inside the room where they were greeted by Elincia, “ Hello, err...”
“ For the 500th time my name is Titania!!”
“ Oh, right...Tina, okay”
“ ......” Titania mumbled something about Princesses being pansies and complete retards.
Elincia held her hands next to her chest pretending to act all innocent and all that la de da crap!
“ Anyway, where is my Lord Ike?”
“ Err.. He went home to rape women and do other stuff.. He’s probably drunk and dancing on a table right now,”
*
“ Oh, yea! Take it off!” a girl screamed as Ike was dancing drunk on a table without a shirt on.
“ You got it sexy!!” he shouted as he ripped off his pants.
“ Rawr!!!” the woman screamed as they swarmed all over Ike.
“ Oh, yea, I’ve been dreaming of this for weeks!”
*
Elincia smiled, “ Okay, so who’s leading this army, Tom?”
“ You little... I’m leading it!” Titania shouted.
Elincia nearly keeled over with laughter, “ You!? Hahaha!! No seriously, Tim”
“ It’s Titania, and I’m serious.”
“ Oh... Well, if you excuse me I’ll go cry now,” she replied walking off to another room,
“ Why!? I”M A LITTLE PRINCESS IT”S JUST NOT FAIR NOW I”M BEING LEAD BY THAT UGLY PREPROMOTE INSTEAD OF THAT HOTTY, IKE!!!! OH, AND I WAS GONNA ASK IF I COULD GET IN HIS PANTS TODAY!! WHY DO ALL THE BAD STUFF HAPPEN TO ME!?” she sobbed.
Soren approached Titania, “ We should get to our war council, the others are waiting,” he reminded. Titania sighed as the two of them entered the next room, accompanied by Mist for some odd reason. Bastian greeted them, “ Thheiash aiuydeai iojsaofj!” he said.
Titania glanced at him, “ Huh?”
“ Ahem! We be going to talk about war stuff,”
“ OH!” everyone said simultaneously.
“ So what’s the battle plan?” Titania asked.
Reyson and Tibarn stared at her, “ Err.. Shouldn’t Ike be here?”
“ No..He’s somewhere getting drunk and raping women,”
“ ....I see.... He’s so lucky..” Tibarn murmured. Reyson picked his nose.
“ Err.. Anyway, Gallia, and the hawks have decided to join forces with you idiots, especially now that Ike isn’t here.. I mean we’ll need so many more units since Ike is like a god and stuff,” Tibarn explained. Titania glared at him, “ Tibarn, Shut up!” she exclaimed.
“ Sorry...Wah!” Tibarn began to cry.
“ Right.. All right let’s glance at the map for are best course of action,” Geoffrey explained as he held out a rather large detailed map with a coffee stain on the Daiein Country.
“ Oops, sorry, I did that,”a random person shouted he shrugged, “ Anyway Daiein has used both of our forts as bases for their enemy ranks they also serve as a means of defense, so getting to the castle will be quite a challenge,” he explained.
“ Ah, yes, I indeed must praise are foes, they use our forts that once protected our land and enemy bases that can indeed screw us all, why we are no match for their might and should crawl in a hole and die! Yes! Crawl in a big fat hole and rape ourselves!,” Bastian cried out.
“ Bastian, why must you praise are foe?” Geoffrey asked annoyed.
“ Because, it is must stronger than you are my friend!”
“ Why you little pansy!”
“ SHUT THE ***** UP!!” Lucia screamed slapping them both aside the head.
“ Right.. So, what’s are best course of action?” Titania asked.
Soren examined the map, “ I think it best that we take on a fort at a time, while a small team acts as a decoy and kills themse- I mean keeps the other fort busy,” he explained.
“ So, which fort has more soldiers?”
“ That would be Fort Pinell,”
Tibarn spoke up, “ Okay! Then I’ll lead a group of those ugly beast thingys and attack the castle we’ll retreat like little girls and then strike again! Oh, it should be quite fun!” He exclaimed getting quite giddy, “ Then it’s settled, we’ll lead an attack force today then!” Titania cried out.
Soren glanced at her, “ Err... Right then.. How about tomorrow?” he suggested.
“ That works too!” she exclaimed as they all got ready for bed.
The next day...
“ Err... Tim” Elincia whispered.
“ For the last time it’s- Whoa!” Titania gasped as she glanced at Elincia’s very shiny armor and sexy knee length boots of utter sexiness, very yummy indeed,
“ Don’t tell me you’re going to fight?”
“ Why, of course, I’m tried of acting like a pansy all the time! I wanna dip my blade in blood and hear the sounds of those pitiful fools as they cry in pain and then I shall deliver the blow judgement over and over and over again and again until they cry and beg for mercy!! MUWHAAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!” she screamed.
“ Sure... Geoffrey, you surely didn’t agree to this, right?”
“ Well, we talked about it last night.... in bed... Ahem.. And she was very persuasive,”
“ Oh, yes, how our princess shines like the heavenly sun, when she fights it will lead Crimea to victory!” Bastian exclaimed. Suddenly Elincia’s Pegasus made a graceful fart.
“ EW! How were you able to hide this crap?” Titania asked.
“ Simple! We stowed it all away in this really ugly shack unsupervised and we didn’t come get it till now!” Lucia explained. Titania stared at her horrified, “ You mean you left it there with no food or water... All by it self in a crowded dark room?” she asked, “ No, there were cows there with it,” an image of a Pegasus snacking on a cow popped into Titania’s mind as she shivered,
“ Well, I guess we’ll just have to let you fight.. Our mercenary contract isn’t complete yet, since now I’m the new leader,” the Pegasus farted again, “ Oh, thank you so much Timmy!” Elincia exclaimed. Titania grew tensed,
“ Right...” Soren approached her, “ This is it, we’re to begin our march to the fort...” he explained. The other mercenaries were behind him, all suited up, except for Mist who kept on falling off her horse and dropping her staff. Ilyana also stood up stiffly and painfully, while Boyd started to drool like an idiot, “ Oh, Ashera..Let’s go,” Titania commanded and with that they had left to march on and face the enemy at Fort Pinell.
*
“ My, lord, the Crimea army has arrived at Fort Pinell,” The Black Knight explained.
Ashnard smiled while cooking his cape in a large pot of stew, “ Good, good!”
“ Err..What the heck are you doing?”
“ Why, I’m cooking some stew!” he explained as he placed his pants within the stew.
The Black Knight sighed, “ What are your orders?” he asked.
“ Hmm.. I’ll send Bertram to command the front at Fort Pinell,”
“ You mean you’re gonna send that psycho who’s always wearing his armor?”
“ Well you always wear your armor, I mean how do you go to the bathroom?”
“ That’s a special secret,”
“ Well, maybe I should send you and see what happens!”
“ Hmm... I’d probably rape them all..”
“ Exactly!”
“ Now then, did you find that armor I sent you satisfactory?” Ashnard laughed as he took off his armor and allowed it glisten in the sun, “ Oh, yes is quite shiny! My mount really enjoys it!” Rajaion was staring at the armor as if mesmerized, drool covering the floor like slime, “ Right... I’m glad you like it,” he looked to the side and then glanced back at his throne, “ I see that you ordered to kill that err.. Dragon girl thingy in my absence,”
“ Why, yes, but with Petrine’s death I’m not sure what to do now,” he laughed as he placed a pair of old shoes in the stew, “ It seems her men have captured her, and aren’t quite sure what to do after the par-err.. I mean ceremony for the death of General Petrine,”
“ Screw that.. You can do whatever you want with that wench, just don’t bring her in here, Rajaion starts to growl and get pleasure from her presence,” he explained.
The Black Knight nodded, “ Well I’ll be off then,” he explained teleporting, leaving a large blast of fart in his wake. He really did need to get “fart free” warp powder.
*
As the group arrived, Titania looked around and spotted wave after wave of enemies, it looked quite bleak, “ Wow.. I didn’t expect these many enemies,” Soren explained as he looked around at the huge battlefield, “ Don’t worry I World-class-berserker I crush their bones in half!” Largo cried out, “ Uh-huh... More like World-class-pansy,” Titania whispered as she turned to face Soren, “ So.. Do you have any information on the enemy commander?”
“ Yes, it appears that he is Bertram, one of Daiein’s four riders,”
“ You mean like that big meanie at the bridge,” Elincia squealed.
“ Err...Yea... Anyway, rumors have it that he always wears his armor and that after the collapse of Crimea he showed up and gained the king’s favor due to his love of stew,”
“ So this person is like the Black Knight?” Oscar asked.
“ Well.. The name Four riders refers to Ashnard’s most trusted commander people, they are Petrine who we defeated at the bridge, Bertram, General Bryce, and then the Black Knight,”
“ He was the one who killed Greil, right?” Titania asked.
“ With that there is little doubt”
“ Then.. I SHALL SHOVE MY AXE RIGHT DOWN HIS TROAT AND THEN I SHALL RIP OUT HIS EYEBALLS AND THEN I SHALL FEAST ON THE OOZE THAT SHALL EMIT FROM HIS!!”
“ Titania, shut the ******** up!” Soren screamed, “ We’ve been over this thousand times! Revenge isn’t the”
“ NO!!! YOU SHUT UP SMART-***”
“ Enough of these pleasantries, let’s go and fight!” Bastian cried out.
Soren stared at him as Titania calmed down.
Titania nodded and charged forward along with the others going their separate directions.
Soren followed after Titania, “ Ike, when I see you, you are so dead!” he shouted.
“ Wait! What about us!?” Bastian, Lucia, and Geoffrey asked.
Titania turned around, “ You guys can wait here and die,” she ordered.
“ Okay! We’ll do that” they answered.
“ Umm.. I’ll go and help them,” Elincia told her retainers.
“ Okay, we’ll follow you and protect you,” Geoffrey explained.
“ But, Tamantha said for you guys to go and die..”
“ We’ll do that in the process! Yea! I get to get myself screwed by the ladies!” Bastian shouted.
“ I’m surrounded by idiots...” Lucia, Geoffrey, and Bastian ran off to accompany their marry-sue, princess.
Oscar charged forth and slammed his lance right through a warrior’s chest.
He screamed in delight as another warrior slammed his axe down on Oscar’s back. He cried out in pain, but then Mist arrived.. “ Oscar, I’ll save you!” she screamed swinging her sword about, uncontrollably, she beheaded both warriors and nearly cut off Oscar’s arm, “ Oops, I can barely hold this thingy,” she accidentally threw it and struck a warrior from far off, “ Ow! My eye!”
“ Sorry!” she shouted back, Oscar turned around and spotted a paladin charging towards them, “ Mist, quickly, heal me!” he shouted. Mist dropped her staff, “ Err..Okay, Umm,” she fell of her horse and crawled about in her search of her staff, “ Hurry up, you moron!” he screamed as the paladin grew closer. Mist crawled under her horse and found her staff under the horse’s butt,
“ Found out!” she screamed in delight, but of course her horse pooped on her head.
“ Eww!!!” she cried out and threw her staff into a large bush.
“ You idiot! HEAL ME!” Oscar screamed as the paladin was a yard away.
“ Okay.. Drink this!” she grabbed her elixir and threw it at Oscar.. It soared right past him and crashed into the enemy’s face, “ My eyes!! OMFG!! My eyes!!” he screamed as he went, steering out of control and collided with a general, “ Wah!! My shiny armor!” he screamed as a giant, unrealistic, explosion followed setting the area a flame.
Oscar turned to face Mist, glaring, with his eyes wide open, “ MIST!!! THAT WAS MY KILL!” he screamed grabbing his lance, “ Wah!!” she shouted as Oscar chased after her.
Soren ran forward, but was stopped by a rather portly warrior,
“ Ooh! Shiny booky!” he squealed, grabbing at Soren’s tome.
“ You think so? It’s a tornado tome, I just learned how to wield higher magic! But those stupid game designers make it so hard, I should be at an S rank like Ike, but no! They always give Ike a higher level, it’s so unfair, I mean he’s like 17 and I’m pretty sure that I’m older, I mean come one! I learned magic at age 6! Shouldn’t I have an S rank by now? ” he explained. The warrior ignored him and reached for the tome,
“ Hey! No on touchy my tome!” he smacked the warrior in the face with his tome,
“ WAH!! MY NOSEY!! YOU BIG MEANIE!” he cried, as he ran off in pain.
“ Wow.. He’s even stupider than Boyd,”
Boyd, meanwhile, was poking a giant fruit, “ Mm... ME EAT!” he exclaimed as he began to devour the fruit, “ Boyd, that fruit can give you,” Soren began, but Boyd’s stomach rumbled.
“ Ah!! I’ll be back, I have to go to the bathroom,” he cried.
“ Sigh..”
Meanwhile.. Rolf, Shinon, Gatrie, and Ilyana had ventured off to the west to face the big wyvern thingys, “ Food...Must have food,” Ilyana whined as she collapsed onto the ground yet again. The others ignored her, “ Unkie Shinon, I’ll handle the pansy like generals, you and Shinon can kill off the holy man and the wyvern thingys,” Rolf exclaimed,
“ Shut up! I’m gonna do whatever I please, thank you very much!” he ran off to face the wyvern riders, “ Wait! Whew...It’s so hot, better take off my,” Gatrie began.
But, Rolf loomed over him, “ DON”T YOU DARE REMOVE THOSE PANTS! NOW YOU GO AND HELP UNKIE SHINON OR ELSE I SHALL RIP YOUR ARMS RIGHT OFF!!!” he screamed. Gatrie nodded and ran off to help Shinon, while screaming like a sissy girl.
Rolf smiled and skipped off to face the generals, They glanced at him,
“ Hey, kid, what are you doing here?” they asked.
“ I’m here to beat the crap out of you!” Rolf replied in delight.
The generals walked forward and stabbed at Rolf, but he dodged with ease.
“ Ha, ha! You guys suck!” he shouted as he struck their opened areas with arrows.
“ Hey! Hold still you brat!” they trudged forward and struck again, only Rolf evaded their strikes yet again, “ Ha, ha! You’re getting beaten by a whittle kid! You guys suck!” he shouted.
“ GRR! Die you little brat!” The general continued to stab forth.
Rolf shook his butt right in his face, “ Haha! You’re getting beaten by a ten year old! You guys are losers!!!” he cried firing an arrow into the man’s eye.
“ OMG!! WAH!!” he tumbled forth, “ Hey, Joe, what are you?” a general began before being stabbed in the gut, the general was out of control as it stabbed all of it’s comrades within range. Once everyone was dead Rolf twirled around his bow, “ All in a days work,”
Ilyana walked around aimlessly, her eyes began to grow dark, “ Food...Food...” she called.
“ Hehe.. Hey girly, nice dress,” a man approached her his eyes doing back flips as Ilyana’s skirt flared up and down.
Her eyes widened, “ FOOD!!!!!” she zapped the axe right out of his hand.
“ Whoa! Hey, wait! STAY BACK!!! Wait is that my liver? Wait what are you? OMG NOT MY LIVER!!! I NEED THAT TO do stuff... AHHH!!!!” a mere moments later and the man was devoured, “ Mmm... Liver,” a few seconds later...
“ I NEED FOOD!!!!”
Elincia approached a soldier, “ Oh.. Look the thingy is hurt,”
“ Umm..Princess, that’s an enemy soldier,” Lucia pointed out.
“ Aww.. But, I wanna heal something!! It mean so much to me!” she squealed.
“ Okay then...It’s not like it took millions of men to kill the guy or something..”
“ YEA!” Elincia screamed placing her staff over the man.
Lucia’s eyes bulged, “ That...That... HOLY ********!!! IT”S THE GUY WHO RAPED EVERYONE IN CRIMEA!!! IT”S MISTER SEXY!” she screamed.
Bastian stared at her, “ Huh? ERSTYUGYU??” Geoffrey readied his bow and approached the so called “ Mist Sexy”. Elincia stepped back, while her Pegasus began to chew on grass, “ HELLO!!!” the man sprang up and jumped on Geoffrey.
Lucia sighed and unsheathed her sword, “ Prepare to die Mr. Sexy!” the man grinned and jumped on her, “ Those are some nice boobies,” Bastian went and smacked him.
“ Back of, b***h! She be it mine ith!”
*
Shinon smirked, as he faced several wyvern riders and lords, “ Yo, losers! Your mama was a giant lizard and your dada sucked on cornmeal!” they approached him, “ Oh, and that armor is sooo last year! O bet you guys were adopted! Oh, look at me I’m a bunch of NPC wyvern riders and I sound like Elmo from sesame street!”
“ WHAT DID YOU SAY!?”
“ Oh, did I touch a nerve? Perhaps your mommy wears ugly armor like you! Oh, wait you don’t have one! Haha!! You riders suck and your attack strength is that of a peanut! Cause you’re generic! Generic, wimpy soldiers that wear ugly armor! Hehe!”
“ You can insult are mommy. You can insult are armor. But, when you insult are strength, you... DIE!!!!!” Gatrie went up to Shinon, “ Hey, Shinon”
“ Hey, good timing!” Shinon immediately grabbed him and positioned him in front of the wyvern riders letting their pointy lances of doom do nothing against Gatrie’s sexy armor.
“ Arggh! My pointing stick doesn’t work against this man’s overly inflated chest!”
While Shinon and Gatrie were busy being idiots, as usual, Titania and the others were assembled, ready to face the enemy commander Bertram,
“ Yo, retard! Why don’t you surrender? We’ll make it easier on you!” she shouted, Bertram glanced at her, “ Loot...Burn....Rape...Loot....Burn....Rape.....RAPE!!!” Soren gave off a sigh and brought out his tome, “ Wait! Leave it to me!” the others turned and saw Lady Astrid upon a beautiful brown horse. She charged forth, bow in hand, firing arrow after arrow at Bertram,
“ Neh!! Big meanie go die!” she punched, kicked, slapped, and even shot close up, but Bertram was far too strong... Well not really...He actually dodged every attack and recovered do to his “retard” blade, but that’s besides the point..
“ Ugh... That’s it leave to me!” Mia drew her sword and a man stood conveniently in front of her,
“ That thingy is shiny! Me wanna feel thingy!” the man grabbed at her sword,
“ Get off!! Wah!! It’s mine,” They fought over the sword back and forth, while Ilyana was busy devouring a general and a priest, “ Umm.... What the hell?” Titania lifted her axe and smiled, “ Leave it to me,” her mare became a bullet and sped through, she gripped her axe and smashed Bertram’s chest and then she slammed her lance into his leg.
“ Rape.....Must rape....Perissshhhhh......” hands gripped on and Titania’s eyes bulged,
“ YOU PERVERT!!!!!!” she went berserk and slash back and forth to and fro. Smacking, kicking, ripping, tearing, until Bertram’s screams echoed.
“ Boobies...Felt good.....Release...”
A soldier ran up to them, his pants around his ankles, “ We did it, Commander! The enemy is retreating!” Soren ran up to him and smacked him with his tome, “ Alright then. That should be...”
“ WAIT!! I MUST KILL!!” Their eyes bulged, Elincia was chasing after the man her sword drawn she leaped straight of her Pegasus, which had unleashed a jet of gas killing Lucia, Bastian, and Geoffrey...
And then she stabbed Mr. Sexy over and over again, “ PUNISHMENT! PUNISHMENT!”
“ Oh, dear, I never though one’s kidney could fall out that way! Or one’s spine to bend and then his stomach spilling out-” Soren exclaimed, Rhys barfed and fainted.
“ ..... Okay, then... Let’s rest in the castle,”
The following hours..
“ Oh, hello Tibarn. How was the attack?” Titania asked as the big hawk approached her.
“ Great! We managed to beat those big Daiein meanies with those beast thingies! Unfortunately more reinforcements from the capital flooded in..”
“ Well... That’s bad.”
“ I know, right?”
“ ....”
“ Anyway, there was this big black dude who took out an entire unit of beasties! It was like a wolf appeared in a factory of lotion,” Titania gaped at him, “ What does lotion and wolves have to do with this!?” she screamed, “ Holy s**t, that must be the Black Knight! Only he wears black armor as black as that, it’s as if he’s being racist! Cause he’s black..” Soren exclaimed.
“ Wait... I still don’t get how lotion and wolves have to do with this!?”
Everyone stared at her and Tibarn farted, “ Anyway, I’ll be going, have to prepare and all” and with that Tibarn flew off.
“ Yes, Tim, I must go and rest my Pegasus, she’s farted enough for one day,” Elincia, murmured, her three aides nearly dead from Pegasus’s fart.
The rest of the mercenaries also began to turn in, with Mist constantly hitting her face with her staff, Gatrie stripping, Oscar stabbing Mist’s horse, Ilyana devouring everyone else’s horses, Rolf and Shinon talking about how big a swordsman’s boobs were and Boyd who was busy staring at a ladybug outside. Soren shook his head.
“ Well, Titania I’m gonna turn in too,” right as the two left Titania stood there gaping
“ But, what does lotion and wolves have to do with this!!!!?”
THE END
