I knew this would happen.I never should have let him in.But I did.Now look at me.Or at least,what's left.Those couple monthes were the happiest ones of my life.I really wish that it didn't end this way.You were my first true love.I know I should be over you by now.It's been a month now.But whenever I think of you,the hole in my chest pulls me apart.I may seem like I don't think of you anymore but I do.Can you see the bags under my eyes?I never liked going to bed.Especially now.Now,because I have time to think.Think of you.If only you stayed and gave me another chance.Just once more.But it's too late to turn back.I know that.And it feels like I'm dying.You flat out rejected me,so why do I still have doubts?Why do I keep turning back and looking at those beautiful moments with you?I don't want to hope,now that I've started to talk to you again.But when you talk about others I unexpectedly get ripped open.And I realize that I let myself hope even without my conscious permission.That trap called hope.Now that I've tasted real love,I don't want to go back.Back to that empty void called life.If the world was coming to an end,I'd want to be by your side.Because my world would come to an end if I wasn't.I know it sounds pathetic that I want you like this.Like I need you like this.I was never fully understood.You never fully understood me.But it didn't matter.Time had never really accounted in my life.Not until I had met you.That was when I'd count the seconds,minutes,hours that I couldn't see you.I think you felt the same way.At least for a while.I can't believe that I'm saying this.Even now,During those brief periods of time where I'm free for my mind to wander I think of you.How every little thing you did made me want to smile.How every moment I spent near you felt like heaven.Love is truly a depressing thing.Once your love is broken,your heart,your soul,your very existence is shattered.I never really 'got' why I loved you so much,with all my heart.You were average to say the least.You were boring,normal.Not very exciting at all.And yet,you captivated me.It even went to the point of not being able to sleep without seeing you at least once.I don't know why it hurts like it does now.I've been in 'love' before.Haven't I?Maybe those weren't real experiences.Maybe I am truly,madly,deeply in love.That I'd die for you if I had to.Maybe if people knew this,they'd feel the pain,the guilt,the sorrow that haunt me today.I know I'm not the only one to be heart broken.But the people around me know nothing about this.Life like this burns me.Burns me to my core.I'd say good night when I longed to say I still love you.Maybe it's best if we stop talking.Maybe it's best if we forget.Maybe it's best if I had never told you that I love you.But those are just maybe's.They are not what happened.They cannot change what has happened.To never know what it would feel like to kiss you.To never know what it would feel like to lay in your arms.Maybe when I died,I'd have you.I don't need heaven if I have you.If I continue like this I might really be ripped apart.I hope you forgive me.Please forgive me.Will you still love me after this?Do you even love me now?I'm sure you don't but I still hope.It feels good to let this all out.Even if it's only a little bit of sadness that is lifted off my shoulders.It has still been lifted.I can't let anyone know this distraction because then they'd worry,and fuss,and ask me if I'm okay.I don't need questions or help.I need him.I need him like the moon needs its' sun.He was my personal sun.I need to focus on school,my social life,and the people around me.But I always end up thinking of him.Why is it that the love feels so good but then when they're gone it feels like hell?It feels like you can't go on.You won't go on without him.Sleep is just a fleeting dream when I have you to think about.Even if I didn't want to,you'd creep into my mind.Maybe we were just meant to be,meant to be apart.It really hurts to know that I really can't have him.And what pains me the most is that he'll never really know how much
I love him.
Yet those three words are said too much to mean something.
I love him.
Yet those three words are said too much to mean something.
