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artemisdesari Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 2:21 pm
~Step into my library and let me tell you a tale, the story of a foolish woman and an arrogant king. A poorly made wish and injured pride.~
Prologue:
The music was loud, her friends all laughed with her. She was happier than she had ever been in her fifteen years of life. She had won, she had defeated the Goblin King and his minions. Toby was free and she had seen her faults, she knew who she was, she knew what she was and she was no longer alone.
Later as she cleaned up the mess that her friends had left her with, she looked out of her bedroom window. The owl was there, watching and waiting, it took only a seconds thought before she pulled it open and took a reluctant step back to grant him access. It was the last thing that she had ever wanted to do but she did not want to seem like a poor winner, and after all he had taken the time to come and see her, the last thing that he would want to do would be to gloat at her obvious loss. True enough, when he materialised in his Fae form before her, he did not gloat, and his eyes were filled with a kind of deep sorrow.
“Sarah,” the longing in his voice was noticeable and for just a second, she harbored the thought that his words had been true. “Congratulations.” The word seemed to come from between clenched teeth, maybe he was being a poor loser.
“Why are you here?” She kept her voice quiet, not wishing to make anymore noise and run the further risk of waking up her father and Karen. Explaining her friends would have been hard enough, explaining the presence of the Goblin King and his disturbingly tight trousers would have been another problem entirely.
“I am come to bestow upon you a gift.” His wrist twisted and a crystal appeared there.
“My dreams?” She mocked and saw his face twist in anger, it was not a pleasant look, even on the highly attractive Jareth. “For defeating me. I am sworn to come whenever you should call upon me, to bow down to your petty whims and wishes.” He held the crystal to her as he spoke, his tone full of rage and self mockery. She took the crystal, sensing that not to would be to offer some serious insult to the already angry king. In a flash of lightning and a role of thunder he was gone.
~Feel free to make comments and suggestions (no flames please).~
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Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 3:55 pm
I only see a couple of puncuation problems and a couple of sentences you can touch up on to make them a bit more interesting.
Maybe you can include a bit of mental conflict with taking the crystal. Personally, I would have thrown it against the wall just to see what happens.
Other than that, I'd like to see the next installment.
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artemisdesari Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 10:38 am
Chexednut I only see a couple of puncuation problems and a couple of sentences you can touch up on to make them a bit more interesting.
Maybe you can include a bit of mental conflict with taking the crystal. Personally, I would have thrown it against the wall just to see what happens.
Other than that, I'd like to see the next installment. Now there's a thought. I've got another 29 parts to go up, though I may make them a little shorter than they are at the moment and put it into more posts.
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Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 3:45 am
Eight Years Later:
Accidents seem to happen for the silliest of reasons. Not looking where you are going, falling off roller skates and others in the same sort of league. No one ever considers birds as being capable of causing anything major in the accident stakes. Unfortunately, people are wrong.
Before we go any further, we need to be clear on one fairly large issue, one that many people fail to understand. Aircraft fly mostly with the help of some fairly powerful turbine engines. These suck in the air and use it to help create the lift that keeps the plane in the air. Now, these engines are not just capable of sucking air, they can suck in much heavier things too and one of these, is birds. Logically speaking, when something solid hits something at speed, one or other of them is going to break, sometimes both break. In the case of the bird versus the plane engine, the bird is always going to lose the fight, however, the engine does not always walk away unscathed either. The impact can create hairline fractures which will expand under pressure and eventually the engine will just falter, or in worst case scenarios, explode. Fortunately for Sarah, the engine did not explode, but it did not continue to work either.
The unfortunate bird was a gull that got sucked into the engine on take off. The craft jolted violently but by the time the pilot had reaslised the cause, the plane was already in the air and he had to continue or risk cauing an accident, unfortunately, the damage to the plane had been done. The crack was tiny, had the engine not been operating there would not have been a problem, unfortunately, the rapid revolutions of the engine caused the damage to escalate, a small part flew off and it jammed the engine. The pilot made a brief announcement about engine trouble but told them not to worry. Sarah sat silent and waited, not able to worry past the deep hurt in the pit of her stomach. The plane shuddered and for a moment she thought it was turbulence, then she saw a burst of flame on the wing and she leant to look out of her window. The engine was on fire and she could see it shuddering until finally the flames and the vibrations ripped it away. The plane jolted again and she realised that the pieces of the engine had hit the tail section of the plane. Alarms began to sound and the emergency oxygen masks dropped as she began to decide that she did not want to die. She pulled a mask over her face but she could tell by the expression of the stewardess next to her that this was not something that they were going to get out of alive.
The plane simply began to descend, rapidly, far more so than was safe, she could see the ground coming up to meet her and she began to pray, something she had not done since she was a child. It took her a moment to realise that it was not going to do her any good. She did the one thing she never thought that she would do.
"Jareth," she whispered the Goblin Kings name. Nothing happened and she sat for a moment, feeling herself begin to hyperventilate.
“I wish the Goblin King would come and take me away, right now!” She shouted it into the mask as the ground met the nose of the plane. Everything went black.
oOo
Jareth heard the call as he was eating his evening meal, felt the jolt of recognition at the sound of his name being mentioned above, no more than a whisper, then louder, a summons. He glanced at his companion and sent a silent thank you to whatever passing deity or demi-god that had decided to give him this small reprieve. He rose and transported himself from the room without speaking, aware that he was being rude and not caring. He was at the site of the call within moments and was surprised when he was swept off his feet by pure g-force, not expecting to be called into a potential disaster. He scowled and pulled his way to the person who had called, surprised when he saw Sarah. He felt the nose of the plane impact the ground and grabbed her, transporting them both out and to the castle infirmary.
“Tell me when she wakes up,” he ordered and left.
The next bit will be up in a few days, enjoy and like I said, I do like to hear thoughts!
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artemisdesari Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 7:11 am
Jareth was being rude? Who was he eating with to be rude?
Other than that, I think we have a very nice story here. I look forward to the next installment.
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Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 11:19 am
Chapter Three: Jareth.
The instant he had placed Sarah in the care of the healers, Jareth went straight to his personal rooms. For just a second before he had taken her he had debated leaving her to her death, but at the point of indecision, he had felt magic, far more ancient and powerful than anything he possessed, rip through him. He had to take her, but he did not have to like it. He had been obligated to take her by both the words of the wish and the gift he had bestowed upon her after the last time they had met. He was not, however, obliged to treat her like an honoured guest, she would expect that. The castle, on the other hand, was always in need of new staff, and to have a new member who was obligated to stay on the basis of her wish, would be ideal. Especially considering the circumstances under which most of the staff left. He summoned a crystal and spoke into it.
“Torel, I need to see you in my chambers, immediately.” He let the crystal drop and it dissipated before it hit the floor. He felt a tremor run through the castle, then a scream of rage and a cry of pain just on the fringes of his awareness. Sometimes it was a curse being able to sense things that went on within his domain.
“You wished to see me, My King?” A male voice muttered from the door, he turned and looked at his steward and most trusted friend and advisor.
“The disturbance?” He asked as he sat at his desk, gesturing for his friend to take the seat opposite.
“Another of the maids just resigned.”
“Damn! It is fast getting to the point where we will be unable to replace them. Would that it was a year from now.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, his face weary.
“One year, My King, it is only a year. You and the Labyrinth have so far endured two hundred and ninety nine years, one more is not that long.”
“No, but the humans have a wonderful saying, about a straw that breaks the camels back. This may well be my straw.”
“Your Majesty?” The man frowned, confused.
“Sarah is here. She wished herself away.” He rubbed at his face, tired. “She was injured. When she wakes up, when she is healed, I want you to take her to the servants quarters and find her a room and suitable clothes. Tell me when she is ready and I will tell her of her new position within my realm.”
“You will not be sending her back then?”
“No, she wished herself here. I see no reason to send her back.” He stood and walked over to the window.
“But your feelings for the girl...”
“She is hardly a ‘girl’ anymore, Torel, and my ‘feelings’ are that I should have left her where she was! My ‘feelings’ are that I should kill her myself!” He lashed out at the wall with his fist and his magic. A spray of dust splashed around them and settled. To his credit, Torel did not flinch, though his face did reflect his concern for his king. Jareth glared at him from across the room. “After what she did to me. After what she did to my kingdom. She rejected me!”
“Yes she did. Yet you are hardly in a position to make good on that offer. May I speak freely, Your Majesty?”
“Always.”
“She was little more than a child, just as you were three hundred years ago. Perhaps she feared what you offered.”
“She rejected me, Torel. She chose a screaming baby over me! I cannot just forgive that!” His usual calm was gone and his hair flew about him in a magical rage. “Leave, tell me when she awakes.” Torel bowed. “Oh, and make sure as few people as possible know that she is here. Make sure as few people as possible know who she really is.” The steward bowed and left in silence.
oOo
Sarah awoke in a strange room. All around her people were moving around, talking and giving orders. She struggled to sit up, feeling a shoot of pain in her right hand. She hissed with the pain and a man turned. She could see his pointed ears, he was an elf. He touched her arm, frowned and the pain vanished.
“Fetch the Lord Steward,” he ordered one of his companions. She nodded and left. Within moments she had returned with another man in tow. He spoke quietly to the healer and then came over to the bed.
“Sarah,” he nodded in greeting. She looked up at him, her green eyes questioning. “I am Torel, the castle steward and king’s advisor. If you would come with me, I will take you to your rooms and find you more suitable clothing to wear.”
“Suitable clothing?” She asked as she followed the Fae down the stone corridor. He glanced back at her then turned a corner abruptly.
“Keep up. Yes, the king wishes to see you in an hour. He wants you settled and dressed appropriately before then.” He gestured to her suit. “Mens clothes are not appropriate for your position, Sarah.” She trotted to keep up with him, saving her snide reply until later, needing her breath to keep her going. They went some way down the dimly lit corridor until they reached a door. Torel pulled a key from his robe and placed it in the lock, opening the door before handing it to Sarah.
“Keep that safe, you will need it.” She nodded and put the chain it was attached to around her neck.
The room had two small beds in it, each with a small chest at the foot of the bed, there was a table between the two and each end had a candle on it. There was a small window, through which moonlight glittered. The final thing to catch Sarah’s attention was a plain, grey dress. She looked at Torel and her expression spoke volumes.
“I’m supposed to wear that?” She demanded. Torel nodded and was subjected to a long tirade about how pointless it was, how the dress probably would not fit her anyway and that neither he nor Jareth had any right to dictate what she wore. He listened patiently until she was finished, then walked out of the room.
“I will be back to take you to the King’s study in ten minutes. If you are not ready you will go as you are.” He closed the door behind him and so missed the candle that Sarah threw in his direction, with a small scream.
oOo
Sarah entered Jareth’s personal study, wearing the grey dress and it made her look very demure. Jareth knew that it was a misleading picture, even without his prior knowledge of her. His suspicions were confirmed when she began shouting the moment Torel had closed the door.
“What the hell is this?” She demanded.
“Is what, Sarah?” He asked with a surprising level of calm. “Have I not done as you asked?”
“A dress? A shared room?” She had noticed signs that the room was already occupied when she was changing.
“Fitting your new station, yes,” he was taking great deal of pleasure in drawing out telling her the glorious truth.
“New station? What new station? Jareth, what the hell are you talking about?” Her voice raised an octave.
“You will address me as ‘Your Majesty’, not by my given name,” he ordered with a chill smile. He took a great deal of pleasure in seeing her expression turn from one of anger to seething rage.
“Who the hell are you to give me orders?”
“Your king, Sarah. You wished yourself to me and now I can do with you as I see fit.” Something in his expression made her take a step back from him and he felt pleasure rush through him. “You are now a member of the palace staff, I will leave it to Torel and Clara to assign your duties. You will address me with the respect and reverence deserving of me as your king.”
“You what? A servant? What right have you got to turn me into a servant?” She demanded.
“By all rights I should simply kill you where you stand. After what you did to my kingdom, after what you did to my people? I should have left you to die! But I am a generous man, Sarah, and I have decided to give you this chance. Rest assured, however, that if you cross me, I will not be so lenient. Am I clear?” She stared up at him, comprehension slowly filling her brilliant green eyes. “Am I clear?” He demanded once again, his voice now a low growl.
“Yes, Your Majesty,” There was a mocking note in her voice and she sketched a quick, clumsy curtsey, before turning and trying to leave. The door would not open and she rattled the knob before turning to glare at him.
“You have not been dismissed yet, Sarah. You should know better.” He waved his hand negligently. “You may go.” The door opened and she turned. “Oh, and, Sarah,” she looked back at him. “Work on your curtsey, it was altogether too clumsy. As I recall you have more grace than that.” She slammed the door closed behind her and heard his mocking laugh through the thick wood. She muttered to herself as she walked away, beginning the difficult task of finding her way back to her room and meeting her new room mate.
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artemisdesari Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 11:02 am
In my opinion, the story is moving way too fast. There's not enough description of the scenery/setting. I mean, sure we know what Jareth's castle looks like (vaguely), but what about the other rooms and such?
It's a disgusting castle run amuck with goblins. Make it seems dirty and and digusting. ;P
Slow it down a bit and maybe delve into the thoughts of the characters? It would be a bit humourous to perhaps see what they're really thinking about the whole situation.
(Personally, I wouldn't want to be thrust into a situation in such a big of a whirl that I go on with my duties with my eyes rolling back into my head. blaugh )
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Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 9:06 pm
I like the story so far though I do have to agree with Chexednut. I am waiting for another installment soon though =]
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