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 Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 5:55 pm
Hi I would like to post some of my poems I hope everyone enjoys reading them and please let me know what you think.
Butterfly Rainbow
Rainbow colors majestic scenery filled with beauty and creativity. Magical wings fly in the air graced with the glow of angels. The colors soar in a pattern of beauty and light. Butterflies soar with such grace that they look like sparkling rainbows of beauty and wonder.
Their wings give off a sparkling shine that makes me smile a lot with joy and happiness. The sparkling magic sparkles like the sunlight anew in the morning waking up from its slumber. Look up in the sky so that you can view a wonderful spectacle to behold during the day.
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Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 5:57 pm
here is another poem that I would like to post enjoy
Celestial Moonlight Journey
The universe is a vast treasure of emotions and feelings that come to life when we least expect it. The moonlight dawns upon the celestial beam of color and light. The stars gleam on the earth with every passing turn that the world does. The Heavens open up to the new souls that have made it to look forward to a new life filled with happiness and love. The planets spin like they are at a dance with the one they will love forever till the end of time. The only way to view such a wonderful spectacle is to look deep into your heart and soul and to look up in the sky with not only your eyes but also with your heart as well.
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Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 6:04 pm
Music Of The Soul
Music has the power to speak to people through the lyric's.
Each expression is like a drop of water that gives life to a person's soul as each passing note that is played on the radio. The flow of music is like a beautiful image of sound and light.
When I listen to a beautiful song I like to picture an image of a person dancing or a beautiful sunset near the beach. Music also has the ability to make someone remember their first love, or make them think of their first broken heart as well. Music is very powerful and inspirational.
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Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 11:49 pm
O.O It's too late for me to do it now, but I'll comment on your poems tomorrow, promise!
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Posted: Fri Aug 19, 2005 7:37 pm
Sorry about taking so long. sweatdrop
Your poems certainly have beauty in them, and that‘s a wonderful thing. But, I think there are things about them that make it difficult for the reader to see that beauty.
First of all, I think your formatting should be altered. There are reasons why poets have their poems set up in lines, stanzas, and whatnot. It's a form of organization, like paragraphing for short stories. I'm not saying that it has to be in a stapled, generic format(though there's nothing wrong with that). I just think that a single paragraph is not a good way to present a poem; it makes it seem more like an essay.
Another think I want to suggest is to try not to repeat words. It's always best to use variety in order to keep a poem from sounding redundant. For example, in Butterfly Rainbow, you used the word "sparkle" four times. Maybe instead you could replace a few with words like "glimmer," "glitter," "flash," "shimmer," or "twinkle." There's others, but these are probably the best ones.
I'm not trying to attack or insult you or your work. Again, I think your poems are beautiful, and the light and sweet tone to them are a welcome change to the darker, angsty works(though I like them too). But, I think that a few changes are needed, so they can evolve to the point where it will warm a reader’s heart.
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Posted: Fri Aug 19, 2005 9:52 pm
FieryKnife Sorry about taking so long. sweatdrop Your poems certainly have beauty in them, and that‘s a wonderful thing. But, I think there are things about them that make it difficult for the reader to see that beauty. First of all, I think your formatting should be altered. There are reasons why poets have their poems set up in lines, stanzas, and whatnot. It's a form of organization, like paragraphing for short stories. I'm not saying that it has to be in a stapled, generic format(though there's nothing wrong with that). I just think that a single paragraph is not a good way to present a poem; it makes it seem more like an essay. Another think I want to suggest is to try not to repeat words. It's always best to use variety in order to keep a poem from sounding redundant. For example, in Butterfly Rainbow, you used the word "sparkle" four times. Maybe instead you could replace a few with words like "glimmer," "glitter," "flash," "shimmer," or "twinkle." There's others, but these are probably the best ones. I'm not trying to attack or insult you or your work. Again, I think your poems are beautiful, and the light and sweet tone to them are a welcome change to the darker, angsty works(though I like them too). But, I think that a few changes are needed, so they can evolve to the point where it will warm a reader’s heart. Thank you for your suggestions I appreciate it. Hopefully I will get better with my writing. I forgot to mention that my style of writing is called free verse its my favorite way to write stories and poems. When I write a poem I let my soul open up so that my hand can write freely the expressions I am trying to show. I will be sure to fix the words that I used to much I am glad that you were able to figure that out.
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Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2005 10:31 am
No problem. Free verse is the style I choose for poetry as well. It offers more freedom in expression. Besides, rhyming can sound corny sometimes. But even if it doesn't rhyme, it still is lyrical, and flows like a rhyming poem all the same.
Thank you for listening. That's one of the most important parts of improving. You're a nice girl. heart
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Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2005 11:37 am
FieryKnife No problem. Free verse is the style I choose for poetry as well. It offers more freedom in expression. Besides, rhyming can sound corny sometimes. But even if it doesn't rhyme, it still is lyrical, and flows like a rhyming poem all the same. Thank you for listening. That's one of the most important parts of improving. You're a nice girl. heart Thank you for the compliment I appreciate it. Please feel free to give some insight on my poetry I could use some help with my poetry. You are a nice person too.
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Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2005 12:41 pm
Thank you. I'll do that. Feel free to comment on my stuff too. 3nodding
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Posted: Sun Aug 28, 2005 1:22 pm
This is a story I wrote a while back. I got inspired after rpging the character in the story is from yugioh so please enjoy and please feel free to comment because I would like some insight on the story.
Atmospheric Trance
Yami puts his arms around my waist while he kisses my neck.
I take him into my arms and we slow dance again. I put my head on his shoulder while he has his arms around my waist. It feels like we are floating on a cloud with stars gleaming all we can think of is how much we like each other & how we never want this night to end.
Our hearts flutter with each passing second that goes by. The heat of his body and the feel of the soft velvet of his clothes feel wonderful against my crimson cheeks. I look at him with my eyes filled with passion and desire. It feels like it is directed back at me with his look of love and kindness. The time feels like it is going by slowly with each passing second that goes by. He takes me outside were the moon is full and the stars are bright and gorgeous. Yami looks at me smiling brightly. His smile lets me know that I will always be in his heart. Then he touches his lips with mine lips gently I tip my head close my eyes put my hands on his shoulders and I enjoy the feel of his soft velvetie sensations of his lips moving in a hypnotic dance that makes me feel as if I was in a trance. Our eyes are closed we dont think about anything else except each other.
The sensations we are feeling cause's our bodies to shiver with bliss and happiness. When we come up for air our cheeks are flushed with radiance and beauty. We are both panting but smiling at the same time. We look at each other when suddenly the soft music starts again he gives me a gentle smile he takes my hands and puts them around his waist I look at him with a sweet smile we glide on the dance floor. I put my head on his shoulder again and I sigh happily. The music and the lights create a beautiful scene like from a romantic movie the scene has created a mood filled with love and passion.
we look at each other when suddenly the soft music starts again. he gives me a gentle smile and he takes my hands and puts then on his waist i look at him with a sweet smile.
we glide on the dance floor i put my head on his shoulder again and i sigh happily the music and the lights create a beautiful scene like in a romantic movie the scene has created a mood filled with romance and passion
the dance floor transforms into a dizzy aray of a thousand colors from a rainbow yami puts his hands on my chin lifting my eyes to his. he touches my lips lightly with his causes our senses to feel erotic with sensuality
his body scorches mine with each caress to my skin. our hands grope one another while we are in each others arms after an hour we break apart for air my body feels tingly with love. i feel lightheaded and giddy we hold one another in a loving embrace the warmth of each others touch gives off the glow of love his hair feels very soft and feathery against my skin it feels good
his hands are nimble and soft his kisses me like it was our last day on earth.
the world is spinning in a fast whirl wind my body feels numb with each hot caress on my skin.
finally we break apart our body bodies we start to gasp for air our eyes are hazed over with passion and desire.
we embrace one another until the clock strikes twelve the dance is over everyone leaves. yami decides to walk me home he puts his arms around my waist.
the stars look gorgeous they sparkle like a beautiful candle that has just been lite. the moon is full it looks wonderful. he walks me to my door step we look at one another one more time until we kiss one more time. then we say our goodbyes now we both know what true love really is. i fall asleep that night dreaming of my true love
imagining his beautiful eyes his sexy smile gleaming like a beautiful diamond shining in the sunlight. a smile appears on my face along with my cheeks flushed light red the next day i decide to go for a walk at th e park.
the tree's are beautiful and majestic i see yami sitting on the bench i decide to walk over there.
when i get there i surprise him with a kiss on his cheek he looks up and smiles i sit next to him and he captures my lips in a gentle kiss. his soft lips feels wonderful and nice i use my hands to caress his hair. when we come up for air we both smile we embrace one another feeling happy and glad. he touches my lips his own once more. the spell he is casting has made me lightheade finally after we kiss we say our goodbyes and we leave one another with love in our hearts forever
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Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 8:01 pm
Well, I read this one in your journal earlier, so I'm gonna point out some key things. Especially since I can't see it in the reply box. xp
Firstly, it'd probably be a good idea to do some proofreading-it makes all stories more enjoyable, and it's easy too. blaugh And I know I said this before, but try to have more of a variety of words...or try not to overuse them. Whichever works better. The ones I can pick out of my head at the moment are "Love, Passion, and Desire."
Other than that, I enjoyed it. Those two are cute, and the scene is very picturesque...Hmm. ^_^ And I don't even watch the show. Imagine that.
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