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Short Poem - Up for Critics

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This is a...
poem
100%
 100%  [ 3 ]
song
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
short story? O_o
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 3


~.Kaarii.~

PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 5:30 pm


Untitled
As I tumble through the open door
Wings from beneath lift me to soar
Laughter erupts from a mirthless cry
Beneath the sky, I soar, I fly

As I tumble into the sea below
Thoughts of you drift aglow
Floating beneath a dawning day
Beauty erases those thoughts away

Until emptiness fills me heart
Until we start falling apart
Nothing to keep us together now
Wondering about the when, the how
to be continued...

I slightly made that up on the spot so ignore me if it doesn't make sense because I can't really figure out what I'm trying to say. If anyone hasn't guessed yet, it's a short poem about a boy I once loved.
PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 5:34 pm


Note: This poem was not written by me but rather a friend so look at if you'd like and tell me what you think. I honestly think that this was one of the most raw poems that I've ever read and I really love it.

I was sort-of hoping
That you would come along
Like the answer to a prayer
And the music to a song
Like the kind-of thing that happens
In a special place and time
That will change our lives forever
Like a fantasy of mine
The fantasy was there before
I ever knew your name
And now that I have found you
We will never be the same
So pardon if I look at you
Forgive me if I stare
At the fantasy I knew before
I saw you standing there
For I was always hoping
That you would come along
Like the answer to a prayer
And the music to a song

~.Kaarii.~


DragoLee

PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 10:08 pm


Well you're right, its raw, but I can feel the emotin expressed in it clearly. That's an important part. Stir the reader in the intended direaction.  
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The Writing Room

 
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