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 Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 8:07 pm
The Grammatical b*****d says: As none of you may know, I'm terrible at writing, but it's a hobby of mine. Not one I make enough time for. Mainly I simply write my clichéd character ideas and bits of stories. This I plan on remedying (to what effect, I cannot say) by making more time to read and taking a writing class after high school.
What's my point? Well, I finally sat down and wrote something a while ago that can at least be considered halfway stand alone (rather than trying to weave into a mythos-style). I've only shown this to one person so far (my mother, so that's clearly a biased opinion). So I want a critique - to whatever extent you can afford. (Also, do Grammar Nazi me about any mistakes.)
Without any further babbling, I present: "Unnamed Entry 11" (until I find a proper name):
Quote: Pandora kept walking forward on numb legs. It was all she could do now, and it was purely instinct. To stop would mean to die, and she didn't have any intention of doing that. Not in this endless wasteland, at least. She looked towards the unsetting sun, as though expecting it to be different after seeing no changes the first ten thousand times. Sadly, that black sun shone without falter. She'd give anything to see the moon one more time. Wanting a reason to take her eyes off that once luminous star, she looked about her surroundings. Pandora had walked countless miles, yet she always saw the same thing: sand, stone, and corpses. She had no idea what had taken place in this hell, but she was glad it wasn't one of her memories. Tired, she thought. It'd be all right to sit for just a moment. It shouldn't hurt.Pandora walked to the nearest rock and let herself slide to the ground. She was about to close her eyes when an unexpected memory showed up. It was of her never-born sister. The were playing hide-and-seek together, like always. As usual, Pandora was seeking and her sister was hiding. She was the best at hiding, so the game would always end when Pandora gave up. Though it was a happy memory, she began crying. Maybe it's because she never found her hidden sister, and so that she was still seeking. Her body feeling heavy, Pandora laid down onto the rough sand. Time to give up, she thought. The tears stopped running as her open eyes went dull.
There. Insult or praise as you so desire, just try to include some constructive criticism with it.And this time, he means it.
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Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 11:01 pm
Ever heard the writer maxim "Show, don't tell?" I think the problem that sticks out the most to me, is that you're telling too much. For instance: Quote: It was all she could do now, and it was purely instinct. To stop would mean to die, and she didn't have any intention of doing that. Not in this endless wasteland, at least. Quote: . . .as though expecting it to be different after seeing no changes the first ten thousand times. Sadly, that black sun shone without falter. She'd give anything to see the moon one more time. Quote: Wanting a reason to take her eyes off that once luminous star, she looked about her surroundings. Quote: She had no idea what had taken place in this hell, but she was glad it wasn't one of her memories. These passages especially tell rather than show. I think the problem is that you want to make this scene longer because it takes time, but you are introducing new information via telling the reader directly. You don't need to do this. Let the story tell itself; you show the reader the story. Don't worry; most people are guilty of far more obtrusive info-dumps.
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Britomartis-the-Valiant Vice Captain
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Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 11:55 pm
The Grammatical b*****d says: Thank you very much. That's actually one of my common writing problems, which is why I really am starving for a good Lovecraft book from my library. Reading and studying his writing helps me notice many of the problems with my writing, but I've only had the chance to read one of his books. Of course, that works with reading any book, but I just find his more engaging.
Hopefully I can find the time to start revising this. I'll be able to have a bit more time tomorrow, so I'll have to start then. I'm not exactly clear of mind right now.
I'll post updated an updated version when it's done, or at least when it's presentable.And this time, he means it.
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Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 6:54 am
Host Dunkelheit Her body feeling heavy, Pandora lie down onto the rough sand. Shouldn't it be 'laid'? Erm...a bit more of setting info would be nice pfft...I need to take that bit of advice for myself... *headdesk* Overall, nice piece 3nodding
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Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 2:27 pm
The Grammatical b*****d says: Poxes, I knew there was a grammatical mistake in there! *fixes*And this time, he means it.
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Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 2:46 pm
xD i think "It was all she could do now, and it was purely instinct. To stop would mean to die, and she didn't have any intention of doing that. Not in this endless wasteland, at least." is fine i mean its not to much and it makes a great idea in what she was thinking smile
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The one that never was Captain
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