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part two of the guild fanfic

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negimafan567

PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 10:07 pm


negi opened his eyes and saw it was morning.
"good morning,negi" said asuna from the kitchenette they had in there dorm. "good morning,asuna....um..what's burning" negi said
"uh..what oh crap, the bacon?!?!??!!!" asuna said panicingly
"baka baka baka " asuna muttered under her breath. "it's okay asuna,but tell me one thing..why are you trying to cook breakfast?" asked negi
"well i figuered after that thing with bookworm i'd try to make feel better,you know do something nice for you" said asuna
"and i kinda over-reacted when i saw you and nodoka so i wanted to make it up to you" she said
"asuna you didn't need to do all this and it was kinda my fault too because teacher and student shouldn't have that type of relationship...but also in a way i wish i could....waaaaaa what am i saying i shouldn't be thinking that way about my student this is wrong...wrong wrong wrong !'' negi whimpered "asuna what should i do?" negi asked whith tears in his eyes
"negi..i'm in no place to tell you what you should and shouldn't do but you should tell these things to nodoka and not me and also you should eat something first before worrying about these things" said asuna
"but if i don't get ahold of the situation i will end up straining the relationship with nodoka and in the end hurt her deeply" negi said
"negi..i."but before asuna got to finish her sentence negi jumped out of bed and began to change out of his pajamas and into his regular clothes.
"negi what are you doing?" asuna asked
"i have to talk to nodoka before something bad happens." negi said
fully changed, negi hurried to the door and opened it and walked to the dorm next door he began to breath deeply and exhale gathering all of his courage while standing if front of nodoka's door he knocked three times
"who is it?" nodoka's voice sounded "it's negi,i need to talk to you nodoka" negi said. meanwhile on the other side of the door nodoka stood there frozen in panic, heart racing "what should i do?"nodoka thought
"nodoka please open the door,i really need to talk to you"said negi
nodoka grasped the doorknob firmly and furiously turned the handle
"nodoka..i.." negi stammered in suprise "y-y-you wanted to talk to me?" nodoka stuttered. "nodoka i wanted to talk about what happened yesterday" said negi
"um..okay come in, i don't want to talk about this in the hallway" said nodoka. negi walked in heart racing "nodoka i want to apologize for my actions yesterday i should of said stop or reminded you we were still teacher and student and i don't want hurt you but i don't know how to go about this but it's not that i don't like you it's more like it goes against my own standards because i am a teacher and you are my student and..." nodoka interupted "i'm sorry it's just i couldn't control myself and i let myself go like that and it's getting harder and harder to keep my feelings back...and-d-d" nodoka drop to her knees and put her face in her hands and began to cry.
negi kneeled down beside her and put his arm around her shoulders then she looked up into negi's eyes and negi into nodoka's they locked eyes and a feeling washed over negi, like a command as did nodoka as there faces drew closer it was like they could not resist each other they kissed long and passionately it was as if time itself had stopped and then.........

will they do something they will regret?
will they follow threw with what there about to do?

to be continued!!!!!!!!!!!!
PostPosted: Mon Nov 05, 2007 5:58 pm


I'm going to just say this. You need detail. MUCH more detail. put specific thoughts and feelings of characters in a OOC fashion, put more emotion after welcomes, goodbyes, and anything that has to do with speech. Like this: "baka baka baka " asuna muttered under her breath. He knew she couldn't cook and she knew it too, but she still didn't like him asking.
Things like that. If you put more detail, especially in the beginning, you hook the reader. After you get a great opening, you can cut back on the details, LIGHTLY. but don't EVER stop pouring in the detail, unless you do what I do and you constantly switch perspectives. another tip is to do just that, Alter perspectives. Start with negi's perspective with TONS of detail, then, with something clearly marking your changing the perspective ((like a ----------- or ______________ or something like that)), put it to third person Omnipotent, and take away most of the detail to show everyone's thoughts and feelings, but in a lighter amount.

Hope these tips help out later.

Reine Resel
Captain

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