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 Posted: Thu Oct 04, 2007 12:21 am
Another piece for my Creative Writing course, tear it to shreds. It's unfinished and needs revising. Any criticism is greatly appreciated.
Layla (v.1) [working title]
Far off and away,
Where the snow falls slight,
Is my dear, my conscious,
My source of light,
Though, apart,
She is always near,
Kept close my heart,
As well my ear,
The one true constant,
Of my life,
When things change,
I grasp her tight,
Trade her never,
Like a precious jewel,
No person can compare,
Too mine, Haven’s Yule,
Treating her right,
Impossible it seems,
For my screw ups,
A daily thing,
Yet, she still shows love,
Stands by my side,
Understands my human,
My arrogance, my pride,
I love her more,
Then any man should,
A brotherly love,
Completely pure.
revised version to be posted in the next few weeks
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Posted: Thu Oct 04, 2007 7:21 am
Like I said before, poetry is not my strong suite by any means, but you've conveyed the emotion behind the work, and the piece itself flows smoothly. Can't really offer anything by way of suggestions.
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Posted: Thu Oct 04, 2007 10:46 am
Jaeger_Ayers Like I said before, poetry is not my strong suite by any means, but you've conveyed the emotion behind the work, and the piece itself flows smoothly. Can't really offer anything by way of suggestions. lol, we're the only ones that post in this forum xd I think I'll go surf the writer and book forums for recruits later.
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Posted: Thu Oct 04, 2007 6:18 pm
I'm going to keep changing the title until I find one I like...
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Posted: Fri Oct 05, 2007 4:39 am
I'm sorely tempted to start posting some really weird s**t in here just to see if anyone else in the guild notices. stare Pesky illiterates. xp
Good luck with the name hunt. That can sometimes be the hardest part.
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Posted: Fri Oct 05, 2007 11:56 am
Jaeger_Ayers I'm sorely tempted to start posting some really weird s**t in here just to see if anyone else in the guild notices. stare Pesky illiterates. xp We should...start having conversations about masturbating elephants or something. No one ever checks this forum >.< even when I tell them too, they don't. Written word is the unappreciated art form of Domo. We are the outcasts my friend. Expression through text is lost on these primitive brutes; they are much more interested in their cave paintings.
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Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2007 12:21 pm
Note: Not a pesky illterate, I just don't write anything nor have the abilities to judge what other people write. That doesn't mean I haven't read every thread in this guild so far. So naaaaaah. And it ain't like I get a lot of love in the animation forum y'all. xp
I think you should send it to her Moki, if you havn't already. She'd really enjoy it I think, especially right with her ruff patch of retarded Connecticut friends.
Also: I really enjoyed the pome. It gave me warm fuzzies. heart
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Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 11:52 am
Red Scully Note: Not a pesky illterate, I just don't write anything nor have the abilities to judge what other people write. That doesn't mean I haven't read every thread in this guild so far. So naaaaaah. And it ain't like I get a lot of love in the animation forum y'all. xp
I think you should send it to her Moki, if you havn't already. She'd really enjoy it I think, especially right with her ruff patch of retarded Connecticut friends.
Also: I really enjoyed the pome. It gave me warm fuzzies. heart She has a copy, I was actually talking to her when I wrote it. I had writers block and she told me to write a poem about her. Two made it to paper...one was a comical jot of her breaking her finger, losing a toe, and dying in the snow >.< the other *points up* was a tad bit more on the serious side. I love my Layla I miss my Layla Eight more freaking weeks Yeah, she's been having a rough patch with the people in her life, even outside of CN. Unfortunately, I'm not a stress free topic for her either...but, eh...that's another poem for another day.
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Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 8:49 pm
[PWG] Moki Red Scully Note: Not a pesky illterate, I just don't write anything nor have the abilities to judge what other people write. That doesn't mean I haven't read every thread in this guild so far. So naaaaaah. And it ain't like I get a lot of love in the animation forum y'all. xp
I think you should send it to her Moki, if you havn't already. She'd really enjoy it I think, especially right with her ruff patch of retarded Connecticut friends.
Also: I really enjoyed the pome. It gave me warm fuzzies. heart She has a copy, I was actually talking to her when I wrote it. I had writers block and she told me to write a poem about her. Two made it to paper...one was a comical jot of her breaking her finger, losing a toe, and dying in the snow >.< the other *points up* was a tad bit more on the serious side. I love my Layla I miss my Layla Eight more freaking weeks Yeah, she's been having a rough patch with the people in her life, even outside of CN. Unfortunately, I'm not a stress free topic for her either...but, eh...that's another poem for another day.
Moki, are you a stress free topic for anyoe? wink
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Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 11:33 pm
Red Scully [PWG] Moki Red Scully Note: Not a pesky illterate, I just don't write anything nor have the abilities to judge what other people write. That doesn't mean I haven't read every thread in this guild so far. So naaaaaah. And it ain't like I get a lot of love in the animation forum y'all. xp
I think you should send it to her Moki, if you havn't already. She'd really enjoy it I think, especially right with her ruff patch of retarded Connecticut friends.
Also: I really enjoyed the pome. It gave me warm fuzzies. heart She has a copy, I was actually talking to her when I wrote it. I had writers block and she told me to write a poem about her. Two made it to paper...one was a comical jot of her breaking her finger, losing a toe, and dying in the snow >.< the other *points up* was a tad bit more on the serious side. I love my Layla I miss my Layla Eight more freaking weeks Yeah, she's been having a rough patch with the people in her life, even outside of CN. Unfortunately, I'm not a stress free topic for her either...but, eh...that's another poem for another day.
Moki, are you a stress free topic for anyoe? wink Hum, that is actually a very good question. Alright, let me reiterate; I do not believe myself to be a stressful topic for most people whom I make attempts to stay friends with. However, recently I...eh, I was going to explain...but, eh, I'll explain why Moki's a stressful topic at the moment some other time. Oh well, she says she'll love me no matter what so in theory we're good for life >.< *starts singing NEW YORK, NEW YORK* lol, I'm spending a week in Connecticut lying around doing little to nothing while Layla finishes up her exams before we can finally make it out to New York...that's how much I miss her. Although, Hunter Mugford is going to be on the East Coast as well and he offered me VIP status in his families Casino in CN...I'll most likely take him up on the offer.
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Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 12:53 pm
[PWG] Moki Hum, that is actually a very good question. Alright, let me reiterate; I do not believe myself to be a stressful topic for most people whom I make attempts to stay friends with. However, recently I...eh, I was going to explain...but, eh, I'll explain why Moki's a stressful topic at the moment some other time. Oh well, she says she'll love me no matter what so in theory we're good for life >.< *starts singing NEW YORK, NEW YORK* lol, I'm spending a week in Connecticut lying around doing little to nothing while Layla finishes up her exams before we can finally make it out to New York...that's how much I miss her. Although, Hunter Mugford is going to be on the East Coast as well and he offered me VIP status in his families Casino in CN...I'll most likely take him up on the offer.
WTF?
xd
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Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 1:08 pm
Red Scully [PWG] Moki Hum, that is actually a very good question. Alright, let me reiterate; I do not believe myself to be a stressful topic for most people whom I make attempts to stay friends with. However, recently I...eh, I was going to explain...but, eh, I'll explain why Moki's a stressful topic at the moment some other time. Oh well, she says she'll love me no matter what so in theory we're good for life >.< *starts singing NEW YORK, NEW YORK* lol, I'm spending a week in Connecticut lying around doing little to nothing while Layla finishes up her exams before we can finally make it out to New York...that's how much I miss her. Although, Hunter Mugford is going to be on the East Coast as well and he offered me VIP status in his families Casino in CN...I'll most likely take him up on the offer.
WTF?
xd People actually do give me theme songs >.< but yes, I need a completely original theme. Someone book a recording studio and let me spit some wicked lyrics. The latest theme song I've been handed is 'Headlight Disco' by The Click Five simply because I have a tendency to show up in peoples driveways in the middle of the night...nothing to do but drive around and find random mischief. It takes a special quality to get close to me, simply because I am incredibly random. lol, last week I showed up at Lindseys with a frick load of people already in my car and yelled at her to get in the car. Where were we going? No clue, ended up at Rainbow Falls >.< Last night I pulled random people (who can be loosely be called friends) into a late night mission to Walmart for the Twilight Zone Movie DVD. Then I leaned against my car in a vacant parking lot until 2am >.< Moki is a restless spirit, only a rare few on this island can really keep up with my antsy-ness. --- Do you even remember Hunter man, he's moving to Boston sometime this month and his dad has that casino in CN. So, Moki shall be exploiting the relation.
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