Welcome to Gaia! ::

Reply Original stories here
Untitled Story

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

MrGuy0250

PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:31 pm


Please do some heavvy criticism with this tid-bit of a story I've been doing as of late. I really want to improve on it.

The armor-clad soldier stood ready at his post. The firelight flowing from a nearby torch danced on his emerald suit and his young face. His brown eyes were large and his hair long, a look of concentration etched upon his face. He stood next to a large door, which was close to an even larger window at the end of the hallway. This door was the entrance to the king’s chamber, one of the most important posts one could be assigned to.

He looked to his left and observed the guard on the opposite side of the door. The man was older than he was, and it was blatantly obvious. His grey, untidy hair fell before his blue eyes. The amount of scars on his face matched, or even outnumbered the number of wrinkles. Though he was old, he did not look at all feeble. The enormous sword on his waits did not seem to affect him, and he was a larger looking man than some of the other men in the castle.

After meticulously observing his partner he asked, “How long have you been at this post?”

The old man turned his head and looked at his younger counter-part. The man’s eyes were fixed on his own, unmoving and his brow furrowed in thought. It was as if he were trying to look into his soul. After several seconds, he replied in a deep, raspy voice, at least 25 years. This is your first day, if I’m not mistaken.”

The boy nodded and responded, “Yes sir,” in a respectful tone.

“Don’t call me that,” he said hastily, “Call me Racht.”

“And you can call me Arius.” They exchanged respectful looks and proceeded to wait. Arius was uneasy; for he was sure some sort of attacker would be here. He just had a feeling… After an hour or so, Racht sat down and said, “Do you mind if you keep watch alone for a while? These old bones can’t hold up this armor for too long. It’s a real pain that I have to cope with.”

“Why don’t you just retire?” Arius asked.

“Than what, face the wrath of my family? I’d rather knock down a tree with my skull. Ever since my Great Grandfather was a soldier, every male in my family has done the same until they were struck down, no matter how old they were. So retiring would break that chain and I’d force the wrath of my family of guards on myself. So, to avoid that, I plan to make the day of my retirement the same as the day of my funeral. So, If you’d be so kind, I’d like to rest.”

Arius disapproved of this a fair amount, but did not say anything in order to avoid a quarrel. So he, regretfully, stayed silent. Be stood there quietly thinking of his life, which was a wonderful one. Being in the army offered his wife and son protection. It also brought in a better than average income. He lived in a small, but beautiful village on the outskirts of the kingdom. He couldn’t ask for much more than he already had.

Several hours passed, and Arius had started to get uncomfortable. The armor started to weigh much more than it had hours ago, and the long hours seemed to last days. He also felt uncomfortable with Racht still resting. He had not said a word or even stirred it quite some time. Arius was afraid he may have died in his sleep. The sun had just started to melt below the horizon when Racht, finally showing signs of life, said in a grave voice, “Now the job truly starts.”
PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 2:38 pm


Your story is quite good, but I fixed a few technical errors and made it a bit easier to understand. If you have a question about one of my corrections, go ahead and ask.

The armor-clad soldier stood ready at his post. The firelight flowing from a nearby torch danced on his emerald suit and his young face. His brown eyes were large and his hair long, a look of concentration etched upon his face. He stood next to a large door, which was close to an even larger window situated at the end of the hallway. This door was the entrance to the king’s chamber, one of the most important posts one could be assigned to.

He looked to his left and observed the guard on the opposite side of the door. The man was older than he was, and it was blatantly obvious. His grey, untidy hair fell before his blue eyes. The amount of scars on his face matched, or even outnumbered, the number of wrinkles. Though he was old, he did not look at all feeble. The enormous sword on his waits did not seem to affect him, and he was a larger looking man than some of the other men in the castle.

After meticulously observing his partner,he asked, “How long have you been at this post?”

The old man turned his head and looked at his younger counter-part. The man’s eyes were fixed on his own, unmoving, and his brow furrowed in thought. It was as if he were trying to look into his soul. After several seconds, he replied in a deep, raspy, voice, "At least 25 years. This is your first day, if I’m not mistaken.”

The boy nodded and responded, “Yes sir,” in a respectful tone.

“Don’t call me that,” he said hastily, “Call me Racht.”

“And you can call me Arius.” They exchanged respectful looks and proceeded to wait. Arius was uneasy; for he was sure some sort of attacker would be here. He just had a feeling… After an hour or so, Racht sat down and said, “Do you mind if you keep watch alone for a while? These old bones can’t hold up this armor for too long. It’s a real pain that I have to cope with.”

“Why don’t you just retire?” Arius asked.

“Thaen what? Face the wrath of my family? I’d rather knock down a tree with my skull. Ever since my Great Grandfather was a soldier, every male in my family has done the same until they were struck down, no matter how old they were. So retiring would break that chain, and I’d forcing the wrath of my family of guards on myself. So, to avoid that, I plan to make the day of my retirement the same as the day of my funeral. So Now, Iif you’d be so kind, I’d like to rest.”

Arius disapproved of this a fair amount, but wanted to avoid a quarrel did not say anything in order to avoid a quarrel. So he, regretfully, stayed silent. He stood there quietly thinking of his life, which was a wonderful one. Being in the army offered his wife and son protection. It also brought in a better than average income. He lived in a small, but beautiful village on the outskirts of the kingdom. He couldn’t ask for much more than he already had.

Several hours passed, and Arius had started to get uncomfortable. The armor started to weigh much more than it had hours ago, and the long hours seemed to last days. He also felt uncomfortable with Racht still resting. He had not said a word or even stirred it quite some time. Arius was afraid he may have died in his sleep. The sun had just started to melt below the horizon when Racht, finally showing signs of life, said in a grave voice, “Now the job truly starts.”

beachvolleygirl10
Captain

Reply
Original stories here

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
//
//

// //

Have an account? Login Now!

//
//