This is my finished piece, it's no literary masterpiece and I only changed the ending...but it was good enough to get me the A grade (of course he was giving out A's as long as we met the word limit and had conflict >.<
Quote:
Characters
May, 42, Soccer Mom
Rusty, 16, Hip Hop Wanabe
Scene: Two cars with their front bumper and grills smashed in (representing a fender bender). A traffic light blinking red (to show it’s not working properly). Scene opens, May and Rusty exit their respective vehicles from the driver side visibly flustered.
Rusty: [steps out of his moms Toyota 4Runner SUV, which he borrowed for the night] Ah man, check my ride!
May: [steps out of her Honda Odysseys Mini-Van, a pile of soccer balls fall out with her] Great! This is exactly what I needed!
Rusty: What was you thinking lady?! You banged up my whip!
May: [in a, matter-of-fact tone] ‘what were you thinking’
Rusty: What was I thinking?! You the one who hit me fool.
May: No, I was simply correcting…you know what, never mind! I did not hit you; I clearly had the right of way. You are the one who ignored the stop sign.
Rusty: [looks around] What damn stop sign? Ah, man…my moms going to bite my a** off.
May: [points towards a sign] That stop sign…you ran it and now my sole mode of transportation needs a new bumper.
Rusty: Just got my damned license, took me getting on my knees for my moms ta let me use her wheels…and now this! I’m never going to hear the end of it.
May: There is no definition in the English dictionary for ‘ta’ I believe the word you were looking for was ‘to’
Rusty: [mocking his mother] Rusty Larriens Jones, what were you thinking!?
May: [walks back to her Mini-Van] The first soccer game of the season and I am going to be late. I am going to miss my kids first goal all thanks to this.
Rusty: It wasn’t my fault mom! This crazy lady with a car full of soccer balls smashed right into me! [yelling] how could you see with that many soccer balls up in yo whip?!
May: [grabs a pad of paper from her glove compartment] I am a perfectly capable driver, thank you very much…and at the sake of sounding repetitive; ‘yo’ is not a word.
Rusty: I don’t think so grandma, I think they obstructed your vision…enough for you to bust the grill of my fly ride.
May: Your mothers ride…now give me our contact and insurance information.
Rusty: I don’t know nothing about insurance and you ain’t getting my phone number.
May: ‘aren’t’ and if you refuse to cooperate maybe we should get the police involved.
Rusty: Bring ‘em on! I’m sure they’d love to see all those balls bouncing up in that ride. They’ll know who’s in the right!
[Rusty slaps himself in the head]
Rusty: [flips open cell phone] Balls! My god, I forgot all about my girl! She’s probably sitting in front of the theater all by herself.
May: [flips open her own cell phone] Fine, if you insist. We’ll get the authorities involved.
Rusty: [talking on the phone] Hey babe, I’m sorry I don’t think I’ll be able to make it…no, no…no it’s not like that…no, this crazy lady just ran head on into me…I’m telling the truth!
May: [also on the phone] Hello, my name is May Bartlebizle and I was just in a car accident. Yes, we are currently a little ways off 3rd Street in the Old Industrial Area. Thank you.
Rusty: [still on the phone] I swear to god, I’m telling the truth.
May: [snaps phone shut] well they should be here in a few minutes, and you’ll get what’s coming to you.
Rusty: Babe, I was on my way and…why do you always have to be like that?!
May: Telling me it was my fault, you can’t even form a proper sentence and you think you’re the better driver…ha!
Rusty: Every time! Every damn time something goes slightly off schedule you throw a hissy fit! I’m trying to tell you that I was in a car accident and all you can do is give me grief. God!
May: My youngest boy, Joe, is probably scoring his first goal right now…and I’m not there to see it.
Rusty: Fine, if that’s what you want consider us through.
[Rusty hangs up his phone]
Rusty: [grumbling] I am finished with her, I could have died today and she just wants to b***h and moan. Oh, she’s going to call me back but when she does I don’t care how hard she begs I am not taking her and her whiney little a** back. Nope, we are so totally over.
May: You know I was supposed to bring snacks today! I had grapes and oranges all ready to go; now they are going to starve at halftime. All the other parents are going to speak ill of me, thank you very much.
Rusty: She does this every time, I swear to god we are through.
May: What is taking these cops so long? I guess a speedy response is a thing of the past.
Rusty: [cell phone ringing] you see, I knew it…probably just wants to chew my ear off some more.
May: I remember when you were able to call 911 and have an officer at your doorstep in less than four minutes. Now days you’re lucky if they show up at all.
Rusty: [answers his cell phone] what?
May: Of course I also remember a time where they only gave licenses to people who were qualified enough to operate a vehicle.
Rusty: [still on the phone] No baby, I’m sorry. It’s completely my fault. I shouldn’t have snapped at you, I know it must have been stressful being stranded there not knowing where I am.
May: The driving age should be raised, horney teenagers should not be allowed behind the wheel of a car. They completely ignore road signs…I think they’re day dreaming about sex…I’m right aren’t I! You crashed into me because you were too busy dreaming about making love to see the stop sign.
Rusty: [still on the phone] I know, I love you too…and I am sorry. I’ll call you later tonight, this lady is starting to irritate me.
May: [hears sirens] FINALLY! Now we’ll get some answers.
[May moves out into the middle of the road to flag down the cops. Suddenly a black Ford Mustang peels around the corner followed closely behind by four police cruisers. The officers who were originally dispatched to the Rusty/May accident were called away to respond to a bank robbery. They were now in hot pursuit when they caught sight of May in the middle of the road. She tried to dive out of the way but it was too late, the Mustang clipped her and the second police cruiser on the left cleaned her out completely.]
Rusty: [snaps cell phone shut, with no explanation to his girlfriend, opens it again and dials 911 and runs into the road] OH MY GOD! I need an ambulance sent to the Old Industrial Area, 3rd Street! A police cruiser just hit this lady, she’s not moving! Please hurry!
[Rusty remained by May’s side with the police officer who hit her until the paramedics arrived]
May, 42, Soccer Mom
Rusty, 16, Hip Hop Wanabe
Scene: Two cars with their front bumper and grills smashed in (representing a fender bender). A traffic light blinking red (to show it’s not working properly). Scene opens, May and Rusty exit their respective vehicles from the driver side visibly flustered.
Rusty: [steps out of his moms Toyota 4Runner SUV, which he borrowed for the night] Ah man, check my ride!
May: [steps out of her Honda Odysseys Mini-Van, a pile of soccer balls fall out with her] Great! This is exactly what I needed!
Rusty: What was you thinking lady?! You banged up my whip!
May: [in a, matter-of-fact tone] ‘what were you thinking’
Rusty: What was I thinking?! You the one who hit me fool.
May: No, I was simply correcting…you know what, never mind! I did not hit you; I clearly had the right of way. You are the one who ignored the stop sign.
Rusty: [looks around] What damn stop sign? Ah, man…my moms going to bite my a** off.
May: [points towards a sign] That stop sign…you ran it and now my sole mode of transportation needs a new bumper.
Rusty: Just got my damned license, took me getting on my knees for my moms ta let me use her wheels…and now this! I’m never going to hear the end of it.
May: There is no definition in the English dictionary for ‘ta’ I believe the word you were looking for was ‘to’
Rusty: [mocking his mother] Rusty Larriens Jones, what were you thinking!?
May: [walks back to her Mini-Van] The first soccer game of the season and I am going to be late. I am going to miss my kids first goal all thanks to this.
Rusty: It wasn’t my fault mom! This crazy lady with a car full of soccer balls smashed right into me! [yelling] how could you see with that many soccer balls up in yo whip?!
May: [grabs a pad of paper from her glove compartment] I am a perfectly capable driver, thank you very much…and at the sake of sounding repetitive; ‘yo’ is not a word.
Rusty: I don’t think so grandma, I think they obstructed your vision…enough for you to bust the grill of my fly ride.
May: Your mothers ride…now give me our contact and insurance information.
Rusty: I don’t know nothing about insurance and you ain’t getting my phone number.
May: ‘aren’t’ and if you refuse to cooperate maybe we should get the police involved.
Rusty: Bring ‘em on! I’m sure they’d love to see all those balls bouncing up in that ride. They’ll know who’s in the right!
[Rusty slaps himself in the head]
Rusty: [flips open cell phone] Balls! My god, I forgot all about my girl! She’s probably sitting in front of the theater all by herself.
May: [flips open her own cell phone] Fine, if you insist. We’ll get the authorities involved.
Rusty: [talking on the phone] Hey babe, I’m sorry I don’t think I’ll be able to make it…no, no…no it’s not like that…no, this crazy lady just ran head on into me…I’m telling the truth!
May: [also on the phone] Hello, my name is May Bartlebizle and I was just in a car accident. Yes, we are currently a little ways off 3rd Street in the Old Industrial Area. Thank you.
Rusty: [still on the phone] I swear to god, I’m telling the truth.
May: [snaps phone shut] well they should be here in a few minutes, and you’ll get what’s coming to you.
Rusty: Babe, I was on my way and…why do you always have to be like that?!
May: Telling me it was my fault, you can’t even form a proper sentence and you think you’re the better driver…ha!
Rusty: Every time! Every damn time something goes slightly off schedule you throw a hissy fit! I’m trying to tell you that I was in a car accident and all you can do is give me grief. God!
May: My youngest boy, Joe, is probably scoring his first goal right now…and I’m not there to see it.
Rusty: Fine, if that’s what you want consider us through.
[Rusty hangs up his phone]
Rusty: [grumbling] I am finished with her, I could have died today and she just wants to b***h and moan. Oh, she’s going to call me back but when she does I don’t care how hard she begs I am not taking her and her whiney little a** back. Nope, we are so totally over.
May: You know I was supposed to bring snacks today! I had grapes and oranges all ready to go; now they are going to starve at halftime. All the other parents are going to speak ill of me, thank you very much.
Rusty: She does this every time, I swear to god we are through.
May: What is taking these cops so long? I guess a speedy response is a thing of the past.
Rusty: [cell phone ringing] you see, I knew it…probably just wants to chew my ear off some more.
May: I remember when you were able to call 911 and have an officer at your doorstep in less than four minutes. Now days you’re lucky if they show up at all.
Rusty: [answers his cell phone] what?
May: Of course I also remember a time where they only gave licenses to people who were qualified enough to operate a vehicle.
Rusty: [still on the phone] No baby, I’m sorry. It’s completely my fault. I shouldn’t have snapped at you, I know it must have been stressful being stranded there not knowing where I am.
May: The driving age should be raised, horney teenagers should not be allowed behind the wheel of a car. They completely ignore road signs…I think they’re day dreaming about sex…I’m right aren’t I! You crashed into me because you were too busy dreaming about making love to see the stop sign.
Rusty: [still on the phone] I know, I love you too…and I am sorry. I’ll call you later tonight, this lady is starting to irritate me.
May: [hears sirens] FINALLY! Now we’ll get some answers.
[May moves out into the middle of the road to flag down the cops. Suddenly a black Ford Mustang peels around the corner followed closely behind by four police cruisers. The officers who were originally dispatched to the Rusty/May accident were called away to respond to a bank robbery. They were now in hot pursuit when they caught sight of May in the middle of the road. She tried to dive out of the way but it was too late, the Mustang clipped her and the second police cruiser on the left cleaned her out completely.]
Rusty: [snaps cell phone shut, with no explanation to his girlfriend, opens it again and dials 911 and runs into the road] OH MY GOD! I need an ambulance sent to the Old Industrial Area, 3rd Street! A police cruiser just hit this lady, she’s not moving! Please hurry!
[Rusty remained by May’s side with the police officer who hit her until the paramedics arrived]
--------------------
I don't know if this would go here, but I consider this place pretty much the writers forum. Anyway, this is something I'm writing for my creative writing class. The assignment was to write a one scene performance piece involving conflict. The professor also wanted a 'shocking' ending so I gave him a random one.
Now, this is an extreme rough draft. No love went into the writing of this Performance, none what-so-ever. I wrote it up quickly about ten minutes ago simply to make the workshop deadline tomorrow morning.
Even though it's the extreme rough draft rip this s**t to shreds. Tell me what you like about it, what I should drop, what I should add, ect. The grammar and stuff I know about and I'll clean it up a little later (of course leaving some errors in place for the part of Rusty) but all other negative comments are much appreciated.
Sure, I could just take the opinions of the peeps in my writers workshop...but everyone in that class are friends, and they are all too chicken s**t to tell people when there work is absolute garbage. If I would judge my crap based on some of the reviews I've gotten from them...I'd be a rich published author outselling Harry Potter and the Bible.
Quote:
Characters
May, 42, Soccer Mom
Rusty, 16, Hip Hop Wanabe
Scene: Two cars with their front bumper and grills smashed in (representing a fender bender). A traffic light blinking red (to show it’s not working properly). Scene opens, May and Rusty exit their respective vehicles from the driver side visibly flustered.
Rusty: [steps out of his moms Toyota 4Runner SUV, which he borrowed for the night] Ah man, check my ride!
May: [steps out of her Honda Odysseys Mini-Van, a pile of soccer balls fall out with her] Great! This is exactly what I needed!
Rusty: What was you thinking lady?! You banged up my whip!
May: [in a, matter-of-fact tone] ‘what were you thinking’
Rusty: What was I thinking?! You the one who hit me fool.
May: No, I was simply correcting…you know what, never mind! I did not hit you; I clearly had the right of way. You are the one who ignored the stop sign.
Rusty: [looks around] What damn stop sign? Ah, man…my moms going to bite my a** off.
May: [points towards a sign] That stop sign…you ran it and now my sole mode of transportation needs a new bumper.
Rusty: Just got my damned license, took me getting on my knees for my moms ta let me use her wheels…and now this! I’m never going to hear the end of it.
May: There is no definition in the English dictionary for ‘ta’ I believe the word you were looking for was ‘to’
Rusty: [mocking his mother] Rusty Larriens Jones, what were you thinking!?
May: [walks back to her Mini-Van] The first soccer game of the season and I am going to be late. I am going to miss my kids first goal all thanks to this.
Rusty: It wasn’t my fault mom! This crazy lady with a car full of soccer balls smashed right into me! [yelling] how could you see with that many soccer balls up in yo whip?!
May: [grabs a pad of paper from her glove compartment] I am a perfectly capable driver, thank you very much…and at the sake of sounding repetitive; ‘yo’ is not a word.
Rusty: I don’t think so grandma, I think they obstructed your vision…enough for you to bust the grill of my fly ride.
May: Your mothers ride…now give me our contact and insurance information.
Rusty: I don’t know nothing about insurance and you ain’t getting my phone number.
May: ‘aren’t’ and if you refuse to cooperate maybe we should get the police involved.
Rusty: Bring ‘em on! I’m sure they’d love to see all those balls bouncing up in that ride. They’ll know who’s in the right!
[Rusty slaps himself in the head]
Rusty: [flips open cell phone] Balls! My god, I forgot all about my girl! She’s probably sitting in front of the theater all by herself.
May: [flips open her own cell phone] Fine, if you insist. We’ll get the authorities involved.
Rusty: [talking on the phone] Hey babe, I’m sorry I don’t think I’ll be able to make it…no, no…no it’s not like that…no, this crazy lady just ran head on into me…I’m telling the truth!
May: [also on the phone] Hello, my name is May Bartlebizle and I was just in a car accident. Yes, we are currently a little ways off 3rd Street in the Old Industrial Area. Thank you.
Rusty: [still on the phone] I swear to god, I’m telling the truth.
May: [snaps phone shut] well they should be here in a few minutes, and you’ll get what’s coming to you.
Rusty: Babe, I was on my way and…why do you always have to be like that?!
May: Telling me it was my fault, you can’t even form a proper sentence and you think you’re the better driver…ha!
Rusty: Every time! Every damn time something goes slightly off schedule you throw a hissy fit! I’m trying to tell you that I was in a car accident and all you can do is give me grief. God!
May: My youngest boy, Joe, is probably scoring his first goal right now…and I’m not there to see it.
Rusty: Fine, if that’s what you want consider us through.
[Rusty hangs up his phone]
Rusty: [grumbling] I am finished with her, I could have died today and she just wants to b***h and moan. Oh, she’s going to call me back but when she does I don’t care how hard she begs I am not taking her and her whiney little a** back. Nope, we are so totally over.
May: You know I was suppose to bring snacks today! I had grapes and oranges all ready to go; now they are going to starve at halftime. All the other parents are going to speak ill of me, thank you very much.
Rusty: She does this every time, I swear to god we are through.
May: What is taking these cops so long? I guess a speedy response is a thing of the past.
Rusty: [cell phone ringing] you see, I knew it…probably just wants to chew my ear off some more.
May: I remember when you were able to call 911 and have an officer at your doorstep in less than four minutes. Now days you’re lucky if they show up at all.
Rusty: [answers his cell phone] what?
May: Of course I also remember a time where they only gave licenses to people who were qualified enough to operate a vehicle.
Rusty: No baby, I’m sorry. It’s completely my fault. I shouldn’t have snapped at you, I know it must have been stressful being stranded there not knowing where I am.
May: The driving age should be raised, horney teenagers should not be allowed behind the wheel of a car. They completely ignore road signs…I think they’re day dreaming about sex…I’m right aren’t I! You crashed into me because you were too busy dreaming about making love to see the stop sign.
Rusty: I know, I love you too…and I am sorry. I’ll call you later tonight, this lady is starting to irritate me.
May: [hears sirens] FINALLY! Now we’ll get some answers.
[May moves out into the middle of the road to flag down the cops. Suddenly a black Ford Mustang peels around the corner followed closely behind by four police cruisers. The officers who were originally dispatched to the Rusty/May accident were called away to respond to a bank robbery. They were now in hot pursuit when they caught sight of May in the middle of the road. She tried to dive out of the way but it was too late, the Mustang clipped her and the second police cruiser on the left cleaned her out completely.]
Rusty: Ah, snap
May, 42, Soccer Mom
Rusty, 16, Hip Hop Wanabe
Scene: Two cars with their front bumper and grills smashed in (representing a fender bender). A traffic light blinking red (to show it’s not working properly). Scene opens, May and Rusty exit their respective vehicles from the driver side visibly flustered.
Rusty: [steps out of his moms Toyota 4Runner SUV, which he borrowed for the night] Ah man, check my ride!
May: [steps out of her Honda Odysseys Mini-Van, a pile of soccer balls fall out with her] Great! This is exactly what I needed!
Rusty: What was you thinking lady?! You banged up my whip!
May: [in a, matter-of-fact tone] ‘what were you thinking’
Rusty: What was I thinking?! You the one who hit me fool.
May: No, I was simply correcting…you know what, never mind! I did not hit you; I clearly had the right of way. You are the one who ignored the stop sign.
Rusty: [looks around] What damn stop sign? Ah, man…my moms going to bite my a** off.
May: [points towards a sign] That stop sign…you ran it and now my sole mode of transportation needs a new bumper.
Rusty: Just got my damned license, took me getting on my knees for my moms ta let me use her wheels…and now this! I’m never going to hear the end of it.
May: There is no definition in the English dictionary for ‘ta’ I believe the word you were looking for was ‘to’
Rusty: [mocking his mother] Rusty Larriens Jones, what were you thinking!?
May: [walks back to her Mini-Van] The first soccer game of the season and I am going to be late. I am going to miss my kids first goal all thanks to this.
Rusty: It wasn’t my fault mom! This crazy lady with a car full of soccer balls smashed right into me! [yelling] how could you see with that many soccer balls up in yo whip?!
May: [grabs a pad of paper from her glove compartment] I am a perfectly capable driver, thank you very much…and at the sake of sounding repetitive; ‘yo’ is not a word.
Rusty: I don’t think so grandma, I think they obstructed your vision…enough for you to bust the grill of my fly ride.
May: Your mothers ride…now give me our contact and insurance information.
Rusty: I don’t know nothing about insurance and you ain’t getting my phone number.
May: ‘aren’t’ and if you refuse to cooperate maybe we should get the police involved.
Rusty: Bring ‘em on! I’m sure they’d love to see all those balls bouncing up in that ride. They’ll know who’s in the right!
[Rusty slaps himself in the head]
Rusty: [flips open cell phone] Balls! My god, I forgot all about my girl! She’s probably sitting in front of the theater all by herself.
May: [flips open her own cell phone] Fine, if you insist. We’ll get the authorities involved.
Rusty: [talking on the phone] Hey babe, I’m sorry I don’t think I’ll be able to make it…no, no…no it’s not like that…no, this crazy lady just ran head on into me…I’m telling the truth!
May: [also on the phone] Hello, my name is May Bartlebizle and I was just in a car accident. Yes, we are currently a little ways off 3rd Street in the Old Industrial Area. Thank you.
Rusty: [still on the phone] I swear to god, I’m telling the truth.
May: [snaps phone shut] well they should be here in a few minutes, and you’ll get what’s coming to you.
Rusty: Babe, I was on my way and…why do you always have to be like that?!
May: Telling me it was my fault, you can’t even form a proper sentence and you think you’re the better driver…ha!
Rusty: Every time! Every damn time something goes slightly off schedule you throw a hissy fit! I’m trying to tell you that I was in a car accident and all you can do is give me grief. God!
May: My youngest boy, Joe, is probably scoring his first goal right now…and I’m not there to see it.
Rusty: Fine, if that’s what you want consider us through.
[Rusty hangs up his phone]
Rusty: [grumbling] I am finished with her, I could have died today and she just wants to b***h and moan. Oh, she’s going to call me back but when she does I don’t care how hard she begs I am not taking her and her whiney little a** back. Nope, we are so totally over.
May: You know I was suppose to bring snacks today! I had grapes and oranges all ready to go; now they are going to starve at halftime. All the other parents are going to speak ill of me, thank you very much.
Rusty: She does this every time, I swear to god we are through.
May: What is taking these cops so long? I guess a speedy response is a thing of the past.
Rusty: [cell phone ringing] you see, I knew it…probably just wants to chew my ear off some more.
May: I remember when you were able to call 911 and have an officer at your doorstep in less than four minutes. Now days you’re lucky if they show up at all.
Rusty: [answers his cell phone] what?
May: Of course I also remember a time where they only gave licenses to people who were qualified enough to operate a vehicle.
Rusty: No baby, I’m sorry. It’s completely my fault. I shouldn’t have snapped at you, I know it must have been stressful being stranded there not knowing where I am.
May: The driving age should be raised, horney teenagers should not be allowed behind the wheel of a car. They completely ignore road signs…I think they’re day dreaming about sex…I’m right aren’t I! You crashed into me because you were too busy dreaming about making love to see the stop sign.
Rusty: I know, I love you too…and I am sorry. I’ll call you later tonight, this lady is starting to irritate me.
May: [hears sirens] FINALLY! Now we’ll get some answers.
[May moves out into the middle of the road to flag down the cops. Suddenly a black Ford Mustang peels around the corner followed closely behind by four police cruisers. The officers who were originally dispatched to the Rusty/May accident were called away to respond to a bank robbery. They were now in hot pursuit when they caught sight of May in the middle of the road. She tried to dive out of the way but it was too late, the Mustang clipped her and the second police cruiser on the left cleaned her out completely.]
Rusty: Ah, snap
Eh, just re-reading it here I'm unhappy with it. Oh well, it's enough to get me credit in the morning.
