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I have found the fatal flaw in newborn writers.

You see, I go through and read a good portion of the newbie's stuff, and I see a sort of pattern--it's mostly that it's the first draft of the story, if it's even that, but there's something else. And slowly, I start to see it in other books too...books that feel stiff, lifeless, full of action, adventure, and romance but with no heart in it all the same...and I found what it was.

Mustard.

Look. If I go to any one of you novel-writers, or even you short-story writers, anything with a continuous character, (Hawk's Brian-and-spike, Reese's tragic-heroine, my Kamile-and-Everan, Tak's passive narrorator), I want them to be real people. Whether they're human, elfin, or a scrump (see Princess Mononoke the movie) I want them to have likes, dislikes, quirks, faults--a personality, in short.

There's always the stereotypes as far as elves, dwarves, etc. are concerned. Elves always have to be magical, graceful, pale-skinned, pointy-eared, beautiful, with smooth speech and immortality and infinite wisdom. They always have bows, or maybe swords. Dwarves are stolid, silent, tough, short, stocky, miners, warriors. They always have axes or broadswords. Centaurs and their future-telling and their bows, fairies and their tininess and their wings, merpeople and their singing, et cetera, et cetera, et frikkin cetera.

Now, I can't say I've avoided all the stereotypes, but I can safely say that my elves, at least, have personality. (Actually, in my book the humans are the ones that are considered abnormal...but nevermind.) Elves, dwarves, merpeople, centaurs, whatever, they're people! They have personalities! Not all of them can be swordsmen, archers, silent, pale, whatever. Intelligence has nothing to do with race. Every person is different--their race just classifies their anatomy (like pointed ears maybe), their culture, and whatever else you can think of.

We must remember also that there are in our world the blacks and the whites, but the whites are never WHITE, and the blacks are never BLACK. We're all every color in between. And some blacks are gangsters, and some are senators--and the same goes for whites as well.

If your elves are all the same, all intelligent and beautiful and wise and standoffish and haughty, that is blatant racism. Stoppit.

And aside from that, there's specific characters themselves. I can see that a lot of writers don't care about anyone but the main characters, but really, anyone that you bother to give a name to is important. Their name gives them personality. So I want you to be aware of that personality, and show it, be aware of it as you write about them. Even if they only dip in and out. If I ask you whether any named character likes mustard, then goddammit, you better know, and you better tell me!

I could tell you anything about my two main characters--I can tell you which is tone-deaf (Kamile), which is afraid of heights (Everan), which is a total coward (Everan, sorta, Kamile, sorta another way), which is the bloodthirsty murderer (neither--Kamile's bloodthirsty, Everan's a murderer) and which faints at the sight of blood (Everan, only not really fainting). And I can tell you right now that Everan likes mustard, Kamile could do without. So there. And Kamile also likes tea, and chocolate, and she hates carrots but loves potatoes, and she's ambidexterous--see where I'm going with all of this?

And they're also elves. See? No racism here. They're pointy-eared vegetarians who love trees, but that's as far as it goes, really.

Also, bad people are not stupid. Nor are they completely heartless (although they can be.) They have to have some good in them, or they wouldn't be people. And good guys aren't perfect. They can be completely retarded, or can't sing, or can't walk in a straight line, whatever. No hero is really perfect.

So make a list, who likes mustard and who doesn't, and tell me--I wanna know. And quit being so goddamned racist, fantasy writers!

Thank you, and goodnight.

~Your friendly neighborhood screw-up, Kirby II.

Goddamn right! ^^

I know mine better than I know myself. But I alwasy find it unusual when other people don't, or don't care--and why aren't characters allowed to have depth? why do they have to be exactly like someone else?

Confuzzled is Kirby-chan. :/

PS: Personality tests? Link for Kirby-chan? Is it any good?

Actaully, I've been really wanting to get to know my own characters better, and this made me want to know even more of them. Lately, I realized that I know nothing about them, only the really major events that have changed their lives. But you're right. Which ones really do like mustard?

For me, I usally ask myself nowadays, 'Are they a righty? Or a lefty?'

I want to be able to understand them all, and though it gets so annoying sometimes, not being able to figure it out. You don't really need to at times, becuase they themselves can figure it out, just put yourselves in their shoes!

This has made me realize that there's even more information that I must ask my own characters and keep track of. And I thank you for that, because if one does not truly understand nor know their characters, or as some people think of them, their children, it'll hurt you later and them too.

And I'll make that list too! Though, you'll not know of all of the characters, except of Ark and kra, I think, I'll still show it to you! Just you wait! I promise you this!

Edit: Also, a lovely peice of your writting, Kirby. 3nodding