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Poem... advise??

CottonCandieGirl

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Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 1:19 am

Orchids

Goodnight what once was the moon in the sky; no need to feel sad when saying goodbye. I know the stars well tonight and forever, do not shed any tears not now or ever. The stars reflect off the water in awe like little white diamonds all shiny and raw. I want you to remember me but not what you could see just the inner heart that never tore us apart from me just being me. Just promise me orchids and sit with me; I will never be tamed but wild like the sea. Orchids have shown me the way through life; it’s like breaking through fog soo deep you must cut with a knife. Sure, roses are red and violets are blue but are those the only flowers that mean I love you? So I say to you as the roses fade, my friend do not forget our friendship we made. When the violets are turned to dust, just remember, remembering is a must. You are me and I am you, just sit with me as the mourning doves coo. As the final tide escapes to the ocean, know now that my souls is in motion. As my last sunset sets over the bay, why is this so beautiful when we cry for judgment day? Just visit me often and tell me your day because I will always be listening; out on the waves of the bay.

Just promise me Orchids… cry

Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 2:48 pm

things like rhyme and meter are of short supply these days but poems are still easier to read when write in lines and not paragraphs. Prose are writen in paragraphs and you meter suggests that this is not meant to be a prose. I have rearranged for easier reading.

CottonCandieGirl

Orchids

Goodnight what once was the moon in the sky;
no need to feel sad when saying goodbye.
I know the stars well tonight and forever,
do not shed any tears not now or ever.
The stars reflect off the water in awe
like little white diamonds all shiny and raw.
I want you to remember me but not what you could see
just the inner heart that never tore us apart from me just being me.

Just promise me orchids and sit with me;
I will never be tamed but wild like the sea.
Orchids have shown me the way through life;
it’s like breaking through fog soo deep you must cut with a knife.
Sure, roses are red and violets are blue
but are those the only flowers that mean I love you?
So I say to you as the roses fade,
my friend do not forget our friendship we made.
When the violets are turned to dust,
just remember, remembering is a must.
You are me and I am you,
just sit with me as the mourning doves coo.
As the final tide escapes to the ocean,
know now that my souls is in motion.
As my last sunset sets over the bay,
why is this so beautiful when we cry for judgment day?
Just visit me often and tell me your day
because I will always be listening; out on the waves of the bay.

Just promise me Orchids… cry

I did not break up the verses because I really can't tell all the breaks. I liked your use of Mourning. I mean it is really well writen, but the lining of a poem helps put the rhyme and flow of a poem into perspective. Readers are lazy especially in this day and age.