Welcome to Gaia! ::

... brought to you by W99Q (we don't know what it means either. Get used to it).

- Congress approves use of attack monkey
- Injustice Center opens in Washington, DC
- Woman asks man: "Do you know what a turkey sandwich is? Would you like me to do that to you?" He cries
- Nature ripped a new one by corporations, public cries one lone teardrop
- Baby's First Crackpipe banned from local nursery
- b*****d reclassified as a*****e
- Mysterious animal discovered
- Scientists blame clear-cutting for increase in freakish animals coming out at night
- Military-sized napkin used to cover up problems
- Polar ice caps sponsored by Coca Cola to cool down global beverage
- Failed mystery writer dies of un-mysterious suicide
- Government accountability at an all-time low
- Mountains to be leveled for a smoother, younger looking planet
- New study suggests that plastic surgery gives your cell phone brain cancer
- Nun sees vision of mushroom cloud in bowl of chili beans
- Courts to rule on legality of number and letter union
- Tiger found trapped in well
- Little boy still missing
- Impregnated goat gives birth to a notion
- Notion irritates nation
- Societal rug pulled out from under nation's mental feet with metaphorical union
- Beauty called into question as colors of rainbow battle with each other
- Sexy dog calendar tops calendar charts for third month in a row
- News ticker loses control, flies off screen, hurts family pet
- World's most beloved largest donkey goes to world's smallest department store
- Mexico chooses flavor of the month: oppression
- Cannibal outclassed again
- Wolf torn apart by metaphorical wolf
- Nation's saving grace saved in a bedpan
- War heralded as triumph for the unlikely
- Diversity training turns into bloody brawl
- MC Blood Clot dies of irony
- Hick drowns in scalding pool of own disapproval

And that's the news. Go back to sleep.

What do you mean poor tiger? Poor CELL PHOANS LULZ!

Breaking News:

I just remembered that we named you Bambi, Lach!