Claudia Jean CreggThe West Wing
"There are only fifty people in the world who can't understand why I lied this morning, and they all work in the White House press room. I'm sleeping fine tonight."
Sam: CJ, we've been working on this commerce bill for three weeks, I hear you talk about the census all the time.
C.J.: Yeah. Yeah...
Sam: Well... I don't understand. How could you-
C.J.: I've been faking it.
Sam: You've been faking it?
C.J.: I've been playing it fast and loose there's no doubt about it, but sitting in on some of the meetings we've been having, and reading the briefing book last night, I have to say that the census is starting to sound to me like it's, well, important.
Sam: Ah-hah.
C.J.: And, I've come to the realization that if I'm gonna be talking about it all week, it's probably best that I understand what I'm saying.
Sam: When?
C.J.: When what?
Sam: When did you come to this realization?
C.J.: About an hour ago.
"I'm The Enforcer, Sam. I'm going to crush him, I'm going to make him cry - and then I'm gonna tell his mama about it."
C.J.: Close the door.
Will: I didn't do it.
C.J.: Close the door.
Will: Toby did it.
C.J.: Shut up!
Will: [closes the door] Gonna talk now? [silence] Seriously. I don't react well to this... It's like staring at a dog.
C.J.: I think Doug Weston is having an affair with his nanny.
Wil: Geez! I don't wanna know that! Why did you tell me that?
C.J.: Because you deal with the press and I don't want you to get blind sided.
Will: Exactly! I work with the press. I do my best work when I'm the least informed person in the room. You taught me that.
C.J.: Suck it up.
"I wanna do my job. I wanna suck every morsel of meat off this experience before it's over."
Cordelia ChaseBuffy the Vampire Slayer / Angel
"You're a lot smarter than you look. Of course, you look like a retard."
Cordelia: Why is it always virgin women who have to do the sacrificing?
Wesley: For purity, I suppose.
Cordelia: This has nothing to do with purity. This is all about dominance, buddy. You can bet if someone ordered a male body part for religious sacrifice, the world would be atheist [snaps] - like that.
"Who does shallow better then me?"
Giles: Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?
Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.
"I'm not a sniveling, whiny, little cry-Buffy. I'm the nastiest girl in Sunnydale history. I take crap from no one!"
Veronica MarsVeronica Mars
"Next time remember: Lift drunk combative bail jumpers with your legs, not your back."
Veronica: I just wanna congratulate you, shake your hand. Congratulations, you've been named World's Biggest Cockroach! This award is given in recognition of your unparalleled lack of humanity. Bravo. You're going to die friendless and alone.
Lenny: Everyone knows you're -
Veronica: Shut up! If I want you to speak, I'll wave a snausage over your nose. If you ever use Mandy again to try to convince yourself you're not a loser, I will ruin your life! Got it? You got it?
Lenny Sopher: Okay, jeez.
Mandy: I c-can't believe you did that.
Veronica: I can't believe you didn't.
"So, this is sneaking? I've got a pantomine-horse disguise you could use. Do either of you have any experience being a horse's a**?"
Veronica: Hey, Cassidy. Who's Amber?
Beaver: I have no idea.
Veronica: They keyed the wrong car? How's Amber gonna know that she's a b***h?
"This face? Right here? My over-the-moon face."
Aeryn SunFarscape
"Now, don't feel bad. It's not you; it's me. I don't like you."
Crichton: H-hey, that's my underwear!
Aeryn: [Pulls boxer strap and lifts up tag] What does this say?
Crichton: Calvin.
Aeryn: Well, they're not yours.
"You know, we Peacekeepers think that we are so remarkable. Soldiers without equal. Precise tacticians. Pure bloods. But, I've realized, we're not remarkable. We do nothing for love. Not one thing."
Crichton: All right, be careful.
Aeryn: I'm pregnant, not incapacitated, John.
"Was it easy to be a hero? Leave me behind?"
Elizabeth Lemon30 Rock
"I want to go to there."
Liz: [Singing while eating cheese] Working on my night cheese. [knock at the door] Uhh, Jack! Do you know what time it is, I was sound asleep.
Jack: I heard you singing night cheese - Lemon I've had a crazy night. We all could learn a lot from Tracy Jordan. We went out clubbing, his life is like Enron 1999. It's wild.
Elisa: [Sneaks in] I'm sure it was!
Liz: How are you so quiet when your parades are so loud!?
"I can't wear contacts because the doctors say my eyeballs are too pointy."
Jack: You are truly the Picasso of loneliness.
Liz:
Or I am that painting elephant of being awesome?
"I'm really sorry about what I did. And I know you can't forgive me but just to even things out, here is all my weird secret stuff. I have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went to clown college. I get super nervous whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner because when I was a kid, my mom used to turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and my dad fighting. Which is why I rarely vacuum my apartment. Like, never. I have had three doughnuts so far today. Once in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a country steaks all you can eat buffet and I didn't leave until I finished my second plate of shrimp. A couple months ago, I went on a date with my cousin. Wow, I am a mess. There is an 80% chance that in the next election I will tell all my friends that I'm voting for Barack Obama but I will secretly vote for John McCain. Here's one: when I was a kid, I used to put on my fanciest nightgown and then I would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne glass and I would sit in the dark and watch The Love Boat. Consequently, I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher from The Love Boat. And I lied. I have had five doughnuts today."
Dana ScullyThe X-Files
"What do you mean you want me to do another autopsy?! And why do we have to do it right now? I've just spent hours on my feet doing an autopsy, all for you. I do it all for you, Mulder. You know I haven't eaten since six o'clock this morning and all that was was half of a cream cheese bagel. And it wasn't even real cream cheese it was light cream cheese. And now you want me to run off and do another autopsy? … What the
hell happened to you?"
Scully: Do I detect a hint of negativity?
Mulder: No! - Yes, actually... Yeah.
Scully: Mulder you need to keep warm. Your body's still in shock.
Mulder: I was told once that the best way to regenerate body heat was to crawl naked into a sleeping bag with somebody else who's already naked.
Scully: Maybe if it rains sleeping bags you'll get lucky.
"I've come so far in my life on simple faith, and now when I need it the most I just push it away. I mean, w-why ... Why do I wear this? Why do I wear this, Mom? I put something that I don't even know or understand under the skin of my neck. I will subject myself to these crazy treatments, and I keep telling myself that I'm doing everything I can, but it's a lie!"
Mulder: Hell, maybe you don't know what you're looking for.
Scully: Like evidence of conjuring or the black arts or... shamanism, divination, Wicca or any kind of pagan or neo-pagan practice. Charms, cards, familiars, blood stones or hex signs or any of the ritual tableau associated with the occult, sensory, abudan, mukamba or any kind of high or low magic.
Mulder: Scully?
Scully: Yes?
Mulder: Marry me.
Scully: I was hoping for something a little more helpful.
"Shut up, Mulder."
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