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OOH!!!!! I WANT TO SEE THE CHURCH ONE NOW! I have to make a list of all the things I want to bug people about. Speaking of which,

VOTE FOR THE CHALLENGE IF OYU HAVEN'T ALREADY, DENTISTS! We only have 6 firetrucking votes!

If you'd read Mates, Dates and Sleepover Secrets, you'd get it. Anyway, Firetruck and Dentist are my replacement swearwords.

Time Unturned- I've been meaning to post a reply to this story for a while now and finally I have the time. (I just re-read it so it's fresh in my mind as well) Sorry if I'm too nit-picky... it's just the way I am. The opening lines bother me. They are short, choppy, and while I think you meant for them to set the mood I think they fail. You tell the entire battle story like a flash back but never tie in the beginning bit again which makes it not work. Also, I can't seem to make up my mind if I like your descriptions or not. Some of them are awesome (like the trees sucking up sunlight description) while at other times you don't describe anything at all and instead just make a silly list. You do this especially much with characters. Rei in particular. It was like reading a resume or something, not about a story character. You did a lot of telling with the overall set up of the town and "mad" guy running it. Take your time, really describe things... it felt like reading an encyclopedia about the place sometimes. But onto things that I think you did well on: The battle scene was well done even if there were some sentance fragments that made it overkill because you didn't get too involved in it or describe in great detail every move Yowaki made. And then the names. Usually I like to avoid oriental-sounding names in stories but they didn't bother me too much in this because all of the characters had them, not just a few random ones because "they sound cool". Also, kudoos to you for having guns in the story.

*blushing at Navenna's criticisms* Yeah, that makes sence. I don't like the beginning all that much, but I'm not sure how to change it. This one got plenty of criticism already. Wow. But, that's ok. It was one of the first things I wrote seriously (First piece in my creative writing class as well). Thank you. biggrin

As for you, Tenda, there's two things I must say. 3nodding
1. if I wrote that part of the story you're talking about, you'd have it, trust me.

2. I have no fear about religion here, I just think it would upset Fruits Basket fans. The entire story in general. xp

3. I don't think I'm going to finish that one, so I'm wary of posting it. I dunno....

Sorry, didn't mean to make you blush. If you're looking for a way to fix the beginning it might work better to chance the description into the same tense as the rest of the story. From there you could have someone make a small hwispered prayer that mad-overlord-person doesn't come and find them. Have said whisperer shushed and then tell about the villiage/overlord/etc. trhough a P.O.V. thought process. Example:

"Gods, don't let us be caught..." One of the fleeing reguees muttered quietly. He was quickly silenced as the group continued onward into the forest.

Personally, Yowaki agreed. To be caught would mean returning to the town....

Then go off on your descriptions/tellings/whatever of the town, mad dictator, and them running away. Having a character think about this lets you have a bit more fun. You can add in opinions, specific memories from the person's life in the town... perhaps from when he was little and oversaw the Dictator when he had been out riding on the wasteland. The possibilities are endless. Just keep playing with it until you're happy with it.

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pirate Thanks Tenda! XD


This one's too short for my liking already. Those of you who want to know, I've given my poems titles now.

Poems: *squeaky alien voice* Thank youuuu.....

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