-When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.-

-The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.-

-Chuck Norris was originally considered for the part of Jesus in the Passion of the Christ. However, the director realized that Chuck Norris cannot show the emotion of pain. He can only inflict it-

-Chuck Norris turns on a night light when he goes to bed. It's not because he's scared of the dark - it's Because the dark is scared of him.-

-Darth Vader dresses up as Chuck Norris for Halloween. -

-When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, it breaks because it is smart enough to know not to get in the middle of Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris-

-A blind man bumped into Chuck Norris. The simple act of touching him cured the man's blindness. Unfortunately, the first and last thing the man saw was a fatal roundhouse kick to the face by Chuck Norris.-
-Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing-

-A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.-

-Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard.” Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.-

-Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack-

-There is no Life or Death, only Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicking you in the face.-

-Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.-

-Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*ck down.-

-Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.-

-There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.-

-Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.-

-The original name of the movie was Alien vs Predator vs Chuck Norris, but the producers realized that nobody would ever watch a movie that only lasted fourteen seconds.-

-Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield-

-After taking a steroids test, doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"-

-Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f*cuking Indian. -