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how do you like it? is it convinceing?

yes. 0.16666666666667 16.7% [ 2 ]
no. 0.83333333333333 83.3% [ 10 ]
Total Votes:[ 12 ]
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1

King Cutie-Pie

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Why am I superior?
Is it the way I talk? The way I walk?
No..
I think I am better than.. well.. a lot of people my age.
I use my brain,not my body, to get what I want.
I try to think things out first, I try to plan ahead.
I know some teenagers have no clue what they are going to do when they get older.
I do.
I will be an artist,living in a high rise in New York,New york.
I'm going to college. No questions asked.
How will I get there? I do not know.
But I have made up my mind. And so I will not stop until I attain my goal.
I don't think knowing is what makes me superior.
I think it is the fact I follow through.

King Cutie-Pie

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... hm hm hm. please give suggestions? comments? tips?
flames and trolls will be banned.
:3

King Cutie-Pie

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please! someone! comment to help me improve!

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good, but i would add something about you, cuz you undoubtable have more than just looks going for you right?

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Firstly, try not to bump here. This forum is completely and utterly slow. ^_^

You keep repeating how you're superior because you're unique, yet I don't get a sense of uniqueness out of you at all in this. You tell us you're unique and special and perfect but you take no steps to prove it.

You say you're unique like so: I am unique and you're not! Nyah!

Anyone could say that. What makes you unique?

Also, you're supposed to be talking about how you are superior. A lot of it was you talking about how we are not superior. Try to focus more on yourself and less on us, yanno?

This entire thing could be summed up in three words. I am superior. You don't give us a reason why. ):

And I could tell that you don't really believe what you're saying. You didn't have to tell me that. Maybe this would be better if you tried to convince yourself first. Sit down and think about what makes you unique, what makes you special and better.

It didn't convince me, and it didn't convince you.

King Cutie-Pie

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[.Raging Quiet.]
Firstly, try not to bump here. This forum is completely and utterly slow. ^_^

You keep repeating how you're superior because you're unique, yet I don't get a sense of uniqueness out of you at all in this. You tell us you're unique and special and perfect but you take no steps to prove it.

You say you're unique like so: I am unique and you're not! Nyah!

Anyone could say that. What makes you unique?

Also, you're supposed to be talking about how you are superior. A lot of it was you talking about how we are not superior. Try to focus more on yourself and less on us, yanno?

This entire thing could be summed up in three words. I am superior. You don't give us a reason why. ):

And I could tell that you don't really believe what you're saying. You didn't have to tell me that. Maybe this would be better if you tried to convince yourself first. Sit down and think about what makes you unique, what makes you special and better.

It didn't convince me, and it didn't convince you.

I rewrote it. Hopefully it is better now.

King Cutie-Pie

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no ones stopped in. this makes a sad teady bear....

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Try not to use 'a lot' so often. It is a phrase of many meanings. Other then that, I believe you are superior, but not as superior as most people who have written for this contest. Try kicking your writing up a notch [try a little harder] and you will most likely excel.

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Quote:
You keep repeating how you're superior because you're unique, yet I don't get a sense of uniqueness out of you at all in this. You tell us you're unique and special and perfect but you take no steps to prove it.

You say you're unique like so: I am unique and you're not! Nyah!

Anyone could say that. What makes you unique?

Also, you're supposed to be talking about how you are superior. A lot of it was you talking about how we are not superior. Try to focus more on yourself and less on us, yanno?


I agree, maybe you should be more specific....Hey read my book please, bump the post, and help me think of a title! Go here and please comment and read!

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When you say, "I am better..." it should be I am better than, not then.

You have two examples of uncertainty in your essay; one is good, one should be changed. Don't say you "try" to use your brain, because that implies to the reader that sometimes you end up not using your brain. The other example, where you mention that you do not know how you will get to college, was nicely countered with a statement of devotion to your goal. I liked that.

I also liked the overall structure of your entry. The way you separated your thoughts reminds me of poetry as well as my own journal (not blog) writing.

Hope my advice was of some help.

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It lacks substance. I really can't see from your point of view.
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