Another post before I go to sleep because I have just realized, your baby is all grown up. She turns/turned 18 this year. My heart just broke. I cant... My heart is so overwhelmed with sadness and yet I hope she is doing so well in life. I wish I could have been there to watch her grow up. I wish I could have been the angel she deserved to watch over her. My sweet sweet baby girl. I wish I could have talked to her about boys, and how stupid they are. I wish I could have helped her pick out her first hair dye. Time can go by so fast yet so slow. My she always be happy.
Another year, another day. I still think of you guys. All of you will always have a place in my heart. Even when I'm old and gray I will from time to time think, "I wonder how the old gang is doing." Knowing full well most of you will probably be long gone by the time I'm that old. Except Songbird. She'll still be young when I finally kick the bucket. I don't know why I keep posting updates about me on here. Maybe I'm hoping someone is reading this. Either Quinn or someone else in the group, or even strangers. Or just someone who can possibly give me an update on them you know. Im an adult now, I can take hearing that they are old creepy men, or what ever. Just a simple update would be nice.
I'm also not angry anymore. People grow up and things happen. Now as an adult I understand. I just hope I touched them as much as they touched me, that they think of me from time to time like I think of them. That's all I really honestly want to know. I get it, we were all young, (I assume) and it was about 15 years ago, but all of them were my closest friends.
But anyway, here is my yearly update. I'm still living with my boyfriend, who I had mentioned last year. I'm still working and I've been at the same place for almost 3 years. I have a doggo and she brings me joy every day. Im hopefully going to have a half sister in November. Last year I lost my other baby sister to SIDs so its been a rough year since. I haven't cought the rona so health wise I'm doing pretty good. Still have my kidney problems but I'm finally living with it not surviving with it. And I still write from time to time. Have never finished anything though. And that's really about it. Again as you grow up you start doing the same thing over and over again and it just kind of never stops. I wish you could experience this with me. I wish I knew how the others were handling this. Maybe one day I will know. I wish you great happiness in your afterlife and hope you are watching over all of us. Thank you for being my friend while you were here.
Hey, I know I haven’t written in a while. Life gets the better of you sometimes, but I still think about you guys all the time. I wonder how Songbird is doing all the time and miss you guys so much. I finally found a man that makes me happy and we live together. We’ve been together almost a year now but it feels longer than that. The last guy I was with, for 2 years, didn’t want the same things I wanted. I finally got the little sister I’ve always wanted but tragically she passed away 3 weeks after she was born. She and Songbird would have gotten along I feel. I also still have my kidney problem, but now that I’m living away from a parental unit my health has improved because I can eat and try the things I want instead of conforming to certain pallets. I really don’t have much to update on though, cause once you become a real adult you do the same thing day in and day out. I wish you could experience it with me. We’d be complaining to each other all the time. I miss you all though and wish everyone happiness. Catch you next time. Love ya.
Hey, Sorry I haven't checked in a while again, this time I've been busy trying to find a job, which I found, which is my local liquor store, and we've been looking for a new place to live, which we have done and this week got the last of our stuff in it. I live with my brother and my mom now, cause I can't afford a place of my own just yet. I only work part time and my credit sucks. I also started dating a really nice guy. He takes me out to do things and he likes spending time with me. I think half of it is for the tail but we do other things besides that. He goes to school in New Mexico right now so he comes up to visit when he can. He is getting his Masters in Geology. What you can do with that I have no idea, but I'm dating a rock specialist and I find that kinda funny. But I'm starting to fall for him and I really like where this is going so I don't want to push him away or cling to him. I never really realized how hard it was to get somewhere in the middle with those two things. He says once he gets his degree and after he finds a stable job that we will become more exclusive, which I really wish will happen because he's the best thing that has come across my path in a really long time.
I still think about you guys from time to time, always wondering what your little girl is up to lately. I think she is 14 or 15 now, I've lost track its been so long. I know interests and hobbies change as you get older so I'm always curious in what she finds interesting in the moment or within the year. I don't know if she is still learning how to ride horses, if she still wants to dye everyone's hair, or if she still has that huge dog that I can't remember his name. I also want to know if the twins still own that dojo, and what ever happened to Quin and the gang, I'm still curious if someone else died you know.
Well I better go. Talk you again about another year or so cause that seems to be my pattern. Tell my Grandma and Grandpa I say hi and that I miss them every day. (And I know typing to dead people is stupid but I always feel better after writing things out anyway.) Love you always.
Hey, sorry I haven't checked in in over a year. A lot of things have happened. I got a dialysis machine for home. That happened I think within this past year. I don't know I've been on it long enough to forget how long I've actually been doing that stuff. Let's see, I had a mental break last October, heard voices and saw like weird things. I thought time was repeating itself and I blamed God for it all. Like it was all his fault and he was toying with me because I've done bad things in the past. I ended up in a phyc ward for 3 months. I was there for my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and almost Christmas. I got out before then thankfully but with a bunch of new meds. I also got a job, I work at my local Walmart now. Yippy.
But what I'm really here to vent about tonight is about the gang again. Bain's cover has been blown by Eddy, so I know she has been getting on and off for about a month now, but she hasn't said one word to me, or to Mim. Both of us have cried over them the most, missed them the most, and god forbid, worried about them the most.
I know I don't do it constantly, but I've updated them the most, wished them happy birthday the most, and checked on their stuff the most. I don't know if that makes me a loon, or a crazy lady, or obsessed, but damn it, I miss them, we at least deserve an explanation. I want to know why she hasn't reached out. I want to know.
And if its to protect my bubbly butt, well guess what, I may be a squishy, but I'm a mean squishy and what Evert comes my way I can handle it. Guess what, hunters aren't that special. The hunted aren't that special either. I've seen maybe one terrifying thing, and that was V feeding. Everything after that was a cake walk.
I'm just angry that I think about them all the time, and when they are back, I hear nothing from them and it just shatters my heart all over again. I don't know how many more times I can handle that before I lose the will to care. But I will say it will take a long time before that happens.
I don't know if they read your page, I don't know if they even miss us as much as we miss them, what I do know in my heart is I will always forgive the pain they have caused, because I grew to love them, cherish them as part as my family, and no matter how many tears I shed, the heart renching dreams I have of them, I will always love them to my dying day, but eventually I either have to give up the past, or give up the future. I can't do both at the moment, because they were supposed to be with me for both.
I'm also mad because how come Eddy's so special? He didn't put in half the work I have and he still gets something while Mim and I don't get anything. Uncool and unfair.
Now I'm going to message your half sister and tell her what's on my mind.
Hey Luke, its been a while. I missed your baby's birthday and now I'm to the point where I can't remember how old she is. I still think she is this cute little girl when I know she is growing up to be a beautiful woman, and I bet that has everyone scared.
And I just miss the conversations I had with everyone, at least they didn't treat me like a child when I was a child. They saw my potential in being a grown up, and now that I am a grown up they are no where in sight. I just wish they could be here to understand what kind of influence they really had on me.
I miss you, Quin and Song the most. I miss you because you knew how to turn my frown upside down. Knew how to the night into day. You knew how to make me laugh. I miss Quin because he explained everything to me, he gave me reasons under the sun for things, and I saw him as a mentor. I miss Song just because she and I were supposed to cause mischief together. I don't know, I guess distance makes the heart grow fonder but damn it I miss all of them, and wished they'd come back.
So I was thinking to myself just a little while ago, "why do you update the dead guy in a social circle you don't consider yourself apart of anymore?" Then I think, "well, he would be the one to listen when no one else wouldn't, and… I don't know." To be honest Luke I think the only reason keep talking to you is for the hope that someone is reading out there and its not just prattlings of a lunitic talking to a dead man's page.
And I've been reading past posts, particularly the ones between V and I and I don't blame him for leaving. I missed so much of what he actually said and I made out to be a super clingy crazy adolescent. I'm still clingy and crazy, but I know how to react to certain things now and as I read on and on I go in the back of my head, "why girl? Why did you say that? There is so much more to do!!" I keep looking at it and in my heart I want a do over, cause maybe if redo my words maybe then he would have understood I would have gone anywhere for him, done anything for him. And that I understood he was different, but not a monster. He could have come home covered head to toe in blood and I'd still love him. I understood what I was getting into. But as I was I couldn't say that, so what happens? He doesn't understand what he means to me and just up and leaves.
But he wouldn't want me now, I'm damaged goods with my stroke and my stupid ******** kidneys. But I've also excepted the fact that he tossed me aside a long time ago and won't come back even though around this time of year I wish he'd come back. To not get together, but to talk. To see how he has been the last 6 years have been since he said goodbye.
But I will not bore you with boy talk anymore. I have decided what I am going to be career wise. I'm going to be an occupational therapist. I want to give back to the people I'm working with, I remember thinking the whole time that they don't understand because they don't know how hard it is, so I want to give that extra connection to them, show what working hard can do.
Happy Thanksgiving Luke. I'm thankful for the light that you gave me in my life, the advise you gave me about my faith, the fun we had with posts and conversations, and I'm so thankful for all the friends that have touched my life. I've told each and every one of them that I miss them, and it is true, because in my heart I will never stop missing them, but that doesn't mean I haven't moved on with my life. I just want them to know that I thought of them on Thanksgiving, and what I'm thankful they brought into my life. I get that sentence at the end makes no sense at the end but shush, I know I'm special. And I miss you, my friend. I wish you were here to tell me what was going on, to tell me if things were alright or bat s**t crazy right now. To share normal family stories with me as life progressed, but that will never happen and I just wish things were a little different is all. Well I better head out for now, I'll give you a real great big life update later on either this weekend or this next week.
Hey sweetie, still missing your company. Missing someone to talk to and to really help me through these times. Its not like I'm asking for someone to tell what is right from wrong, I'm just looking for someone to be understanding, and maybe have gone through something similar. But I keep finding the stern people or the carefree one. The stern people act like my parents and the carefree people are exactly that, carefree. I just want someone to listen again, to truly listen and to never judge me and to share life stories to help me through. I want someone like that right now. Cause I want to tell someone that I started to practice for sword swallowing, but I had a realization that I am on a muscle relaxer and if I continue, my esophagus my never work right again. I'm heart broken. I really wanted to do something exciting and amazing, but I can't because of my medical problems. I want to tell someone I'm in an affair with my best friend and even though things aren't working out, we refuse to let go of each other because right now we are the only ones who got each other's backs with crap. And I'm alright stating all this on this comment is because I don't care if people judge me, but I want a friend who doesn't so I can tell them everything.
I am also in debt I think... I owe the hospital at least 411 dollars so I need to get a job and pay that off. I need to fill out paper work for more insurance to help with it, I just don't like filling out things by hand, I rather fill it out on the computer because it is faster. But once I get that settled I am seriously thinking about moving out. But I have to get myself car ready and maybe a run down car. That way I can become Independent and such so my parents don't have to worry about me. I just looked up my credit score and it was a crap number, but better than most of my friends, and they can't get into places so I'm pondering if I can and its not a great ponder cause that is scary to me. What if something goes wrong while I'm out of the care of my parents? I don't know. But I have got to stop fearing it.
Now with that all out of the way, I do want to say that I miss you, truly I do. I miss your kindness and how you knew how to handle everything. Everything you did was cool and collected. I also miss the RPs we did. I miss the past really. I miss your healing ways. When you were around it was easier for me to see white from black, now I see grey without you here. I don't hear anything or see anything anymore and I'm lost. Its my fault but I'm saying that I miss you.
Hey, as we can see holidays have come and gone, and out of those holidays is the day you left this world to guide us another way to keep us safe. And I have no idea if anyone reads my updates on life cause they are so few and far between and even though I find them important to myself and it makes me feel better to talk to you, it would be nice to know someone read them. But anyway...
The reason I write to you tonight is because I've had 2 dreams that I have noticed Quin coming back. I feel like it is everyone with him as he comes back online, to let me know he is alright after 3 some odd years. But I also feel hostility between him and I and I have no idea what is going on. The first dream was just me seeing his name in my inbox. I remember feeling happy, furious at him, and relief. The second one was the same but I am able to open it and read it. I can't remember what he says to me but he makes it out to be my fault for something. As I think about it it could be for him coming back or for him leaving. I think the feeling is for him leaving though. And I go to reply and the only way I can think of doing it is raising a hand to him. Does that make it a horrible person Luke?
And I'm getting a tingling feeling about myself that could be totally wrong that could get me killed. But I feel like I should be out in the other world and challenge ranks, challenge others so I know where I stand. To get into their face and stare until they buckle and go to their knees. Challenge them to hurt me. If I act it will put me in the line of fire for an attack. If I went up to say like a member on the council, and they were having a bad day, they could snap an arm, break a leg. It could be bad. But I want to do it. To see where I stand within the ranks so I know I'm safe in some way. But I want the rush. I almost need it and I'm scared. With that I want to go to and hide for a long time until it goes away. But I know Quin can help me, at least tell me if I'm wrong and stupid, or right and should or should not act on it.
I just wish you could help me too. I would listen to you. I would listen to anybody from the group really with my problem. But I really want to talk to Quin. He just has a way to speak through his text and I can hear his voice through my head, even though I have no idea what he sounds like. He is the wisest out of them all in my opinion and I miss him. He was my guide when he was around and now I need him again and he is no where to be found. Typical of this group. Typical of men.
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I'm also not angry anymore. People grow up and things happen. Now as an adult I understand. I just hope I touched them as much as they touched me, that they think of me from time to time like I think of them. That's all I really honestly want to know. I get it, we were all young, (I assume) and it was about 15 years ago, but all of them were my closest friends.
But anyway, here is my yearly update. I'm still living with my boyfriend, who I had mentioned last year. I'm still working and I've been at the same place for almost 3 years. I have a doggo and she brings me joy every day. Im hopefully going to have a half sister in November. Last year I lost my other baby sister to SIDs so its been a rough year since. I haven't cought the rona so health wise I'm doing pretty good. Still have my kidney problems but I'm finally living with it not surviving with it. And I still write from time to time. Have never finished anything though. And that's really about it. Again as you grow up you start doing the same thing over and over again and it just kind of never stops. I wish you could experience this with me. I wish I knew how the others were handling this. Maybe one day I will know. I wish you great happiness in your afterlife and hope you are watching over all of us. Thank you for being my friend while you were here.
I still think about you guys from time to time, always wondering what your little girl is up to lately. I think she is 14 or 15 now, I've lost track its been so long. I know interests and hobbies change as you get older so I'm always curious in what she finds interesting in the moment or within the year. I don't know if she is still learning how to ride horses, if she still wants to dye everyone's hair, or if she still has that huge dog that I can't remember his name. I also want to know if the twins still own that dojo, and what ever happened to Quin and the gang, I'm still curious if someone else died you know.
Well I better go. Talk you again about another year or so cause that seems to be my pattern. Tell my Grandma and Grandpa I say hi and that I miss them every day. (And I know typing to dead people is stupid but I always feel better after writing things out anyway.) Love you always.
But what I'm really here to vent about tonight is about the gang again. Bain's cover has been blown by Eddy, so I know she has been getting on and off for about a month now, but she hasn't said one word to me, or to Mim. Both of us have cried over them the most, missed them the most, and god forbid, worried about them the most.
I know I don't do it constantly, but I've updated them the most, wished them happy birthday the most, and checked on their stuff the most. I don't know if that makes me a loon, or a crazy lady, or obsessed, but damn it, I miss them, we at least deserve an explanation. I want to know why she hasn't reached out. I want to know.
And if its to protect my bubbly butt, well guess what, I may be a squishy, but I'm a mean squishy and what Evert comes my way I can handle it. Guess what, hunters aren't that special. The hunted aren't that special either. I've seen maybe one terrifying thing, and that was V feeding. Everything after that was a cake walk.
I'm just angry that I think about them all the time, and when they are back, I hear nothing from them and it just shatters my heart all over again. I don't know how many more times I can handle that before I lose the will to care. But I will say it will take a long time before that happens.
I don't know if they read your page, I don't know if they even miss us as much as we miss them, what I do know in my heart is I will always forgive the pain they have caused, because I grew to love them, cherish them as part as my family, and no matter how many tears I shed, the heart renching dreams I have of them, I will always love them to my dying day, but eventually I either have to give up the past, or give up the future. I can't do both at the moment, because they were supposed to be with me for both.
I'm also mad because how come Eddy's so special? He didn't put in half the work I have and he still gets something while Mim and I don't get anything. Uncool and unfair.
Now I'm going to message your half sister and tell her what's on my mind.
And I just miss the conversations I had with everyone, at least they didn't treat me like a child when I was a child. They saw my potential in being a grown up, and now that I am a grown up they are no where in sight. I just wish they could be here to understand what kind of influence they really had on me.
I miss you, Quin and Song the most. I miss you because you knew how to turn my frown upside down. Knew how to the night into day. You knew how to make me laugh. I miss Quin because he explained everything to me, he gave me reasons under the sun for things, and I saw him as a mentor. I miss Song just because she and I were supposed to cause mischief together. I don't know, I guess distance makes the heart grow fonder but damn it I miss all of them, and wished they'd come back.
And I've been reading past posts, particularly the ones between V and I and I don't blame him for leaving. I missed so much of what he actually said and I made out to be a super clingy crazy adolescent. I'm still clingy and crazy, but I know how to react to certain things now and as I read on and on I go in the back of my head, "why girl? Why did you say that? There is so much more to do!!" I keep looking at it and in my heart I want a do over, cause maybe if redo my words maybe then he would have understood I would have gone anywhere for him, done anything for him. And that I understood he was different, but not a monster. He could have come home covered head to toe in blood and I'd still love him. I understood what I was getting into. But as I was I couldn't say that, so what happens? He doesn't understand what he means to me and just up and leaves.
But he wouldn't want me now, I'm damaged goods with my stroke and my stupid ******** kidneys. But I've also excepted the fact that he tossed me aside a long time ago and won't come back even though around this time of year I wish he'd come back. To not get together, but to talk. To see how he has been the last 6 years have been since he said goodbye.
But I will not bore you with boy talk anymore. I have decided what I am going to be career wise. I'm going to be an occupational therapist. I want to give back to the people I'm working with, I remember thinking the whole time that they don't understand because they don't know how hard it is, so I want to give that extra connection to them, show what working hard can do.
I am also in debt I think... I owe the hospital at least 411 dollars so I need to get a job and pay that off. I need to fill out paper work for more insurance to help with it, I just don't like filling out things by hand, I rather fill it out on the computer because it is faster. But once I get that settled I am seriously thinking about moving out. But I have to get myself car ready and maybe a run down car. That way I can become Independent and such so my parents don't have to worry about me. I just looked up my credit score and it was a crap number, but better than most of my friends, and they can't get into places so I'm pondering if I can and its not a great ponder cause that is scary to me. What if something goes wrong while I'm out of the care of my parents? I don't know. But I have got to stop fearing it.
Now with that all out of the way, I do want to say that I miss you, truly I do. I miss your kindness and how you knew how to handle everything. Everything you did was cool and collected. I also miss the RPs we did. I miss the past really. I miss your healing ways. When you were around it was easier for me to see white from black, now I see grey without you here. I don't hear anything or see anything anymore and I'm lost. Its my fault but I'm saying that I miss you.
The reason I write to you tonight is because I've had 2 dreams that I have noticed Quin coming back. I feel like it is everyone with him as he comes back online, to let me know he is alright after 3 some odd years. But I also feel hostility between him and I and I have no idea what is going on. The first dream was just me seeing his name in my inbox. I remember feeling happy, furious at him, and relief. The second one was the same but I am able to open it and read it. I can't remember what he says to me but he makes it out to be my fault for something. As I think about it it could be for him coming back or for him leaving. I think the feeling is for him leaving though. And I go to reply and the only way I can think of doing it is raising a hand to him. Does that make it a horrible person Luke?
And I'm getting a tingling feeling about myself that could be totally wrong that could get me killed. But I feel like I should be out in the other world and challenge ranks, challenge others so I know where I stand. To get into their face and stare until they buckle and go to their knees. Challenge them to hurt me. If I act it will put me in the line of fire for an attack. If I went up to say like a member on the council, and they were having a bad day, they could snap an arm, break a leg. It could be bad. But I want to do it. To see where I stand within the ranks so I know I'm safe in some way. But I want the rush. I almost need it and I'm scared. With that I want to go to and hide for a long time until it goes away. But I know Quin can help me, at least tell me if I'm wrong and stupid, or right and should or should not act on it.
I just wish you could help me too. I would listen to you. I would listen to anybody from the group really with my problem. But I really want to talk to Quin. He just has a way to speak through his text and I can hear his voice through my head, even though I have no idea what he sounds like. He is the wisest out of them all in my opinion and I miss him. He was my guide when he was around and now I need him again and he is no where to be found. Typical of this group. Typical of men.