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| Stinks or doesnt |
| stinky!!! |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| it's alright |
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50% |
[ 2 ] |
| B-E-A-U tiful |
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50% |
[ 2 ] |
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| Total Votes : 4 |
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 Posted: Mon Apr 02, 2007 4:20 pm
(( ok i'm going to write a poem if it stinks then i'm on a writers block, if it's good then i'm crazy))
She walks into the room
Hearing the the soft whispers of the moon
she seems him
And her lips begin to tremble
Her legs bring her forth
Continuing your lonely waltz
He doesn't notice her
And her soft velvet tears
The moon is telling her
That the morning is near
Her life falls out from beneath her
Nothing matters to her anymore
He was the one to keep her alive
But when she got the call
She could hold on no longer
Until she let go
Of all that she had left
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Posted: Mon Apr 02, 2007 4:22 pm
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Posted: Mon Apr 02, 2007 6:46 pm
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Posted: Mon Apr 02, 2007 9:20 pm
I like it but you have a tense change right there...."Continuing your lonely waltz" I would change "your" to "her" or "the" because your seems like u are talking about him and her then u just change it to one of them even though you know it's the girl. Don't take my advice if you dont' like it. confused And maybe you can be a little more detailed about the ending like what did she let go of or how she let go of or just explain what the call was about or something? Other then that I think it's very good!
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Posted: Tue Apr 03, 2007 12:33 pm
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Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 4:04 pm
No problems! Just making my suggestions here and there even though they arn't very good ones! biggrin
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Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 8:39 pm
I like it, the only changes i would make were covered by Mimiru218
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Posted: Sun Apr 15, 2007 9:43 am
i like it biggrin good job biggrin
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