Welcome to Gaia! ::

My testimony will probably be lengthy, but I will try to keep it as short as I can sweatdrop Here we go:


I grew up going to a Church of Christ for the first 20 years of my life. When I was a child, I liked going to church because I could see my friends and draw doodles in my notebook. When I grew older, I realized it was supposed to be about God, but wasn't exactly sure where to start.

I remember when I was about 13 years old, they started doing a youth study. I felt in my heart that I wanted to be born again after attending a few studies. I had decided that I wanted to be baptized.

I remember talking to one of the elder's of the church, the main person that started that church and they were asking me about baptism, making sure my heart was in the right place kind of deal. He told me that the water would be cold if I wanted to be batpized that afternoon during the youth study because to get the warm water going took about 4 hours to make sure the entire baptismal tank was warm. I said it didn't matter to me.

I remember putting a white gown thing they had over my clothes and walking into the water after we had sang some hymns while the tank was filling up. I had my father baptize me. I remember stepping in that water and it was sooooo cold! I mean like, I was shivering. I tried to hard to keep my teeth from chattering, but I so did want to be there.

My father asked me, "Do you believe that Jesus Christ is the only son of the living God?" and I said, "Yes, I do." and he helped me hold the rag over my nose as he immersed me in the freezing water and brought me back up. Still super cold, but suddenly it mattered even less than it did before. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. The way it describes the baptism of Jesus in The Holy Bible - there really are no better words!

I got out of there and my mom had a change of clothes for me in the side room. I gladly changed and got warmed up and the feeling of peace and joy that I had inside me was immense. The experience was wonderful and following Jesus was the best decision I have ever made.

Fast forward a few years to my freshman year of high school and my medical issues got so much worse. I ended up on medications to try to stop it all from happening. I had a seizure disorder when I was almost finished with elementary/primary school and by the time I hit my first couple weeks of high school, I ended up with epilepsy. The doctors visits were exhausting, getting pulled by the school counselors to be asked if my parents cared about my education and all this "I have to ask because it's my job" garbage, trying different medications, trying to catch up on all my school work, etc. was all extremely exhausting.

Over time, I had met friends and lost them due to my medical condition. I guess I had embarrassed them enough or they were afraid. It makes me mad because if I were a diabetic, I feel like people would've been more understanding about it, but instead I got cold shouldered, forced to find a new lunch crowd to hang out with, etc. Because of the issues I exhibited while having a seizure, I got pulled aside by the on-campus police officers a few times because they were sure someone had drugged me or I had taken an illegal substance that I shouldn't have. My mom would show up, explain it all, and they're like, "Nah, we see this all the time. She needs to get tested at the hospital," and at that point, I end up in the hospital - no drugs in my system of course because it's my medical issues.

Fast forward another year and a half, I start feeling sluggish, tired, fatigued, lacking in motivation...just sad. I told one of my friends and she immediately encouraged me to tell my parents because it sounded an awful lot like depression. She had quite a bit of trauma in her upbringing so I suppose she would know. I ignored it, though, tried to hide it. Tried to disguise it with, "Oh, I'm fine! Just tired." but it was miserable. Fast forward another year and I just didn't want to smile or laugh. I felt miserable all the time.

Thinking back on it, I'm pretty sure it was affects of the medication (on top of a vitamin D deficiency from not going outside enough) I was on at the time and I really should've spoken up, but being the stubborn teen that wanted to fake it 'til I made it, I felt like I was in a dark place for many years. At home, I just played video games, stayed on the computer for hours, sought relationships with people over the internet.

I did end up with online boyfriends that my parents knew nothing of when I wasn't seeing some guy in high school. My first boyfriend ever in high school lied to me about being a Christian. We became boyfriend-girlfriend. He seemed like such a gentleman and everything. I was so naive. After that first week of dating, he started to become a little bit more controlling and then a bit more and then a bit more until he memorized my entire schedule, stalked me around school, shoved me into walls/to the floor/tripped me for fun, made threats, etc. It was obvious after a little while he was only in the relationship for one thing. I am glad that he never got what he wanted, but it felt like Hell on earth getting out of that relationship. Eventually had to take it to the school, file a report, and then if they continued, the school would take it to the police. He never bothered me again. Unfortunately, it stinks to see him around town from time to time, but he doesn't say a word and he is still getting in trouble with the law (not surprised).

Being abused in this manner made me feel ever more worthless. I felt alone, in the dark, most times, but I also didn't feel up to letting anyone in. I found my love for rock 'n' roll as it kept me going each day. It gave me something to enjoy, same with video games, and GaiaOnline.

At the Church of Christ I went to, I felt nearly invisible. I felt like people didn't want to talk to me. Some of my friends by the time I got to high school no longer went to the church for various reasons. There was one deacon that I remembered caring, but I always figured he was probably empathetic. He would come and ask me how I was doing and that if I needed to talk about anything, I should talk to somebody.

My parents I don't think realized I had depression, I think they were relating it to stubborn, rebellious, moody teen behavior. Not to mention that I tried to hide it a lot, too.

I didn't read my Bible, but I did pray an awful lot. I felt like a bad Christian. Like, why did I feel so insecure about my walk with Jesus? I felt like I was fighting to believe in Jesus throughout those rough years. I felt like Satan was trying hard to rip me away from my faith.

I ended up graduating to high school, barely making it to the required rehearsal to walk for graduation because I had a seizure the day before. My mom was so nervous about letting me go to the rehearsal, but if I didn't go, I didn't walk. Needless to say, I did okay, and was ready the next day.

As sad as it is to say, I had lost many friends and loved ones during my school years. It's a rough thing to deal with to this day. It was sad that some of them never made it to graduate and others died shortly after. I was sad that my long distance grandparents had passed on and wouldn't be able to see me graduate. I only had one grandma left until tis past year. Loss has been a thing in life that never really goes away, but weighs heavily on me from time to time.

A few months prior, the second boyfriend I ever had in person decided to break up with me and the whole thing was simply a mess. He also lied to me that he was a Bible believing Christian. Sad to see how recurring that theme was.

I went to college here and there, trying to get my mind off my ex-boyfriend. (It took me forever to finish that Associate's degree sweatdrop ).

There was one night I remember in my bedroom. I had gone to bed late at night - probably around 2 or 3 a.m. as I would normally do. I was laying in bed on my back, staring at the ceiling, and then I closed my eyes. Suddenly, I felt like I was having a bad nightmare. My arms were shaking and I felt strange so I thought, "This must be a nightmare. I'm going to sit up a moment and figure this all out." When I tried to sit up, I couldn't. My arms felt like lead and were shaking uncontrollably. I was looking up at the ceiling wondering what was going on. I must have blacked out because I remember waking up curled up on my side in the middle of the bed - nowhere where I was to begin with. My pillow was between the bed rail and the mattress at the head of my bed and the blankets were caught between the mattress and bed railing at the foot of the bed. I'm not quite sure if I did that during my seizure or if God had moved them out of the way for me and placed me on my side. I thought it was strange where I was at and how this was all set up. I realized this wasn't normal stuff and tried to call for help. I tried to yell, "Mom! Dad!" but as I tried to say, "Mom!" my voice escaped me. The air was flowing out of my lungs and I couldn't breathe in to get more. I thought about all my loved ones and prayed to God quickly that it'd all be okay. It was terrifying to feel that last breath start to leave you. It left and I felt almost like I was choking. My heart probably stopped and I blacked out.

By miracle, I did wake up, I don't know how long I was even blacked out for, but I felt okay. I was terrified to try to go back to sleep. I decided to keep the blankets on my feet only and to fall asleep without a pillow because I was too scared to suffocate in it. I told my mom in the morning what had happened and she looked so worried because there was no way she could've even known.

When I was about 19 years old, my close friends invited me to a college group that one of their friends invited them to. It was at a church that neither of us had gone to. At first, I was bitter. The last thing I really wanted to do on a Friday night was go to a Bible study. I whined and complained, but went along anyway. It was so uncomfortable to be there, and my heart was hard. All I wanted to do was hang out with people.

I went many times to this church study. I felt like I might've even been able to grow a little by going there each Friday. My parents were always hesitant about letting me go to other churches because it might not be "what they believe." Although, I needed the change.

One Bible study night, they were having a surprise party for someone at someone's house and while there were some inside jokes about it when the birthday girl ran to the bathroom or something, we all made it a surprise and kept it quiet. I didn't know her too well, but we were all invited. I can't remember if it was me that wanted to go or didn't want to go, but my future husband at that time said he didn't want to go and was dragged along by his friend.

The party was a lot of fun. I saw this big guy playing Scrabble and his A's were upside down on his stand. I looked around the room for a place to comfortably sit. I didn't want to walk across the room away from my friends to sit on the couch and be alone, but my friend's that were sitting didn't even make room for me at all. The guy with the upside down A's scooted over and patted the ground and said, "You can sit here." I flat out said, "Your A's are upside down." as I took a seat. I wasn't meaning to be rude, but perhaps it sounded that way. I didn't know he was dyslexic. I turned the A's around for him and I had a fun time teaming up with him trying to make words.

I thought this guy was so funny. His sense of humor was awesome. I saw that late that night or the next, my best friend added this guy on social media so I went ahead and added him. I was pretty sure my best friend of 14 years had a crush on him, too, the way she acted about a few things. Me and this guy from the party got to talking and we started talking for hours and hours each day. If it wasn't on the computer it was on the phone. He'd sneak up to my window and give me a cheesecake from Burger King and would bribe by brother with fries to not to tell my dad xd

I remember this guy was going on a mission trip during Valentine's day week. It felt lonely, because I missed him a lot, but before he left, he brought me a card before he left. Inside it said, "The type of woman that you are: Proverbs 31." I was thinking, "What on earth does that even mean?!" So, where do you think I went? I grabbed my Bible at the tip top of my closet and brushed off all the dust it had gathere. I opened it up to Proverbs 31. I read it and thought, "Aw, so sweet. I never heard about this in the Bible before."

But you think I stopped there? Nope. My soul was starving. I started flipping through to all these pages. I must've spent hours finding answers to questions I had and reading little bits of scripture here and there. That sneaky sneaky man.

We only dated for two months before he proposed to me. I was excited and accepted. We didn't tell anyone for another 4-5 months or so. My mom totally flipped out when I told her and my dad gave this wise lecture, but he was good at not freaking out at things.

I felt like I probably gave my mother a false representation of my future husband and this whole marriage and everything I felt strained our relationship for years.

We did get married before the year was up and I was 20 years old. I have been married for over 10 years now and while I wish I could say it's all rainbows and sunshine, it totally has not been. My husband and I had each changed in our own ways. We have been through a lot and at times we were both bitter at life and bitter at each other. We've had our arguments, we've had our rough points, our times where we both thought, "Should we just quit on this?" and had a hard time finding the motivation to stay together. But you know, I'm glad that we've made it this far and our relationship has started healing more and more and we realize where we may have misplaced priorities and where we might've thrown God on the backburner.

Even though my husband originally told me that doctors had told him time and time again that he would never be able to have children, God has blessed us with 2 beautiful children. We figured having one was a miracle in itself, but when we were expecting a second, that was another huge blessing.

Before our children were born, I had left the Church of Christ that I was grown in. While I may have been justified in doing so, the way I left was by writing a letter to the congregation. I know I mailed my parents a letter. I double and triple checked the stack of letters first! Somehow, it went missing. My parents were very angry with me. They said everyone was talking about this letter, but didn't get one. Years and years later, I found it in my father-in-law's tool bag with a jump start cable for the car that he let us borrow...how that happened, I don't know...but it cause a whole lot of strain between me and my folks for a long time. I wrote the letter, but I was so angry, and my in-laws, whom I tried to get into good favor with were like, "What a beautiful letter!" but they, themselves, were narcissists and I was blinded by my own rage when I sent it. I know I hurt feelings.

Years and years later, we ended up going back and it seemed like it should've been a, "Wow! You're back! How are you?" Almost like it would've been a Prodigal Son moment to them (we had been going to different churches and at times, no church at all because of where we lived for a while, the heat was so bad and the church we were attending was so far away from where we were at). Although it seemed like a few Sundays later, my husband was confronted about the letter. I mean, it had been about 5 years since that letter. In Churches of Christ, they believe in approaching the man, not the woman. A woman is not permitted to preach, lead a song, or help with communion (ideas that I have totally abandoned as I feel very differently, that women should have a say). My husband ended up feeling so pressured to get up there and say he was sorry about a letter that he never wrote. That makes me mad. I never got the chance to apologize for it myself. That wasn't fair to my husband in any way, shape, or form. Although, supposedly some people there are still bitter about it even now. Pretty much everyone in that church is related by blood in some way or another. That alone disturbs me because they aren't always so welcoming to new people or I think new people get put off at the clique behaviors and feel left out. My husband and I rarely get invited to things at the church unless it's a, "Everyone's welcome!" We don't get invited to come play volleyball, or to people's birthday parties, or things like that. We feel so left out. We've been struggling with going there lately. I feel that we have no growth and that church doesn't exactly plan on growth, which is rather sad. We have been attending elsewhere at least one day during the week and I don't really know what to do about that at the moment.

As a note, I no longer consider myself Church of Christ or anywhere close. I very much consider myself a non-denominational Christian. I have abandoned a lot of the Church of Christ "traditions" long ago. I learned a lot about doing Bible research from my husband that went to Bible school. He was able to answer questions that the Church of Christ was never able to answer for me.

We have been blessed greatly and our trials have been many. There are times even now where I have felt bitter at life. My health hasn't been amazing this past year. I had the virus and almost died from it because of how bad it made my seizures. They took 3 hours in the hospital to even stabilize me. My lactic acidosis in my body was severe. My white blood cell count was low. My blood sugar was nearly 200 when I don't even have diabetes. While I was in the hospital, I remember being in a dark place as if I had just closed my eyes, but I couldn't seem to open them. There was this amazing sense of peace around me. I know that God was there and I wouldn't be surprised if there were angels standing with me that day, too. Whether they were going to take me to Heaven that day or there praying at my side, I can believe it. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't feel anyone touch me. I could hear my own thoughts, but I was like in this holding place between life and death. I wasn't sad or happy, just at peace.

I did wake up, and while some days I miss that peace, I am glad that it's another day I'm blessed with to spend time with the ones that I love.

Currently, my husband and I know what God is calling us to do and we're wanting to make it happen.

Thanks for reading and God bless biggrin