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The following is a long clump of text that doesn't make very much sense. "Why doesn't it make sense?" you may ask. The answer is really quite simple. You see, my blue salt shaker that my brother gave to me on his deathbed told me so. Although, I don't see how it could have known that, because the only other person who knew was the spider plant in my living room, and everyone knows that plants can't talk. Well, except for the ones who are rocket scientists on Thursdays. Sometimes NASA will outsource work to them because they are so keen on rocketry. Of course, this makes the non-plant spiders rather jealous, but oddly enough, not on Thursdays. Thursday is an amazing day because it's the only day that starts with a 'T'. Except of course for Tuesday, but we don't talk about that any more, not since the divorce. Some people don't understand why the days were married in the first place, but they were in love, and kids are so foolish at that age. When I have children I won't let them be foolish because I don't think it's healthy. Chicken pox isn't very healthy either, but I doubt I'll be able to control that. I'm still rather disappointed that chicken pox doesn't taste like chicken. Not even a little bit. Of course, if I were a pox, I doubt I would taste like chicken either. I wonder if chickens can get chicken pox. Would they call it 'us pox'? Sometimes I think that the chickens are staring at me, so I close the refrigerator door. If I lived in the refrigerator I would get cold a lot, but maybe not as much as an Eskimo. Eskimos live in the frozen tundra of the north. Don't you think it's odd that you can't walk north from the North Pole? You can only walk south. I bet a compass wouldn't be much help if you were standing on the North Pole. I once got a compass out of a Cracker Jack box, but I don't think it worked right. I think that Cracker Jack should change their name to Popcorn Jack, because they don't have any crackers in them. Come to think of it, there isn't any Jack either! If I had Cracker Jacks right now, I wouldn't eat them. Instead, I would build a little doll out of them and talk to it for hours on end. We would be best friends and drive to the Sudan together. I think we would have to get a map, because I don't know how to get to the Sudan from here. Do you think that the Sudan has dinosaurs? I don't see any around where I live, so maybe they live in the Sudan. I once met a duck that said he saw a dinosaur, but I think he was a pathological liar. He also had really big hooves for a duck, and ducks don't have hooves either. I sometimes wish that I had hooves, that way I could run in the Kentucky Derby. Of course, I wouldn't want to have to drag around a jockey all day. Jockeys are really short and I would like to try to jump over them. I think I could do it, but they might get offended. I wouldn't take offence if some really tall guy wanted to jump over me. But if he hit me, I'd cut off his kneecaps. Then I would put them in my collection of kneecaps that I store under my bed. I hope the police never find them because they would get mad at me for collecting other people's kneecaps. The police are funny like that. Even still, I don't think police officers would make very good comedians, because people would be afraid that they might get a ticket for laughing at the police officer. Laughter is supposed to be the best medicine, but I'd rather have a spoonful of sugar. Maybe malt sugar though, that way I could eat a chocolate malt instead of taking medicine. Medicine is usually yucky, but I once had this medicine that tasted like artificial grape, and it was good. It was even purple in color. Purple is a pretty color, but I don't think that dogs should be purple because they bark too much. Isn't it strange that dogs bark and trees have bark, but dogs aren't trees? If I was a tree I would be a beagle.

Thanks I think...
Part 2!!!


So what's the deal with dogs anyway? I mean, they aren't people right, so why do they get fleas? Why is it that fleas like to ride on dogs? Can't they just buy a bus pass? Perhaps that the city won't issue bus passes to parasitic insects. But isn't that discrimination? I think our civilization would be beyond that by now. I mean we have really big sky scrapers, but we can't let bugs on mass transit. I've never been on top of the Empire State building, but King Kong has. I'll bet it's a really good view from the top, unless you have a giant primate blocking your view. They can be so inconsiderate at times. Do you think the owners of sky scrapers have to repair the sky? How long can they continue scraping it until it needs replacing? The sky is really big though. It has a huge collection of clouds. I wanted a cloud collection when I was younger, but my mother told me I couldn't have one because they are too expensive. I think she just wanted to keep all the clouds for herself. Have you ever seen a cloud that looked like a turkey? I have. It moved around and had feathers and even made a sound like a turkey. I watched it walk along the ground in a forest as well. Yep, that was an amazing cloud, until that hunter shot it. He must have took it home and had turkey flavored rain for dinner. I don't know what I'm going to have for dinner today. Maybe I'll go to the local Big Boy. Big Boy scares me though. He's always looking at me with this huge grin and beedy eyes. Plus, he wears really ugly checkered over-alls. Maybe he made them from a picnic blanket. I haven't had a picnic in a long time. The last time was ages ago when this little gremlin asked me to accompany him. He seemed like a nice gremlin, but I think he was just using me for my really cool picnic blanket. He stole it from me in the dark. I think he made over-alls from it... Wait a minute, I just thought of something! That gremlin didn't have his driver's license! Oh wait, he didn't drive. I guess everything is cleared up then. I don't even think gremlins know how to drive. That must be why they all have bus passes. I wonder if gremlins have fleas. Not that it matters to me, I wouldn't like them any less if they did. I mean, what if men didn't like their dogs with fleas, then they wouldn't be best friends and years of cliché would go right out the window. But if the window was closed, then it would have to be broken first, or at least opened. Some people think that all windows are broken because of Microsoft. But Bill Gates says it's not and you have to believe what he says because he eats turkey and not even the cloud kind either. On a completely unrelated topic, I have a computer that's running Windows. I like my computer and I use it for stuff. Important stuff. Well okay, completely inane stuff, but you can't do important stuff all the time, it's not healthy. I mean look at the president. He has to do important stuff all the time and what happened? He got old. That's what happens when you work too hard, you get old. It's a proven fact. Really, some people at Harvard did some intense research on it. And although the research doesn't validate my point in the slightest, I thought I'd bring it up anyway because Harvard is a prestigious school. I'm not sure why it is, I think it's because they get mentioned in test results all the time. I don't think I've ever been mentioned in a test result, except for the time the goats spoke to me. They told me that the world would end on July 8th, 2002. That pretty much explains why goats aren't running the world doesn't it? Heck, they weren't even close! It would really suck if the world ended in the summer because summer's fun. I would prefer if the world ended in the wimmer. That's not a real season, I just made it up. But you see, because there isn't a wimmer, then we don't need to worry about the end of the world. See, I saved civilization as we know it, even if we do discriminate against fleas.

lol, Part 3!


The problem with discrimination is that some people don't get included in the discrimination process, and as we all know, processing is what is done to cheese. It's also pasteurized, but really, who cares about that anyway? I suppose the pastures do. Cows live in pastures sometimes, but pink alligators do not. Unless they dress up like a cow with big udders. I once had a dream that a giant udder was yelling at me and shooting me with milk. When I woke up I found myself in Tijuana, Mexico talking to a piñata named Stan. Stan was a good piñata. He talked about how brutal children smash him with clubs until his internal organs spray out on the pavement, and then they eat them. I think he was a little bitter about it, but you know how piñatas can be. Speaking of piñatas, I once went sailing on a big lake. There was water and stuff. Oddly enough, the boat was not made out of cereal. I guess that's a good thing because if it had been then the fish might try to eat it. Fish are really fond of Captain Crunch, but he cuts up the inside of their mouths because he's so sharp. But not sharp like a smart person, sharp like a pointy thing used for cutting, stabbing, and lacerating. If I was a laceration I think I'd dress more formal, because people expect more out of lacerations. I'm not sure why though, it must have something to do with the human bladder. The bladder is an amazing thing. One day it wants to fill itself, the other it wants to pop like a balloon. I don't suggest using your bladder in a water balloon fight because if it pops you'll be out of bladders unless you get someone else's. The problem with that is trying to find a farmer willing to give his up. Farmers are greedy like that, especially bladder farmers. If I was a farmer I would grow money. Then, when somebody tells me that money doesn't grow on trees I can tell them that it does at my farm! That might offend some people though because most people don't like to be wrong, especially when it comes to botany. Botany is really exciting when you think about it. However, if you stop thinking about it it stops being exciting and becomes down right dull. This has something to do with interstellar travel, but I'm not sure what exactly. Ask a goat, they'll tell you. Speaking of iron ore, I once lived in Russia. Not the cold part that you see in movies, but the nice part where it rains candy and love and everyone talks in musical tones about sunbeams and rainbows. That place is near Moscow. They don't have as many cows in Moscow as you would expect. I mean, honestly, they call the place Moscow, and then don't put enough cows there. What were they thinking? It wasn't cows, that's for sure! I'm not sure, because I don't use Sure deodorant. I do use deodorant, but not Sure. It sure can be confusing when someone asks you if you're sure because you don't know if they're referring to deodorant or not. This play on words has started many wars and has caused the death of thousands of innocent plastic tubes. Most people don't ever think about the plastic tubes who gave their lack of life back in the Sweat Wars of '82. They were going to build a memorial awhile back, but they couldn't get the funding from the government. Typical government, you can never expect them to hand out money for important stuff. They always want to spend it on making people's lives better or some such nonsense. Nonsense is good stuff. People have too many senses anyway, so it's nice to remove them every so often and ship them to Cambodia for a nice weekend getaway. From what the dolphins tell me Cambodia is really nice this time of year. However, during other times of the year there is nothing but fiery hail and flesh-eating coffeepots. And when those coffeepots get mad, you best just look out! They can be so unpredictable sometimes, just like other things that aren't predictable, but I'm having a hard time thinking of any because I'm under so much pressure to come up with one.

tl;dr
xd