I assume I have until Monday, then.
Anyway, it's supposed to be funny. And I'd be surprised if you guys couldn't find anything wrong with it, so let loose and fire away. Seriously, feel free to give your opinion on anything as miniscule as choice of words or sentence structure. Hope you laugh.
Oh, yes. It isn't quite done yet.
xxx
Snarky & Nipper
Magpies sang in the valley as the sun set behind the horizon. The sky was a vivid canvas, splashed with the watercolours of auburn, violet and lavender. In the fading daylight, animals everywhere were kicking back and forgetting about the troubles of the day. Everything would soon grind to a peaceful halt as the darkness caught up with that side of the earth and night settled in upon the land.
A warm breeze blew through the clearing to stir up the tall grass and the leaves in the overhanging branches of the gum trees. At the base of the trees in the deep leaf litter laid their own dead branches, felled by the gales of a stormy night long gone. Where the trees were not, the endless grasslands were – rolling hills, dusty ground, and the occasional waterhole. In the distance, the line of the horizon and fell like – the edge of the valley, the dividing line between this region and the next.
The kangaroos that lived in this land were lucky to have their food growing out of the ground. They could graze whenever and as often as they pleased, provided the sun and rain kept coming. Dingoes, on the other hand, had it a little harder.
“Freaking Jaws! Kick us out of his damn hunting party; after all we’ve done for him!”
“Oh man, I’m so hungry.”
“Would you shut up for a second? Can’t you see I’m not done ranting yet?”
“But… you’ve been at it for two weeks now.”
“Do you want me to hit you? I said I’m not done yet!”
Two such dingoes were Snarky and Nipper, both thin and with deeply concave stomachs after going so long without food. Nipper was small and scrawny with grey fur, and walked with a limp. Snarky had a little more muscle on him with the same colouration, tipped in the extremities with brown-red. The bigger one of the two appeared to be well on the way of losing his mind. He couldn’t stop mentioning how much he hated that “lousy brother” of his, who’d forced both he and his companion out of the family awhile back. Nipper, on the other hand, just wanted to move on and get rid of his hunger. But forgiving and forgetting was looking more and more like a fantasy than a possibility with every passing minute.
“Life’s not fair, is it?”
“Nah, I s’pose not.”
“Man, that good-for-nothing, backstabbing, lousy brother of mine! If I ever run into him again, I swear he will be sorry he was born. Yeah… You and me, mate. We’ll take that pack back from him.”
“But he kicked us pretty bad last time…”
“We’ll build up our strength, and then we’ll go back. Oh yeah, he’ll be sorry. And he didn’t even have reason to kick us out, that scum!”
“You did sleep with his girlfriend…”
“Shut up! She came to me, alright?”
“Sorry.”
“It was because I’m so much better looking than that lousy brother of mine, anyway. Hey, that reminds me; I haven’t groomed myself in I can’t remember how long. Look over here for a second. How’s my fur?”
A couple of metrosexual dingoes winging it out in the outback wilderness. Oh yes. Despite everything that Snarky was harping on about, his brother – Jaws – had every right to exile him and Nipper. Snarky was the bigger of the two, yes, but neither was very big in the first place or fast for that matter. They were really only staying with Jaws’ pack because they were just too lazy to fetch themselves any meat. When the rest of the family was out hunting, they’d be trailing behind, pretending that they couldn’t keep up. Of course, it didn’t take very long for Jaws to realise what they were up to. Then there was trouble.
“Looks great, like always.”
“Thanks mate. You look nice, too.”
“Yeah, that’s like my natural talent. Do I have anything on my face?”
“Nah, you’re fine. That lousy brother of mine, at least he didn’t have any reason to kick you out with me.”
“We were pretty lazy with the hunting and everything, though…”
“Well yeah, but everyone does that from time to time. Can’t blame us for that, can he?”
“… And I did let his pup get carried away by that eagle.”
“Do you want me to hit you?”
“No, sir.”
Presently, another breeze blew through the clearing. With it came a familiar smell, a smell that both dingoes ought to recognize well by now. Snarky was otherwise preoccupied with further venting his limitless anger, but his companion acknowledged the scent immediately. Nipper lifted his snout into the air and sniffed twice, the skin on the bridge of his nose creasing each time. It was that scent; that wondrous scent of twigs, leaves and urine embedded into the thick, sweaty, body-odorous pelt of big, odd-looking jumpy things.
“Kangaroos!”
“What?”
“Smell that, Snarky? Kangaroos, I’m sure! Kangaroos just up ahead, past those trees and down the hill. If we’re lucky, we’ll be able to take ‘em by surprise and pick of a joey or two. How ‘bout it?”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, positive! That’s the smell of kangaroos if I ever smelled one.”
“Ah, you’re right mate. But the last time we went after those things, that big one came and kicked you off the cliff into the lake, remember? That’s how you got your limp.”
“Will you stop reminding me about that? I’m just so hungry. Come on, we can do it.”
“But I haven’t hunted in ages, man. Couldn’t we just go scavenge from some old carcass later? We’re bound to run into another one, and hey! That strange, crunchy one didn’t taste too bad.”
“That was a tree.”
“I don’t care! Filled our stomachs good enough, didn’t it?”
“I need you to help me, Snarky. I can’t do this without you.”
“But…”
“Well?”
“Oh, fine.”
“Thanks mate, I knew I could count on you!”
“If I end up with a limp, it’s going to be your fault.”
They promptly devised a simple strategy to trap the kangaroos as best they could, making good use of the landscape to make up for their small numbers. Nipper would sneak around to the foot of the hill and hide in the bushes, close to the prey’s current grazing spot. Snarky would stay where he was, making use of the foliage to conceal himself. When he gave the signal, Nipper would run out of cover and straight for the kangaroos. They in turn would most preferably flee up the hill, in which case Snarky would spring out of the grass and claim one of the small or weak ones.
So Nipper headed the long way round to make sure he wasn’t spotted. Snarky did as they had planned and ducked behind a tree trunk, body buried deep in the sea of grass around him. When he’d settled down, he poked his head out from behind the tree and stole a quick look at the kangaroos. Up until now he’d only smelled them, and even then there was only a hint of their fragrances to be detected. His sense of smell was nowhere as good as Nipper’s.
And there they were, just as Nipper had described it. Where the hill ended, the mob lazed. That spot by the end of the slope looked to be the kangaroos’ home. Some lay casually on the floor, whereas others were still browsing through what the grasslands had to offer them in the way of food, in case they’d missed any of the worthwhile pickings earlier on in the day. The juveniles of the group would generally hang around their mothers at this time for protection. But today, some of the male joeys were still mucking about with each other and throwing themselves upon shrubberies.
The kangaroos were beginning to bore Snarky now. His eyes soon strayed from them to the bushes in the background. There was a choiring magpie sitting in a tree in the distance, big and black, like a sentry impatiently waiting for his late replacement after a long, hard day of observations. Down below, a line was forming in the grass. It looked almost like a giant snake slithering, leaving its mark on the land; though not nearly as graceful. Sure was making a lot of noise, too.
“What is that?”
The line grew longer and longer by the second, heading towards that singing magpie’s perch. The bird shifted its gaze down to the ground, eyes pointing straight at the head of the line in the grass. Suddenly, it pointed its beak to the air and drew a deep breath. From its throat came a piercing shriek, loud enough to be heard from a mile around. The sound had no trouble reaching the kangaroos’ ears. They turned to the hill and bounded away immediately, dust clouds rising as their feet pounded upon the earth.
“Wait… Wait, what just happened?”
Something stirred in the grass, down near the foot of the magpie’s tree. Even the bird in its high roost took flight and fled with a squawk this time. Whatever it was, it must have spooked the mob. Snarky remained staring at that one spot by that tree. And out of the grass emerged Nipper, looking quite taken aback and sheepish at the same time.
“Nipper! That idiot!”
That was the least of Snarky’s troubles right now. Amidst all the chaos and the confusion, he had failed to realise which way the kangaroos were headed – right in his direction.
