SaintBastard
sad
Well... s**t. That sucks a lot.
More of the s**t I say and my verbal mannerisms probably come from that man than any of you realize. And I don't really know anyone else who was a fan so I can't even talk about it.
So, in tribute, here are some out-of-context quotes from Richard Jeni's absolutely brilliant stand-up that won't make sense to anyone, but I'm posting them anyway.
...
"Offsides, defense. Five yards. Penalty is declined, so lets all... just get back to the game here... all of us except NUMBER 71!!! IT WAS YOU 71! 71 YOU FAT, WADDLING HOG! DON'T TRY TO DENY IT! WE HAVE IT ON TAPE!"
"Are you people really wondering why men love oral sex so much? Is this really a mystery to you? Men love oral sex so much because it combines all men's two favorite activities of all time. Which are: 1.) sex, and 2.) not moving at all."
"I do not watch porno movies. I'm serious, I don't. Everyone always says, 'bullshit! You're a guy! You watch porno movies every once in a while, all of us do.' I don't, because I'm smart and I don't need to be depressed. Every guy I know who likes the dirty movies always gets one and then watches about the first half of it and they're all into it and havin' a great time, you know? And then what happens? They get about halfway into all this depraved, unimaginably fantastic sex with sixteen different beautiful women and they go, 'This is great, this is awesome, this in AMAZING, THIS IS... this is... never gonna happen to me, is it?'"
"I hate cooking shows, too! Have any of you ever watched a cooking show on television? They're ridiculous! Who watches these things? What real person can actually, realistically do this s**t? The cooking shows are always like: *foppish English accent* 'Welcome to our show this evening. Tonight we'll be making an extreeeemly complicated dish using ingredients you don't have, utensils you can't afford, in a kitchen bigger than your whole <******** APARTMENT! Yes, welcome.' What we need is a cooking show for the regular man. A show with a host who is a regular man, and he would teach you how to make dishes that a normal person could actually make. It would be called "Bill The Belching Gourmet," and he would come out on the crappy, mildewed set wearing nothing but a pair of jockey shorts. And not just any jockey shorts, the really disgusting ones that say "HOME OF THE WHOPPER" right on the front. And he would say: '*BEEEEELCH* Hey, folks, welcome to another episode of Bill The Belching Gourmet. Tonight, I'd like to make a nice Beef Wellington. ... I'd also like to be in a hottub with Julia Roberts, but let's be ********' realistic."
"There is some weird s**t on the radio my friend, besides just love songs though. When you aren't hearing love songs, occasionally you'll hear some really weird s**t. Have you ever heard the song, 'The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald?' It's a song about a ship that went down. It is the most depressing song ever conceived by man. If you are ever throwing a party, and you suddenly realize you need everyone to get the hell out of your house and go home, own that record! People are sitting there having a nice time at your party and then suddenly:
"And the ship went down, and they all drowned like rats,
as they laid there, and their lungs filled with wateeeeeeeer!"
'Hey Rich, we've gotta get going man, we've, uh, we've got things to do in the morning, you know how it is...'
"And back on the shore, their wives had no insurance,
and their kids turned to drugs and prostitution."
'Yeah, I know how it is, see you later.'
...
...
...
You all need to find, be it for real, or on the internet, a copy of the stand-up performance "Platypus Man" by Richard Jeni. It's the funniest damn thing you'll ever do.
Man, I'm trying to be depressed that my favorite comedian just died, but I can't because he's just too damn funny. I guess that's means he did something right.
I'm gonna shut up now.
