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 Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:00 am
An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small
town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while
she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her
clothes off of the line, smashed the watermelons in her
garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find
any money. Well, a couple of hours later the old lady got
home and when she saw what had happened to her house she
immediately called the police. When the officer on the other
end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was
she simply replied "yes officer someone broke into my house,
took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my
p***y.
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms
or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you! She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised
an eyebrow and gazed intently.
"Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said... "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:03 am
New entrance Rules to Heaven
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into
Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The
policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of
Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly
asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your
day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment
on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half
naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his
fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he
fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that
broke his fall and he didn't die This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could
get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I
unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the
side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack
and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did
have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced,
"OK,
sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise,
it was Donald Trump.
"Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your
day was like when you died."
Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was
on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises.
I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve
my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally
fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony
below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of
his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course
I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my
fall, so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in
excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all
things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing
me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his
story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.
"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ," and
he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is
almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour
through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please
tell me what it was like the day you died."
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:05 am
Two LAWYERS were walking through the woods one day when a large grizzly bear started chasing them. One of the fellows reached into his backpack to retrieve his tennis shoes to change into from his heavy hiking boots. His buddy said, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun that bear." The first guy said, "I only have to outrun you!"
A couple of young men were fishing at their special pond off a beaten track, when out of the bushes, jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, but hot on his heels came the Game Warden. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath. The Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young feller. "But my friend back there. Well, he don't have one.
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:06 am
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:10 am
A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape
Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said ‘FAT’, and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is ‘FAT’ – (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:11 am
The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to
keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound
of distant thunder and experience the smell of fresh rain. Amazing!
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and get the
scent of fresh hay. Wonderful!
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and
the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs
frying. Mouth-watering!
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
Delicious!
I don't buy toilet paper there any more....
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:12 am
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for
breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed.
Everything had been SO incredible! "You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?
"No, "she replies. . . . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye."
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:14 am
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally". On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, and they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money and it comes to fifty-thousand dollars! "We've got to give it back," says the husband. "Finders keepers," she says, and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money. They show up at the home of the childhood sweethearts. One knocks on the door and the couple open it, he says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" She says: "No." The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." "Don't believe him, he's getting senile," she says. But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. "Tell us the story from the beginning," says one of the agents. "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..." At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner and says:,"We're outta here ..."
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:17 am
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room
on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep
quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:20 am
UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 for a little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that mean that one enjoys it?
4. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or
at Hooters.
5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people
from Holland called Holes?
6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a
person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't
it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the others here for?
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put
the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells"THEIRS" ?
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:21 am
Paddy staggered home very late after an evening with his drinking buddies.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Bridget. He
tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. The bottle of whiskey in each back pocket broke and made his landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy staggered up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt. Bridget sat staring at him from across the room. She said,
"Paddy McGuire, ye were drunk again last night, weren't ye?"
Paddy said, "Why are ye accusin' me of such a thing?" "Ah, well," Bridget said, "it could be the open front door; it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs; it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house; it could be yer bloodshot eyes; but mostly, I'm thinkin', it's all those Band-Aids stuck to the hall mirror."
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:22 am
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not ma'am, it's only 2130 now."
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:27 am
Loving husband Jeff was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told
him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds flat, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning, Jeff got up really early before work. When his
wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window,
and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the
middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and
took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new
bathroom scale.
Jeff is not yet able to have visitors.
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:29 am
Designer babies Three babies are dropped off at the eugenics day care: Sally, Jimmy, and Tyler. When their parents leave, they crawl over to the center of the room to introduce themselves. After they make their introductions, Sally decides she likes the looks of Jimmy, and says to him, "Wow, Jimmy, you sure are a well formed baby. I like your silver rattle a lot; it's almost as expensive as mine, I?ll bet." Jimmy nodes sagely, tapping out the Fibinacci Series on the floor with his rattle. "So," Sally goes on, "What eugenic strategy did your parents use when they made you?" Jimmy shrugs, popping his thumb out of his mouth to answer, "My parents were strict classical eugenists. No frills or eccentricity in my genetic makeup; they decided that there was no substitute for superhigh IQ, responsibility, and good health. My respiratory system should endure without medicine until I surpass my hundredth year, provided that I take proper care of myself, which I shall, given my enhanced conscientiousness." So saying, Jimmy resumes his Fibinacci Series where he left off. Sally is impressed, and shakes her solid gold rattle excitedly. "Wow. My parents are more neo-eugenists. They made sure I was smart, but they were more interested in other traits like creativity and agreeableness and stuff. Plus they wanted me to be really pretty. Don't you think I'm cute?" "I sure do," Tyler interjects. Sally turns to Tyler. "So what strategy did your parents use when they made you?" "Well," Tyler said, fiddling with the lining of his diaper, "My parents are Social Darwinists. They decided that the only good traits were ones which made you more competitive." "So what did they program into your genes?" Sally asked. "Oh, a lack of remorse," Tyler said, grabbing her golden rattle away from her, hitting Jimmy on the head with it, stealing his rattle, and stuffing them both into his diaper.
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:30 am
A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since
you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky..............
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or
ex-girlfriends.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other
pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There
were
57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the ****you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky
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