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 Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:24 am
1. Two blondes walk into a building...... you'd think at least one of them
would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat
it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's
cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or
my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:28 am
POLITICAL SCIENCE FOR DUMMIES
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk
the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:29 am
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count
as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc,
it's like
this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I
tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it
between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:32 am
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey is running all around the place. He grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the pool balls and to everyone's amazement, sticks it in his mouth, and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate a pool ball . . . . . . . whole!"
"Well, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. I'm sorry about that, but I'll pay for the ball and stuff." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
A few weeks later, the guy and his monkey are back. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is sipping on his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. Then he stuck a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he passed that cue ball, he measures everything first.
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:33 am
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant...then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!
"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her caregiver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor snickered and said, "Just messin' with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:37 am
Subject: Words with two meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.
7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . .You wear pants don't you?
He said . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:45 am
Wow... just discovered I can find jokes here too... cool
Thought I'd share my favorite that I painstakenly typed out on MySpace.. hope you like:
Caveat: It's an Australian joke (where they don't have to tip).
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. They sit down and when the bartender comes over he orders a beer. The ostrich says "I'll have one too" and the cat says "Me too, but, I'm not paying!" Perplexed by the scene in front of him, the bartender went off to get the beers. When he comes back he says "That'll be $12.75. The man puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out exactly $12.75. The bartender thought it was really odd all-around but, didn't say anything.
The next day, the same man came in again with the ostrich and the cat. The bartenders curiousity is really piquing now. But, still doesn't want to say anything as the man orders a beer. The ostrich says "I'll have one too" and the cat says "Me too, but, I'm not paying!" The bartender goes off, comes back and again says that's $12.75. Once again, the man puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out exactly $12.75.
The next day, they come back, the man, the ostrich and the cat. The bartender is really curious now! He goes over to the guy, but before he can ask, the guy says: "I had a bad day, I need a beer with a whiskey chaser!" The ostrich says "Me too, bad day, need the same thing" and the cat says "me too! But, I'm not paying!" The bartender goes to get the drinks and hurries back to see what happens... he says that'll be "$24.33" Again, the man puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out the exact change!
Finally, this is too much for the bartender, and he asks "I got to know, what's the deal with always having the exact change? You've been in here 3 days in a row and always have the right amount."
The man says "Well, you see, that was the smartest thing I ever did. I was walking along a beach and came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a Jeannie came out to grant me 3 wishes. My first wish was that any time I wanted to buy anything I'd always have the exact amount of money I needed in my pocket."
The bartender says "Wow, that's really smart... so many people would wish for a pile of money and blow through it really fast. Now, I have to know, what's the deal with the ostrich and the cat?"
The man looks at his strange companions and then at the bartender and says "Well, that's the DUMBEST thing I ever did. My next wish was for a chick with long legs and a really tight p***y."
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:47 am
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you
of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till
they moved out.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before
an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy ! of commuters by controlling road rage and
the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, You make me want to be a better person .
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:48 am
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:49 am
Redneck pickup lines
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
cool Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer " bed-rock."
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench........every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:50 am
Hormone Hostage Women will understand this and the men should
memorize it! The Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all
a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own
hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or
significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more wine.
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1 Pass My Shotgun
2 Psychotic Mood Shift
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5 People Make me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favorite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:53 am
The Thaos Indians in New Mexico lost their local Chief who died of old age. He had no heirs and the tribe elders were looking for a qualified candidate to become their leader. After a few months passed and it seemed as if there was nobody fit enough for the position they received a new application.
The new applicant was a young man who moved there recently and had no previous experience, but they decided that they were out of time and he was chosen to be the tribe's leader.
At first he was doing pretty well, but during his second week he was requested to perform the age old practice of predicting the upcoming winter weather. He asked around and learned that the Chief is expected to go out at night, watch the stars, and issue an official forecast of the upcoming winter so that the people can best prepare themselves, like they used to do for generations.
The young Chief doesn't have the slightest idea about stargazing. He goes out in the middle of the night looks up, but lacking a better idea, he says: “It is going to be a somewhat cold winter”. The people are a bit disappointed with this forecast because they really don’t have any substantial clue to hang on. The next day there's mounting pressure to clarify the situation.
He decides to go out at night again, but instead of looking at the sky he drives his car to a gas station. He walks to a public pay phone and calls NOAA, the National Atmospheric Administration. When they pick up he asks how's the winter gonna be. The answer is: “It is going to be cold”. So the next morning he goes out to announce an amendment: “It will be a cold winter”. The correction is well received and now the people know it is time to go out and seriously start collecting fire woods and get prepared.
But the Chief is a little concerned now. After all it is his reputation on the line. So at night he drives again to the gas station to place another phone call to NOAA. When he asks about the weather this time, he hears a slightly different answer. “This year,” they say, “it will be a very cold winter.” Now he has no choice but to issue an amendment once more. “I looked again at the stars” he tells the elders, “and it will be a very cold winter.” The stern warning doesn't get unheeded and this time the tribesmen start collecting woods with extra vigor.
But the Chief still feels uneasy, so, he drives out again and makes another phone call. The guy at the other end of the line sounds a little shaky when he delivers the new forecast. “It is going to be excruciatingly cold winter.” Our Chief can’t take this anymore so he blurs. “What’s the matter with you guys? Just a couple of nights ago you told me it will be a cold winter. Then you upgraded it to a very cold, and now, excruciatingly cold?”
After a long silence the weatherman answers with a deep sigh, “You see, I don’t know you but you keep calling so I’d like to tell you the truth. The fact is, we really have no idea about the weather, all we know is the Thaos Indians are collecting woods like crazy”.
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:54 am
Early one winter morning while listening to the radio, Leroy and his
wife Carol hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street,
so the snowplow can get through." Carol goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer
says," We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Carol goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio
announcer says" We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park... "
Then the electric power goes out.
Carol is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says,
"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on
so the plow can get through?"
With the love & understanding in his voice, like all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Leroy says, "Why don't you just leave it in the
garage this time.?"
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:55 am
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take LulaBelle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
The Dad says, "Bring LulaBelle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep LulaBelle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's LulaBelle?"
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!)
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:58 am
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and
HE reads...
(Scroll down!!)
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!! I PROMISE!)
"W I N A B A G E L"
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