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 Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 9:04 pm
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch p***s." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 9:05 pm
Mark was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked, "How much for the teapot?"
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."
"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 9:09 pm
Weenie Test
Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid are on
the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game.
"Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.
"Okay." They all agree.
The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing,"says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least
an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the
biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he
did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the
biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a redneck. Is that true, Mom?"
Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one".
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 9:14 pm
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!!!!!!!!
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 9:15 pm
ok i think thats enough for one day maybe tomorrow i will post twice as much
I hope i didn't offend anyone with these but i thought they were funny
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:08 am
The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
circumcisions? "
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."
“The Internal Revenue Service?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And about once a year, they send us a little p***k like you."
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:09 am
usband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet bowl."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:11 am
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:13 am
One morning a man wakes up with an awful headache, he notices a note on the pillow from his wife, it tells him how much she loves him, that she has gone to get all the things she needs to make him his favorite dinner and that breakfast is on the stove for him. He cannot figure out what is going on, he knows he came home drunk and fall and broke the coffee table. He walks down to the kitchen to find the house in complete order and sparkling clean. His son is at the kitchen table. He asks his son if he knows what is going on. I know I broke the coffee table and was out most of the night drinking...what is up with your mother. To which his son replies....
Well dad....you woke mom up when you came home. She dragged you to the bedroom and tried to help you get undressed but all you could yell was Leave me alone...I'm married.
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:15 am
One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed.
He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him,
"George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington
advises, and then fades away...
The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas
Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom,
please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from
sight...
The third night sleep still does not come easily for Bush He awakens to
see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin,
What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the
mist...
Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night either when he sees another
figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush
pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the
country?"
Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:16 am
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:17 am
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:18 am
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:20 am
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be
alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female
sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go
home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few
units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men
will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to
whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly
what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling
that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are
swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a
relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after
beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to
this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support
groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with
similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up
"Golf Courses" in the phone book.
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:23 am
You Know Your Kids Might Be Kink Friendly When...
The neighbours complain that your kids do full body cavity searches when
playing cops and robbers.
Your daughter uses Twizzlers as floggers.
You go into the playroom and discover an interrogation chair built
entirely of Legos.
You come home and find them tickling a bound and gagged baby-sitter.
They hand you the body harness and leash that they used as toddlers
when it's time to go shopping.
Your 12 year-old crawls over and eats out of the dog dish.
Your son wants to know when he'll get his allowance, because he needs to
pay his tab at the hardware store.
You tell them they're too old to spank and they try to assure that they
aren't.
Your daughter speaks wistfully about being confined to the playpen while
the other children played in the room.
You yell out to your son to come and do his chores and he tells youhe's
tied up right now... and you check on him and find that he really is
tied up right now.
Your three year old is strutting around with clothespins hanging off his tongue.
Their favorite game is Cowboy and Dominatrix.
Your son earned his merit badge in tying knots... twelve times.
They won't play Twister because they don't want to say "red."
You notice her Barbie doll has G.I. Joe on a leash... or vice-versa.
The 13 year-old begs for HIS first bra.
You had to buy a clothes dryer because every time your kids went out to
play, the clothesline and clothespins would vanish.
You ask your daughter to walk the dog, only the dog's still home and the leash and your son aren't.
Your son balks at toilet training... and he's 14.
They made a violet wand for the science fair.
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