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 Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:23 pm
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning"
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL."If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS."Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE ."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me"
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me about WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite: 25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:26 pm
Are you having a "jellyfish bad day"?
If you don't laugh out loud after you read this, you may be in a coma!
This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a
bad
day at work - think of this guy:
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
E-mail
he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 On FM
dial
in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a Worst Job Experience
Contest.
Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sis,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a
bad
day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so
I
thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not
so
bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must
bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to
the
office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered
industrial
water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of
the
sea.
It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the
diver >through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this
sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no
complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take
the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my
whole
suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a
few
seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back,
but
the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't
stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding
the
jellyfish into the crack of my butt
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
other
divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes
before
I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass
helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
running
down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my
butt
as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I
couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse
it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to
yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job" Now whenever
you
have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jelly fish bad day!
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:29 pm
cat haiku
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will show you.
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
elevator butt.
I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! good dog! good dog!
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
Blur of motion, then-
Silence, me, a paper bag
What is so funny?
The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds
Your foot just squashed one.
You're always typing
Well, let's see you ignore my
Sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.
Terrible battle
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a "term paper"?
Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around.
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner.
Want to trim my claws
Don't even think about it!
My yelps will wake the dead.
I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?
Wanna go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper.
Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in the bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp....
Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much".
Litter box not there
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink.
The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
time for "Cup Hockey".
We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:31 pm
THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:
1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
COWS - Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION - They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
TEN COMMANDMENTS - The real reason we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse-- You cannot post, "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie," in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians- -it creates a hostile work environment.
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:33 pm
First Grade Oceanography
I drew a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent.
(Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)
A Dolphin breathes through an a*****e on the top of its head.
(Billy age 6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with
crabs.
(Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How
do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 7)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
(Kevin age 6)
There are a lot of suckers in the ocean. The Mafia put them there.
(Russ age 5)
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:36 pm
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court when I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
(put your coffee down.. now)
The old man did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:37 pm
Grandma's driving story
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:37 pm
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail when a tall,
handsome, sexy man walked toward her.
He leaned over and whispered, "I'll do anything,.....
absolutely anything, you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for
$20.00. Just tell me what you want in just three words."
The woman considered for a moment, and pressed a $20 bill in his
hand, looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully
said...."Clean my house."
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:38 pm
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! It's The Twist! It's The Twist! It's called The Twist!"
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:40 pm
A lady and her husband decide to take a vacation to their timeshared lakehome. The husband decides to take a nap, so the wife gets in his fishing boat so she can read a book out on the lake. While reading her book a lake patrolman comes over in his boat. He says to the lady, "There's no fishing allowed on this lake." The lady says, "I know that I'm reading my book as you can see." The man says, "Lady, you say you're not fishing, but you have all the equipment. I'm going to have to arrest you." The lady says, "Fine, and when you take me in I'm going to charge you with rape." The officer says,"I never touched you!" To which the lady replied, "No, but you have all the equipment."
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:41 pm
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?
"The husband looks up from his coffee and solemnly asks, "Do you remember years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16? "The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Why yes, I do", she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" Yes, I remember that too", said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too," she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said. ... "I would have gotten out today."
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:44 pm
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching,
so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.
The gay ranch hand proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every
day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard
side and the ranch was doing very well.
One day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the
ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The
hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for
him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed
each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you'll be fired!"
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:51 pm
The great Southern gentleman and comedian, Jerry Clower often regaled folks with this fishing story:
During a particularly dry spell one year down in the great state of Mississippi, times were hard on folks in many ways, but really bothersome was the fact the good ol' boys just weren't catching any fish. That is, except one guy who drove through town daily with bushels of fresh fish in his truck. The local game warden, being naturally suspicious, demanded to go fishing with the fortunate fellow. He agreed and rowed the warden out to his favorite spot.
The warden barely had time to rig his pole, when he saw the good ol' boy flip a lighted stick of dynamite into the still waters. Ka-Boom....fish floating everywhere. The official was stunned, then indignant. "You just cain't do that, son, it's against the law!", he blustered. Non-plussed, the fisherman calmly picked up another stick, lit it, and handed it to the warden, and said "you'ens gonna arrest me....or FISH?"
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:55 pm
Actual quotes from job evaluations.
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
* I would not breed from this officer.
* He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
* He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
* This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
* Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
* She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
* He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
* This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
* A room temperature IQ..
* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
* A prime candidate for natural deselection.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming
* So dense, light bends around him.
* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:59 pm
Herman was an old mountain man who came down from the hills to join the Army.
The first day they issued him a comb, the next day they cut off his hair.
The next day they issued him a toothbrush, then the dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
The next day they issued him a jockstrap........
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
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