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 Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 10:12 am
A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him". ---You just guess, okay?
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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 10:33 am
Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.
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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 10:36 am
Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 10:39 am
Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out.
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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 10:41 am
Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!
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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 10:43 am
Peter :(to Meg) Remember that pony you wanted when you were 6? Well I've been waitin for a time like this.
(opens closet door and a skeleton of a pony is there)
Peter: Oh, oh god, that's right ponies, ponies like food.
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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 10:50 am
Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter: Um, if by "read" you mean imagined a naked lady, then, yes.
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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 10:52 am
Chris: Dad, what would you say if I told I didn't want to be in the Scouts?
Peter: I'd say, 'Come again?' and I'd laugh as I said, 'Come.'
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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 4:22 pm
Lois: I care about the size of your p***s as much as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter: Oh my God! (runs off crying)
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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 4:24 pm
Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?
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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 4:27 pm
Peter: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living! So we all sing Christmas Carols to lull him back to sleep.
Bob: Outrageous, How dare he say such blasphemy. I've got to do something.
Man: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Bob: Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.
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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 4:30 pm
Yunashiri See the World in a grain of sand And a Heaven in a Wild Flower, Hold Infinity in the Palm of your hand And Eternity in an Hour. --- I don't remember. i dunno but i heard it on Tomb Raider the movie...
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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 4:31 pm
Lois: A woman is not an object.
Peter: Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says.
Lois: Peter!
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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 4:36 pm
Dameon Ember Yunashiri See the World in a grain of sand And a Heaven in a Wild Flower, Hold Infinity in the Palm of your hand And Eternity in an Hour. --- I don't remember. i dunno but i heard it on Tomb Raider the movie... Okies
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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 4:38 pm
Peter: Well, we promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly, but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt.
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