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Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays a soundness of mind that had not been witnessed before. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry."

Why Did the Chicken cross the Road?
Coalition Provisional Authority: The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.

Halliburton: We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.

Muqtada al-Sadr: The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.

US Army Military Police: We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.

Peshmerga: The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.
1st Cav: The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately detained and searched in accordance with current SOP?s. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.

Al Jazeera: The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eye-witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.

Blackwater: We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.

Translators: Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.

U.S. Marine Corps: The chicken is dead.

Navy: The chicken upon crossing the road was painted and lashed to the curb.

Kerry: "The chicken crossed the road before it did not"

Baghdad Bob: The chicken never crossed the road! He is safe in
Baghdad, miles from the marauding vehicles of the infidel! THERE IS NO ROAD!

USAF: "As you can see here in the target video, the bomb was locked onto the chicken...and there it goes...the chicken is still moving...still moving...and unfortunately passed out of the parameters of the guidance system so that the bomb completely missed it and hit the weasel instead. Gotta admit thought, it's impressive footage..."

These are old but still worth a chuckle

Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.

Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.

Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections

Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.

Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. SAG, YOU'RE IT
2. PIN THE TOUPEE ON THE BALD GUY
3. 20 QUESTIONS SHOUTED IN YOUR GOOD EAR
4. KICK THE BUCKET'
5. RED ROVER, RED ROVER, THE NURSE SAYS BEND OVER
6. DOC GOOSE
7. SIMON SAYS SAY SOMETHING INCOHERENT
8. HIDE AND GO PEE
9. SPIN THE BOTTLE OF MYLANTA
10. MUSICAL RECLINERS


SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. YOU SELL YOUR HOME HEATING SYSTEM AT A YARD SALE
2. YOUR HUSBAND JOKES THAT INSTEAD OF BUYING A WOOD STOVE, HE IS USING YOU TO HEAT THE FAMILY ROOM THIS WINTER. RATHER THAN JUST
SAYING YOU ARE NOT AMUSED, YOU SHOOT HIM.
3. YOU HAVE TO WRITE POST-IT NOTES WITH YOUR KIDS NAMES ON THEM
4. THE PHENOBARBITAL DOSE THAT WIPED OUT THE HEAVENS GATE CULT GIVES YOU FOUR HOURS OF DECENT REST.
5. YOU CHANGE YOUR UNDERWEAR AFTER EVERY SNEEZE
6. YOU'RE ON SO MUCH ESTROGEN THAT YOU TAKE YOUR BROWNIE TROOP ON A FIELD TRIP TO THE CHIPPENDALES



SIGNS OF WEAR

"OLD IS WHEN....YOUR SWEETIE SAYS "LET'S GO UPSTAIRS AND MAKE LOVE," AND YOU ANSWER, "PICK ONE, I CAN'T DO BOTH."

"OLD IS WHEN....YOUR FRIENDS COMPLIMENT YOU ON YOUR NEW ALLIGATOR SHOES AND YOU'RE BAREFOOT

"OLD IS WHEN....A SEXY BABE CATCHES YOUR FANCY AND YOUR PACEMAKER OPENS THE GARAGE DOOR

"OLD IS WHEN....GOING BRA-LESS PULLS ALL THE WRINKLES OUT OF YOUR FACE

"OLD IS WHEN....YOU DON'T CARE WHERE YOUR SPOUSE GOES, JUST AS LONG AS YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO ALONG

"OLD IS WHEN....YOU ARE WARNED TO SLOW DOWN BY THE DOCTOR, INSTEAD OF THE POLICE

"OLD IS WHEN...."GETTING A LITTLE ACTION" MEANS I DON'T NEED TO TAKE ANY FIBER TODAY

"OLD IS WHEN...."GETTING LUCKY" MEANS YOU FIND YOUR CAR IN THE PARKING LOT

"OLD IS WHEN...."AN ALL-NIGHTER" MEANS NOT HAVING TO GET UP TO PEE!

"OLD IS WHEN....YOU HAVE TO DO A BACK BEND TO WIPE YOUR SAGGING a**.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going
You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where you parked your car.
Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.
At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
Your back goes out more than you do.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

There was a plague of pigeons in Houston .

The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Houston was
full of pigeon poop.
The people of Houston couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads.
It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can
rid your beautiful city of
its plague of pigeons without cost to the city. But, you must promise not
to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask one question."

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat,
and released a red pigeon. The red pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the
bright blue Texas sky. All the pigeons in Houston saw the red pigeon.
They gathered up behind the red pigeon. The Houston pigeons followed the
red pigeon as she flew eastward out of the city.

The next day the red pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City
Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the red pigeon
had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Houston of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor
presented him with a check for 5 million dollars
and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even
though they had agreed to no fee and the man had
rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to ask
ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

The mayor asked: "Do you have any red Mexicans?"

God Bless America

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00,
now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"

Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." Supervisor gets on the
phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "No s**t! What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at
the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not
having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby
right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had
discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait
awhile.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth
control she planned to use. Her answer was, "the rhythm method."
"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I
plan on using birth control pills," she said. Again he said, "Yes that
will work as long as you don't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on
using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method." After a short
delay, he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date
for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were
pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used
and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow
got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."

He asked the second city gal what me thod she used and she
replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I
didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have
a baby."

He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going
to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a
clue what the pail and saucer method is.. Will you explain it to me as I
see it has worked well for you?"

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am
quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside
down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get
as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him."