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In response to: Tammy-Seignfree - The tale of sand
I've never done an epic poem. I'd immagine it to be taxing, and drawing. I don't really have the attention span to write on the same subject for that long. It's commendable that you do. This is pretty good, but the rhyme scheme is kind of funky. I might be missing something, but all i picked up on was an enternal rhyme every few lines or so. I've never seen anyone do anything like that. That doesn't make it bad necessairily. Just awkward.

In response to: Clairmont - The Consequence of Love
I love impormptu pieces. IT's almost strictly how I write. Things come out better when I don't plan them, I find, because it's more of a surge of emotion, and a rush of consciousness. The only suggestions I make on your piece are: The line "Don't worry, they're on the other side of the door." throws off the rythem of the poem. I'd suggest shortening it to something like "Don't worry, they're behind the door." or something along those lines. Also, I'd suggest breaking "But when I go you must promise me," into 2 lines, "But when I go" and "You must promise me." It seems to me like that would make more sense with the rythem that you set the piece with as a whole.

Writing with rythem takes a while to master. I was fortunate to have naturally had rythem in my words.

In response to : Clairmont - Queen

Very nice. I've not actually seen the movie myself, but I can immagine the ending through your words. As far as suggesting a new title, A Queen's Lament was pretty much the best thing I had on my mind at the time. If you haven't read it already, I posted a piece of mine entitled Electric Veins a day or two ago that kind of ties in with this. I think you'd like it.

You're right. I loved "Electric Veins". It's a nice title too. Titles aren't my specialty, but simply numbering them would be copying. Haha. I'm honored to be this week's spotlight! Thanks. Here's my next one:

Fireworks

One of these days I'm gonna pop.
My body will simply explode,
Much like my heart and
Much like my mind.
My soul will lie next to my watchful
Eyes and my knowing smile.
My organs will decorate the pavement,
The way roses litter their bush.
My blood will spatter the windows,
Employing the window washers.
My Anger will hiss and spit on the passing pedestrians.
My Sadness will simply try to clean her sister,
Sorrow from the pants of a lonely gentleman.
My Virtue will lie screaming next to my Pride,
Wailing about Purity as Serenity tires to quiet her.
Happiness will smile as Bitterness devours the neighbor's dog.
All of this upsets Justice, who was attempting to inspire Nonchalance.
Finally there is Love, the only one who truly lives.
But, just as she emerges from beneath Hate
A tag-team of Sense and Reality beat her back down.
As they kill my Love, she can't help but smile.
As I destroy myself I can't help but love you.


Well there you have it, folks. This one is partially impromptu. Most of it I had already written. See this as a second draft.

That One Kid

You know that one kid that everyone knows but no one really takes the time to get to know them.
Well that’s me. I don’t mind not being brought into every single thing that the cheerleaders and jocks do.
I don’t get high like the stoners and I don’t wear all black like Goths do, actually now that I think about it. I’m the only normal one.
That’s actually funny if you think about it. I mean I’m not like a cheerleader. “Ready? Ok!”
I’m definitely not a jock. “Dude, did you see that sweet 3 pointer last night?”
And I’m definitely not a stoner. “Sweet dope man. (Puff)”
I’m just one of those kid that seem to fill the hallway in those teen movies.
That’s about right. There’s nothing anyone knows about me, not like I want them to…ah the stereotypical teens that walk past me in the halls.
(Starts to think) Maybe I should try getting to know other groups this year or something like that.
Maybe I should turn gangster...no I’ll go on my way and just let the losers be losers.
Peace out homies.

So this is a monologue I wrote for my acting class two years back. So yeah. Kinda describes me. Kinda...

In response to: Orange Hotaru - An Actual Poem razz

Nicely done, indeed. On an off note, this reminds me how long it's been since I painted. I really need to get a new canvas. On a more poem oriented note, that's exactly how I like to invision my poetry, touching the lives of others, helping mix the colours of their paintings as it were.

In response to: Clairmont - Fireworks

You can sort of tell that you wrote this in two parts. The beginning doesn't really have a strong connection to the end. What I think might be a neat idea with this is to personify your body the way you did your emotions, maybe depict your eheart as it explodes and releases Hate and Love into the world, or something of the like. I liked the second half of this ALOT. Especially the line of Justice inspiring Nonchalance. The personifying of human emotions is an idea I almost wish I'd come up with myself.

In response to: Tammy Seignfree - New Clear

I especially like the play on words in the title of this poem. The Nuclear Age becomes the new clear as we spend our efforts trying to forget ourselves, and pretend to be what we are not, working towards inachievable goals. Living merely to work so that we can live. Wow... I seem to have just described myself pretty well. confused In any case, a good eye opener....

In response to: Clever Fool - That One Kid

Did you read Underdeveloped at all? A poem that I posted on the front page that reminds me of this slightly. I could just see this being performed on a stage, or read at Freddies. (The coffie shop my friends and I read at in high school.) ~snaps like a hipster.~ Ooh... that reminds me too. ~Goes to post my monologue in the story thread.~ By the way, if any of you like stories, you should check out poetryrox's short story thread on the writer's board.

Sorry about not giving my feedback, don't worry, as I get more comfortable with the community, I will. It took me a bit on Deviant too...