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 Posted: Sat Nov 27, 2004 11:41 pm
Yes, it has been a while my friends. But I return to you with my third Public Service Announcement.
PSA-On Non-Living Electronic Lifeforms.
You may have seen them. Video Game, Movie, or Anime Characters come to life. While some of these monsters may be funny, or entertaining (See Disneyland) a few of them turn out to be dangerous.
The Non-Living Electronic Lifeform (Or NLEL for short) is usually summoned by a fanboy or girl for purposes of coolness, revenge, or sex. We at the MSU would like to state that anyone who does this will be dealt with in the same fashion as a monster, extreme prejudice. Anyone caught doing this will either be killed on site, captured and tried, or used as a test subject for Jared's experiments. (Which is worse than death.)
Some people have trouble telling a LNEL from a Cosplaying Yiffer. It can be difficult, but if you follow these rules you will find out.
1. Hair. Color-Some Cosplayers dye there hair to look like one of these freaks. Dyed hair will show roots, and will more than likely be temporary. This is usually revealed due to the heat of costumes. If you see dye dripping off of someone's head then it is a safe bet that they are just a creepy human. Some more hardcore fanatics will permanently dye there hair, If this is the case look to see if the hair is damaged, frayed, or straighter than normal. Keeping your hair blue takes some effort and time. The result will damage the hair. NLELs will almost always have odd colored hair that never gets messed up. Take that hack Cloud for example. He is running around fighting all the time, yet his hair never moves. This is unnatural.
2. Eyes. Sure, you could use contacts, but they will start to hurt after a while. If the person has cat eyes or something similarly stupid, they are a NLEL. Eye color also plays a part. Purple, silver, and black eyes are not natural. Baby blue and off-white with no pupils indicates blindness. If you see someone with these eye colors walking around without the aid of something, report to your local MSU agency at once.
3. Disproportionate body types. If there head is bigger than their torso, this is a NLEL, or Napoleon Bonaparte. Either way, contact us, and we will take care of the problem.
4. Clothes. If someone always wears the same clothes, yet never smells bad, then the clothes are not natural. This is a big give away in telling if it is a cosplaying yiffer, or a NLEL. Again, contact us and we will take care of it.
5. Never taking a "Duke." Real people defecate. If the person can eat a ten course meal, down three bottles of merlot, and not take a piss, then they have something wrong with them. That something is usually NLEL.
6. Pixilating. If the person or thing starts to pixilate, they are definitely a NLEL. Other give aways are frame skipping, lag, and out of sync vocals.
If you think that the said person, monster, taco is a NLEL, then contact the MSU posthaste. You never can tell with these guys. Sometimes (See Sepheroth) these guys go down in a single punch to the kidneys. Other times (See Yogi the Bear) it takes nuclear blasts and a wish spell to take them down.
To Dale and Bamber
Freeze...
Floor is Lava...
(Burn you ******** is not lava.
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Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 8:48 pm
And because I finished this earlier but didn't get to post it until now, here is Banshi's first mocking pseudo-PSA about our silly nooblet enemies. Remember, only you can prevent stupidity from killing you. ^_^ Mike Loneheart Mike Loneheart Age:16 Race: Seraphim Angel Rank: The Heavenly Light Powers: Most of his powers are still unknown to him because he's so young but you'll see them if you fight him. Divion: council, and elite. Banshi says: I think this one is cute. ^_^ I suggest dealing with this one civilly for as long as possible since he really poses no threat. Krstalian Misuyanashi name: Krstalian Misuyanashi age: about 23 posistion: Leader of protection/council race: 1/2 hell demon 1/2 vampire powers/weapons: Ninea(hell fire bladed katana) Sheeko (hell ice fire bladed katana) Soul Keeper (staff with a blue crystal which no one has ever seen) healing fire throwing and unlocked power Banshi says: This one is silly. ^_^ Half demon/half vampires are silly creatures. Her arsenal of weaponry is both inexplicable and stupid. I suggest ignoring this one until she learns that ice and fire do not a sword make, and that healing fire throwing is either poor grammar or a stupid power. Kovash Name-Kovash Race-n/a Age- n/a Postion-Hitmen Weapon- none Banshi says: Don't worry about this hit man, he is not available. ^_^ infernus massor name: infernus massor (latin for hellish reaper) age: unknown but is over 2500 yrs old [looks to be 18] race: ucosia (lupinus eagle demon) forms: ucosia, demigod of distruction, wereucosia, and human fighting still: shadow ninjutsu weapons: black night (a katana that is black and has electricity around it), 2 ninja-to, and double quidoshi powers: ice, lightening, light + dark energy, portals, ki, and healing Banshi Says: Lupinus eagle demon? Is that like a wolf-bird? Because that is silly. ^_^ A black lightning katana, a bunch of forms, and more magical powers than I can count on one hand? I suggest ignoring this silly goose until he learns to specialize. Jezz Shirokori Name: Jezz Shirokori Age: 1800 years+ Race Elf. (half Sylvan elf and half Moon elf) Powers: One of the few Elvish Healers who can perform an array of powerful cures and still command summons of great power. She can call upon elements and manipulate all of them. Her Greatest Powers are Magics Summons, Prayers and Cures. Weapons: A Emerald Staff given to her by Anguls that boosts Magic. A Elvish Long Sword. Two Elvish Daggers, a Swords Handle that can be used with Element Summons to make a blade from any element she picks. A White Orb given to her by Giz Kun that enable her to make any weapon she pleases from it. An array of different kinds of healing orbs. Division: Sanctuary Council Member/ Healer. Banshi says: She seems dealable so long as she doesn't go overboard with her summony things. Oh, and orbs are silly. ^_^ Heidel Name : Wolfwaker Age : Unknown Race : Wolf, Werewolf and Human Weapon : A long 6 ft blade made of hard steel and blessed with the powers of Fire, wind, water and earth Powers : I can do earth spells, make a blinding ball of light, can summon wolves from anywere, turn two wolvs into one werewolf and many more Division : Trained Assassin Banshi says: Werewolves are cute. ^_^ I suggest treating him just like you would any other fuzzy beast. Watch out for that sword though, it looks like it may have more bite than he does. Kante kirahara Name:Kante Kirahara Age:Eh.....Not too sure anymore.... Race biggrin emon Signature moves:None really.....Most techniques vary during battle and many are forgotten over time....Though a large percentage of attacks are fire or darkness based.... Weapon of choice:Mostly large swords.....But he can use any type of bladed weapon.Most used sword-Hades Revenge,a large falchion-like blade. Banshi says: Just your run of the mill demon girl. She likes swords and has a penchant for fire and darkness. I am quite confidant that the MSU can handle this one. ^_^ Vessago Wolfspirit Name: Vessago Wolfspirit Age: 600 years (looks 25) Race: Vampire/ Werewolf Weapons: Natural claws and fangs, and twin tojo blades (hand held buzz saws) concealed within his sleeves. Also equipped with bladed silver-baller pistols, and a gas powered, rapid-firing crossbow. Never leaves home without Shadowfang (see below). Powers: Strength, agility, and developing pychic powers. His werewolf heritage allows him to shapeshift into a wolf man, and Vessago's animal senses, such as hearing, night vision, and smell are well developed Banshi says: Vampire werewolves are not cute, as a matter of fact, they are stupid. ^_^ So the boy has buzz saws in his sleeves, bladed pistols, and a gas powered crossbow eh? Seems like he is trying to compensate for something. Oh, and I saw that "Shadowfang" thing, do not be afraid. Even if it could be wielded properly, I doubt it could ever really cause any harm. MistressNight Name:Emari Naradia Code name: Mistress Night Age: a woman never tells but i look 20 Race: Phoenix/Shadow demon/ kitsume Powers: Fire (a range of colors) angelic healing (thanks to starr) shadows, shape changing (needs to be devloped more) Weapons: a dagger whip, twin jewel daggers, Banshi says: Silly nooblet, everyone knows that Phoenixes an shadow demons can't mate, and even if they did, would you honestly subject a poor little kitsune to having to birth the second generation? Anyway, her powers leave much to be desired.....I mean, come one, colored fire? Seeing as how this one seems to be ignoring the simple slaws of monster ecology and is just plain silly, we should do our best to follow her lead and ignore her as well. ^_^ Cyana Name: Cyana Sirena Age: 350 Race: pureblood Siren Powers: can control the molacules of water, in water. can change form from human to mermaid, can warp from one body of water to another, and allow others to breath and talk in water as if it was air. Weapons: two daggers given to me by anguls Banshi says: I always liked sirens, they are kinda like banshees. ^_^ You best watch out for this one......seriously......I mean it.......really. She can control the molecules in water which is sad because if I had the choice I would just choose to control water and be done with it. Worst of all, she has dagger gifted to her by anguls.......I'm not sure what an angul is but it sounds like an odd type of fish. Anyway, be on your guard, this one is a killer. ^_^ ShadowStarr Name:Nekoda Naradia Code name: Shadowstarr Age: 500+ Race: Neko/shadow demon/angel/human Powers: shadow, angelic healing and protection, cat like hearing reflex and sight. Weapons: twin jewel daggers, a black katana and a blue katana Banshi says: Here's another silly nooblet that can't do the math. Either her parents and grand parents were freaky weird, or this girl is freaky impossible, and you know what that means; ignorance is bliss. ^_^ On a side note, what is with these silly nooblets and colored weapons? Swords are made of steel, which is gray, and sometimes shiny. Giving a cool weapon some bad color job only makes it look stupid. ^_^ Jeg Shin name: Jeg -Lord of incarnates- (angelic name is Shin) age: unknown looks about 25 race: Incarnate fallen arch angel powers: Chaos energy (more versital then magic due to the fact that most attacks don't require an incantation). being as Chaos energy is made up of dark and light energy, Jeg can use them both seperately. Jeg does have magic but doesn't use it much. Jegs ultimate skill is the use of Fissures (if you need to know what that is or how it work hit me up and i will explain.) other stuff: Jeg only carries 1 weapon a Katana style sword that he calls Abidon. Abidon is a divine sword ((meaning it can't be broken)) that steals the energy of those it injurs. this is due to the fact that the sword can strike at the soul aswell as the body when the blade glows red. Jeg can when needed summon his 6 wings of an Arch Angel. These wings give him increased speed, strength, power, ect but in exchange his body ages at an excellerated rate once he reverts back. The only other Angelic power to carry over was his eyes. what they do is a secret but they also serve to show that he is condemd Banshi says: Silly angel guy, when will you learn that your powers are poorly defined and that you are an oxymoron, with an emphasis on moron. ^_^ Not only is this guy inconceivable to all but the most depraved, he also seems to have his wires crossed. Chaos energy is not made up of darkness and light, chaos is neither good nor evil, it just exists to be balanced by law and order. Secondly, he is, or was, and arch angel. Why does this little nooblet carry a blessed katana? Last I checked, katanas were from China and Japan, two of the least Christian countries I can think of right now. Until he does his research, it will be in his best interest if we ignored him. ^_^ anguls kushinoda name: Anguls Kushinoda age: o'er 8000 yrs (looks to be in mid 20's) race: naturaly born chaos werewolf, thats been turned into a vampire powers: anicent magices and energies, white/black/chaos/elemental magics and energies, w powers still unknown specail ablities:special moves sad read proper jouranl post for info) the 8 celserail gates attack shadow copy no jutse animal enducing tatoo (left arm) 12 star control (right arm) seal relase (back) transformations: yoko-anguls--evil half, seeks power (read proper journal post) tribal-anugls--good half, punsishes sinful ppl (read proper journal post) finale-anguls--nutral half, seeks his place (not yet done) weapons:tri-blade o' the sea, dragon sword o' darklight, wooden sword o' the spirt, ime-masha, beasts sword, crsyal staff, staff o' dark hope, morhping handle, right armlet, left armlet..he has others but the r the main ones ((info in my journal)) uniquie items sad read proper journal posts for info on all but the ring and collar) ring:this rings is a red opel thats embeded into silver that rests on his right pinky..grants him emense elemtal control collar:the collar on his neck cuts his natural skills and powers in half so as to train him (the collar cuts his ture power and skills to 1/4) carried on him:ime-masha on his back, surikens & kuni on his right leg carried on the belt:the silver armlets, fire & ice guanlets, sound guanlet, crystal staff, morphing handle carried on hidden vest:talismens, amulet stones, attribute stones, magic stones other stuff: posses the 6 mystic orbs, the legendary saint beasts armor and swords (finel forms, w there powers), and other unknown lendary and mysical items from all o'er pets: 2 volsas one grey one white, 1 black uzing, 1 baby dragon ((info in my journal)) Banshi says: You, sir, are just another silly vampire werewolf that needs a hug. Underworld was not cool and neither are you. ^_^ I think it best to ignore this one until he learns to control his micromanaging and play something that isn't inane and stupid. Huntress Miya NAME: Miya ((her last name is unknown even to herself)) AGE: 19 looking RACE: half vampire, half elven ((to be simple about it...^^)) ABILITIES: despite her knowledge of basic martial arts she tends to use her speed and flexibility most in combat. that and kickboxing although some martial arts may be used. she is also telekinetic and telepathic and has awesome control most of the time. however she sometimes get heaaches that make random chairs go flying across the room and shatter on the wall.....you have been warned. in her eyes her vampiricy is not a strength so your safe unless you really manage to piss her off. currently she is developing her pyrokinesis so you all have that to look forward to! Banshi says: I like her, she kept it simple, if silly. ^_^ So your vampiricy is not a driving force in your unlife eh? Then why did you bother to even write it down? She seems like a nice girl, she just needs someone to teach her that being part vampire is only a liability. Oh, and get her some ice for that headache thing she's got, I don't want to loose any chairs. ^_^ PyroSama Name: Aestus Ferveo a.k.a PyroSama age: 700+ race: Fire Elf powers: has the ability to manipulate fire and form things using fire multiple colors of fire. Those are just some of my powers but for now the rest shall remain hidden Banshi says: I'm glad you plan on keeping your other powers hidden little nooblet, because I lost interest in you at "Pyrosama." ^_^ He's not as bad as some of the others though he seems to be interested in coloring up his fire........as if pink fire burns any different that sapphire or tope. Ryu_chan Name: Ryu_chan age: About 17 race: Half-elf(Her father was a human) Weapons: Her father's kodachi, and Elemental magik. Banshi says: I like her, she's cute. ^_^ All in all this one isn't so bad, though I do wish that people would stop tossing in eastern swords where they don't belong; like in the hands of little half elf girls seeking vengeance. ^_^ Monoko Kushinoda Name: Monoko Kushinoda Age: over 8000 years old Position: Healer Race: Werewolf Banshi says: Yay, another cute little werewolf! ^_^ I suggest silver, and lots of it. ^_^ Ony Yuki Name: Katch Age: you dont need to know that race: badger demon powers: higher illusioins and shadow magic....included with her normal demony stuff...like turning into elephant sized demon badgers and stomping on you...stuff like that. weapon: a hellsilver lance that seemingly comes from inside her body Banshi says: ......I'm sorry, badger demons and projectile lances? I'm laughing too hard to continue......moving on to the next one. ^_^ Lord Shinta Name: Shinta Sanada Nickname: Shin Age: 29 Race: Hell Fire Demon Powers: Power of Adnormally Hot Fire, and Flight. Banshi says: Finally, they are starting to get a little more reasonable........for nooblets. ^_^ Three words: get the hose. ^_^ Tohjiro Misuyanashi Name: Tohjiro Misuyanashi- "The Demon Blade of Kyoto" Age:29 Race: Hanyou (Half Human-Half Demon) Weapons: Natural Fangs, Claws, And Onigumo: A Daito-Katana (Katana Long Sword...Like Sephiroths) Embued with Dark Energy, named after the Spider Demon Bandit... It has the power to summon small Demon Spiders to do his bidding, Entrap his foes/victims in a spirit web, (which slowly drains its inhabitants of their soul and life energy)....He also carries on him various daggers, and wakazashi called Tokagero, and a standard Katana called Harusame, embued with Lightning Elemental Powers....It can summon storms, and bolts of pure Blue lightning...... (Oh, and he can also wield Tenseiga, and Toukijin, but not Tetsusaiga...because he has slightly more demon blood then Kaji) Banshi says: What is it with these people and naming their weapons? I suggest ignoring this one until he learns to pick one thing, and go with it. The b***h D Name: Ariah Weles Age: 300+ (looks around 19) Race: Vampyr Weapons: Ariah carries with her an earring on her right ear that when commanded by her can be turned into a scythe. A weakness of the scythe is the time between when she commands it and when it turns theres a couple of seconds interference. Ariah also carries with her a very long chain that wraps around her middle then wraps around bother her arms. At the end of the chain on both sides are sharp cicle like things that when hit by them causes plenty of damage. Banshi says: I swear, another vampire type character with no real vampiric powers? Why can't people be satisfied with being an awesome human anymore? And why not spell it correctly? Just because you added a "y" doesn't mean you won't die any faster. I suggest the usual retort to vampires; just let them know that the MSU is usually a night free zone. ^_^ The Demon Kajiroto-maru Name: Kajiroto-maru "Kaji" Misuyanshi Age:28 Race: Hanyou (Half Human-Half Demon) Weapons/Powers: Weapons: Toukijin- The sword of my Father, Lord Sesshoumaru, has the power to kill a hundred Men, or Demons in a single swing... BloodReign: A mythical nearly 6ft. long, Flame-red bladed Nodachi.. That is embued with the powers of a Fire Elemental called Ragnarok...and wielded in the right hands, the user can Summon Ragnarok into the physical plain. Claws, Fangs, Has the ability to dissolve things with a swipe of his taloned hand, by using his Fathers technique.."Demon Poison Claw" and Having Soul-melded with his Grandfather, The Great Inu-Taoyoukai..Kaji is way more powerful than he was before..... He can wield both Toukijin and Tetsusaiga with Expertise, and Utilize Tenseiga with the same profficiency... He can also utilize the famed "Windscar" with both Toukijin, and Tetsusaiga...the latter currently broken, and in need of repair by Totosai Banshi says: Not another one! Stop naming your weapons; it doesn't make them any cooler. I suggest bullets........lots of them. Show him why only silly nooblets bring a sword to a gunfight. ^_^ Zan Hikuro Name~ Zan Hikuro (First name Hikuro) Race~ Demon Position~ Paladin of the Sanctuary Powers~Test me to see them and, I shall gurantee you wouldst see them only once. Weapons~ Ookami Ganwotareru- A slightly enlarged katana with small modifications to the blade. Nonda Linda- An elvish sword he holds dear, it is swift and strong. It can cut through almost anything, it being aligned with some sort of diamond type material. The rest of his weapons consist of Two custom enlarged Sais almost the length of an arm, a Drowish dagger, and shuriken. Banshi says: Silly nooblet, you need a hug. ^_^ Once again we have a case of silly people thinking silly things. Katanas and elvish swords? Sais and drowish daggers? For someone who is neither a samurai, ninja, nor elf, he sure does enjoy their toys. I'm pretty sure most anyone in the MSU could take him on and win so be sure to give him a hug before you send him home. ^_^ Inu_yashay Name:Inu Race: Half shadow/ hell demon, half vampire Wepon: The blade that suposedbly by legend holds the wrath of hell Ability(s): Most shadow powers, most fire magic, all the powers of hell Banshi says: Silly helly shadow demon guy, don't you know a demon is a demon is a demon is a demon........and that none of the above is a vampire? I suggest a flashlight......and maybe a hose. At least this one was cool enough not to slap a name on his silly sword. ^_^ The_Hatter_is_Mad name: The hatter race: Half vampire, Half shard demon powers: control chaos, control energy, eternal life Weapons:devil pitchfork that was given to me by my father, shento an enchanted katana with diamond shards on the edge and the ability to cut through anything. Banshi says: Silly demon, vampires can't have kids, and demons don't have shards. ^_^ Ignore this one, she seems to be under the illusion that she can control chaos.......I'll say that again; she thinks she can control chaos. Anyway, best not to think about her or your brain might explode. ^_^ Azriel_Tesoln Name: Azriel Tes'oln Weapons: Doska and Askaru- Twin Elven forged blades he stole from the High Council of the Elves. Embued with the power of Blood Magic'k and Wind Magic'k. Drakken- Demon forged b*****d sword Race: Vampyre Powers: He can use the arts of Blood Magic'k, and the arts of Wind Magic'k. He also can tap into the ancient Vampyric Powers of Trenyona (my attempt at making a female Vampyre name laugh all you want) and Koric Na'latiel Mestonra, two of the most powerful Ancients that are documented in the Vampyric History Banshi says: Silly wampyre. ^_^ See it sounds cool when I change a letter too. ^_^ Anyway, I admit I don't know very much about Vampyric History, but I do know my fair share of Vampiric History and it says that you need to stop changing letters around as you see fit. ^_^ Raulnor Name: Raulnor Age: 15 Race: Human Weapons: "Fayte" - One custom-sword which hangs at his side. It is a blade about two inches longer than a standard longsword, with a slightly shorter width. The blade is reinforced with whisps of mythril and admantine thrown in the creation, making it sturdy and agile. The handle has a mythril chain, with a green leaf hanging off the bottom. Magic: "False Identity" - Wings sprout from his back, enormous wings. With a quick flap, and whip motion, he shoves all the feathers towards the enemy in a spray shot. The feathers each turn into a needle, and explode on contact with anything. The wings disappear, and are not useable in any other function. Special Attacks: Slews of combos with a sword, and special teamwork combos with Zan and/or Ani. Banshi says: This one's cute, can I keep him? ^_^ Not much to say here, he's human though he's got some weird powers and another stupidly named sword. ^_^ Isaac90 name: Isaac [Real name unknown] age: 21? race: Demon Fox weapons of choice: Best while using a long sword and short sword, but is also a fairly good marksman. powers: Can form his spirit energy into meta-physical bolts of energy, which can cause twice as much damage as a cannon, when un-charged. Banshi says: He's cute, he's fuzzy, and he's got a sword or two! ^_^ Can I get a show of hands, who was the last person around here to shave a fox boy? Nobody? Awesome, that means I get to be the first! ^_^ Lurian Guardian Hyndor Name: Hyndor Race: Lurian, other wise he is part elf, dragon, vampire, lycan (werewolf), and human. His most dominant however would have to be his vampire blood. Weapons: Dragonlance, Bloodrunners (double daggers), Angel's Nightmare and Demon's Dream (double katanas), Heartseeker (giant axe), Crimson Hands (knuckles) (prefers to use his hands and magic in combat) Magic: Anima (nature), Dark, Light, Elemental control (excels at controlling air and water), Time Control Banshi says: You are too impossible to exist. ^_^ *Kisses nooblet on the nose and flicks him on the forehead.* Ignore this one, he is too impossible to exist. ^_^ Kain Reaver name: Kain Reaver race: 1/2 night elf, 1/2 demi-god (of lighting) weapons: thunder pike, lighting sword powers:power of lightning Banshi says: Quick simple and to the point. I like this one. ^_^ He's a half elf and half of a demi-god (1/4 god?). I don't see how he will cause us any real trouble.......unless he can make it rain, then I'll be angry if my flowers drown. Vincentx43 Name: Vincent Pheonix Race: higher Demon Weapon: Hell's Edge: 5ft long blade, Glows red, cuts through any thing, and made in Dragon Flame. Powers: Rune Magic, Healing, Resurrection, Elemental magic, Creation magic....ex. makeing crystals form..., Artifact use, and classical demon powers like flight. Banshi says: Silly demon, your sword can't cut through everything, what if it hits a shield that cannot be broken? He's a demon, he's silly, and he'll die like the rest. ^_^ levih_rah Name: levih rah Race: 1/2 fox, 1/2 wolf Weapon: mushrambo Powers: wind and fire Transformation: when he unsheaths mushrambo, undergoes a a slight transofrmation, its nothing big just every thing bout him doubles as long as the sword is unsheathed Banshi says: Silly cute thing, you are half fox and half wolf; you don't even have the opposable thumbs necessary to use a sword. ^_^ I suggest we call a nice animal shelter. ^_^ Shokushu Name: Shoku Nick: Man-Reika Age The perfect age for all occasions. Or maybe indeterminate. Ya, probably indeterminate. Not because it would be hard but because noone wants to. Race: Every rac `cause itz sow cool too be half-sumthin so I'm 1/218th of everthein. I no ther r mohr than 218 things but ei grup thme togeter. Weapons: Glowing orb #1: I hold this theen in mai hend an eit cn chage shayp too be eny uv yur wepons cuz I kil yu alll. I prefur too pairs of short longswords, like a ninja but better, cause that's how I em. Abilities: I CONTROL POWER GREATER THAN THE GREATEST THINGS YU KNO! IT'S GOLDEN AND BRIGHT/DARK AND IS BETTER THAN YOURS. Level seven cooking. +2 damage to people who don't get it. Fighting Stylzzz:IE EM TEH MASTR UV ICE FIRE KATANAS! Hip martial art style of the week. hitting someone really hard in the face with stuff I pick up. Banshi says: Silly Sho, you're the greatest. ^_^ *Hugs Sho*
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Posted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 7:39 pm
Public Service Announcement
-How to Survive in a Vacuum-
So, Nathan the Red and I were eating dinner earlier... pasta with meat-sauce and some fresh veggies for me (hey, if you'd seen the selection of meat, you would have too) and an overcooked hotdog with some rank nachos for him. I had just finished pointing out that there was a mysterious message written inside one of the light fixtures (it said "HERE"... but I didn't feel like going over there, so that will henceforth remain a topic that I don't care about) when we began talking about how high the temperature in the room was... in degrees Kelvin (F = ( K * 1.8 ) - 459.67).
After some discussion about the nature of Absolute Zero, I postulated to my friend, "What, do you suppose, is the temperature in the singularity of a black hole?" And, not having any readily available concrete data between the two of us, I figured that somebody would have to go in and find out.
However, since most black holes are very far away, we figured that the first step would be to create a black hole close by, so as to eliminate the rather harrowing process of inventing a method of long distance space travel. And, it just so happened, I had concocted a plan to craft a local black hole approximately a week prior to this discussion during a time when my rationale was crippled by an eviscerating sort of insomnia.
The theory is fairly simple.
A black hole is any amount of matter crunched into zero space, thus making it infinitely small and infinitely dense. So, a black hole is, as Jared once pointed out to me, the physical outcome of the equation 1/0.
So, I decided that, if one was playing golf and managed to get a hole in zero (a = 1, therefore a hole in zero = 1/0), a black hole would instantaneously be formed on the green.
It was at this point that we realized two things. One was that we weren't entirely sure how to go about getting a hole in zero (due to an underwear/profit catch). The second was a thought that had finally quested through the dark, twisted labyrinth of my mind and reached the golden light of day: Black Holes = Bad.
Okay, bad idea. However, since the plan was already on the table, we just continued along similar lines.
How could you escape if somebody actually managed to shoot a zero?
You need to be able to jump very high, or fly very fast. Either one, really... as long as you can jump/fly with enough force to escape Earth's gravity... and thensome (This obviously assumes that you have already honed a danger sense that would allow you to begin your escape before the black hole had formed). The goal here is to get in a stable orbit around the Black Hole, far enough away that a longshot rescue attempt wouldn't end in the death of your saviors.
And, don't let Copernicus fool you... go for an ellipse! Not only does an elliptical orbit offer more stability, but it's far ends offer safer rescue opportunities for anybody that might be inclined to do so. It also has fewer carbs, without sacrificing flavor.
Secondly, you need to be able to survive without oxygen.
As with any addiction, the "need" to breathe can be defeated by force of will alone. If, however, you don't feel up to the task, encouragement from other people who have felt your pain and survived it is can do worlds of good. Astral Samurai and I both have been through it, and we'll be sure share our own caring words of wisdom and compassion.
Remember the Oxygen Anonymous motto: "Why don't you cry about it some more? You damn'd air junkies make me sick!"
Once your withdrawal symptoms have quited down to a managable din, you are ready for the difficult part of this scenario... surviving in a vacuum.
This is not as simple as it sounds.
As everybody knows, human beings explode in a vacuum. Earth's atmoshere exherts a certain amount of pressure on the human body, which keeps this from happening while you're buying groceries or playing Scrabble... but up in space, BOOM!
Now, most people utilize the Space Suit Method. You encapsulate yourself inside of a durable material and fill it with atmosphere, thus saving yourself from a gruesomely eruptive expiration.
This is wrong.
Not only does a space suit limit your mobility, but it gives you a massive weakness; If the suit goes, so do you! You're a human being for cryin' out loud! You have enough weaknesses as it is!
The true solution is... stop trying to explode!
Think about it: The vacuum of space has no ill will against you. It's not out to get you. The problem is that your body is always trying to explode. The Earth, however, will have none of that. So, as long as you stay within the planet's protective blankie, you'll snug as a bug. But the instant that you try to assert your independence... Ka-SPLOOSH!
Nobody's fault but your own.
Stop trying to explode!
Not only will it keep you save in outer space, it will allow you to appear to lose a great deal of weight... because you'll no longer be pushing back against the crushing force of our atmosphere.
Will it hurt? Like a b***h! But no pain, no gain. So, I don't want to hear any lip about it, ya bunch of whiners. You continue to make me sick!
Look at me! Do you think I've always been the skinny guy I am today?
Well, I'd like to see you prove it!
As far as you know, I've lost not only width, but height and depth as well. Sure, your density will increase, but what's so bad about that? Hello... can you say, "Rock hard abs"?
And that's all you need to survive the sudden appearance of a black hole on Earth.
And remember -- Only you can prevent ignorance from killing you.
...
Oh, and try not to burn or freeze to death.
ninja
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Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 10:32 am
Commentary: On Shooting a Hole In Zero
The concept of shooting a hole in zero boggles the mind, true. However, there are certain loopholes in the game of golf that allows a player to achieve the feat.
The term "Hole in one" and thus "Hole in zero" are shortened forms of the phrase "Ending play on a hole by making the ball go in the hole in one stroke [or zero strokes]." Thus to make a Hole in Zero, the ball would have to make its way from the tee box to the hole without the player making a forward movement of the club made with the intention of striking at and moving the ball.
First, something must move the ball other than the player's club. Of course, the player himself cannot be the agency to this motion, or else he will incur a penalty stroke. The wind cannot be the first thing to move the ball, otherwise it would be required that the ball be replaced, unless the ball is then lost. This would require it falling into some cup of opaque liquid which is then grabbed by another person who runs to a car. The ball may then be dropped to determine the new location, which no normal person would do as the rules allow for a re-tee in this bizarre circumstance. We, however are trying for a different thing altogether.
The ball must be dropped and land no closer to the hole than it was, and no more than two club-lengths away from the original spot. It must come to absolute rest very close to two club lengths away, enough that the player may elect to measure. While measuring, the player must then tap the ball in the measurement. The ball is then in motion and does not require replacement; this is the only way such a movement is possible.
While the ball is in motion, an outside agency must then accidentally move the ball to the hole. The ball, being thus moved, is played where it lies, and is in the hole without a stroke being taken. Thus, a hole in zero has been achieved and a black hole will instantly be formed on the green.
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Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 10:21 am
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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