Welcome to Gaia! ::

thanks wolf ^^ur so kind, not like dream

yep! i got to see my pretty halo on top of golden blonde hair, and the little innocent twinkle in my green-blue eyes biggrin

Okay, don't take this the wrong way, I just want to help. First off, before I get into corrections, I want to say, its' a good plot, deffinatly got the reader going (I read it to Kei herself and she likes it too ^^) so you've done a good job, I just want to give you some helpful ideas okay? Here's some miner corrections I did to you're story and I'll provide reasons as to why I did that okay? My corrections are in red, you're story (unchanged) is just plain black okay? My suggestions are also in red but the changed words or phrases are bold.

The owner will never even notice that an apple is gone,(I changed it to iltalics because it sounded more like she was thinking it rather then saying it allowed - also, I changd the sentence so the "she told herself" was part of it as well, it's not a complete sentence by itself.) she told herself. She continued walking through the town munching on her dinner. Even though the streets were crowded with people walking along in their happy, busy lives, nobody paid any attention to Kei. (I got rid of starting the sentence off with "she" you do that WAY too much, makes it a little dull to the reader - I changed the sentence a bit, made it smoother sounding.) Blending into the crowd almost perfectly with her forest green short-sleeved shirt, black pants, and black elbow-length gloves. Her hair appeared to be light brown in the sun she was walking in. When her hair is washed and flat on her back it is actually a golden blonde color and goes halfway down her back. It’s only brown now because she hasn’t been able to take a bath or shower in over six months. In the place they took her, she received a shower once a week. Now though, she has to find things like rivers or streams to wash herself so she’s never truly clean, not that she minds. As she finished off her apple, her mind started thinking about when she was younger and she was still the happy, naïve, little child that loved to please her family.

(I changed this to italic as well because it's memories, it was rather confusing at first to have it just suddenly jump back)“Kei, want to help me make dinner?” Kei’s mother asked her six-year-old self.
(also, everytime someone else starts talking ALWAYS start a new paraghraph, no matter how short it is)“Yeah!” she yelled running over to her mom.
“First we have to wash our hands.” Her mom said with a big smile on her face. Kei had a smile to match her mother’s as her mom picked her up.

As she finished washing her hands her dad came in and picked her up to give her a kiss on the cheek. “How’s my baby girl today?” he asked her.
“Good.” She answered while giggling.
“Hey Kei! Want to go play?” her ten-year-old brother asked as he walked in.
Kei looked at her mom who nodding in approval(it explains why Kei looked at her mom). “Yes!” she yelled excitedly(it gives more feeling to the story to know how they did things, what's more interesting to read? "She yelled", or She yelled angerly" or "She growled in rage").

Kei gave a sad smile as she remembered her family before everything started happening. She ("she's" doesn't make sense while "has" does, if you want to really perfect your grammer, read it allowed to yourself you'll fix problems like using "it's" where you should have used "its" two entirely different meanings)has changed a lot from the little girl she once was. Letting [or you could say "Releasing" but then you'd get rid of "out" sounds better](once again, you started with she, if you used "she", "Kei" or "her" as a beginning for the previous sentence, then use something else) out a small sigh as she reached the outer part of the town. She wished so much to return to the time when she was little.

i heart u!! i've been waiting FOREVER for someone to help me!!! when my friends read my story at school they usually just say its great or its ok but they dont tell me what to change and when they do they dont tell me HOW. like what u did with the starting off with she thing!! i'm not mad at all i'm actually very happy mrgreen