Welcome to Gaia! ::

Yup. Time for me to share some random facts about myself, for I am bored.

1. I own two stuffed animals.
2. I'm an artist that's never tried to draw porn.
3. I have a bag of Friskies cat treats on my desk.
4. I like to drink my coffee in the shower.
5. I like flat Sprite.
6. My favorite food is from taco bell.
7. I really crave pizza hut right now.
8. My room's a freaking mess right now and I should probably clean it.
9. I use 3 drawing books. One for avi arts/random crap, one for original art, one for super secret and emotional drawings.
10. I can't sleep without a fan on.
11. When I pop my back it sounds like a thunder storm.
12. I keep a journal irl, and I've filled up 17 composition books within the past 5 years.
13. I find it unbearably hard to trust people.
14. Bagel Bites taste better out of the microwave oven than they do out of a microwave.
15. I take 2 showers a day.
16. My neck itches right now.
17. I have a total of 7 sprite cans in my room.
18. I have a total of 6 glasses, 3 plates, and 1 bowl in my room.
19. I have an empty Reese's icecream carton, two packs of reese cups, and a bag of apple chips in my room.
20. I'm going to shut up now. ninja

cool heart

...Okay, so I deal with my problems a little bit differently. Well, different from the people I know irl, at least. I tend to de-socialize and stay away from communication (except for on gaia and when it comes to my boyfriend). Why, though? Because when I have my own problems, I don't want to hear about everyone else's constant bickering about their own shitty life. I deal with them enough as it is, and I can never really get a word in edge-wise when I feel like I need to talk about something. Like with Shan, she's always too busy bitching her mouth off about how her boyfriend does this, or her family does this, or how no one even cares about her anymore. I know, shan, I hear about it every ******** day. (Shan's one of my best friends, btw. ) Maybe I just give her too much credit for her age.

I don't like to talk to people when I feel like this, is it such a big deal? What, do they all need my constant attention? They all start to think I hate them or that I could give a rats a** about them if I don't talk to them for longer than two days. At least I feel like I can come around mech when I'm like this and not kill anyone. Maybe it's because I don't think I'll hurt any of you when I'm spilling out small amounts of truth from time to time. Or maybe it's because I know none of you will start shooting me down with your own problems when I'm trying to talk about my own. (Of course, I do still listen to your problems and try to give whatever advice/comfort I can offer.)

Hmm. That leaves me with three sources of comfort: My mom, though I don't speak out loud about some problems. As long as she's there, she's a source of comfort. My boyfriend's there. He'll always listen to my problems no matter what or how ridiculous they are and comfort me. There's nothing like his warm voice saying, "I love you." And then there's mech! Online friends that are as insane and goofy as I am--well, I dunno about the insane part. <3

[/rant]

Yeah. If you're still reading this, I heart you. But now I'll go on to why I'm feeling depressed and anti-social. Ehh.. it's the whole college thing. It makes me think that I'm having to give up most of my freedom--well, the freedom that I had while I was in High school, anyway. ( I feel old saying that. ;-; ) I'm going to have less time, and less energy. And after I have to deal with the s**t in college, I'll have to sell my soul to an employer. stare What's depressing me the most: Less time to draw.

Another source of the depression: I feel like my dream of becoming a great comic book artist will never come true. u__u I have a list of dreams in my journal somewhere. *digs through pile of composition books* Gah, can't find it. My major dream right now is to get like.. 100k page view on dA. <__< Yeah, that's a long ways off. I'll be jumping and screaming the day I hit 10k. sweatdrop

okay okay. I'm done. I heart you for reading my jumbled text of confusing random depression. crying heart

I'm sorry to hear that you're stressing out Piano.
I really don't know what to say..
I've having my own mixed feelings about things as well.

aww piano..im sorry to hear about how you feel about people.
most of my feelings are bottled away..doing things like be online makes me feel a bit better..

what course you takinG? i was hoping you chose something arty for your career path..cuz your doing something you like xD

*notes to self*i should write these ages and birthdays down..it will help me greatly

nice journal!! i didnt know you were into dance/trance/techno whee nor did i know much at all lolz xD

edit: and i love that random art thing you drew!! <33

Yesh. =]

A NEW LEVEL

08-30-06. 7:04 AM.

Well. This just takes things to a whole new level, doesn't it? He ******** had oral sex with someone else. I wonder what else he's been keeping from me. Really, I wish he'd pour his heart and soul on the ground and admit to every single thing he's done to violate my trust and our relationship. He'll probably say that there's nothing else... I wouldn't believe him. He told me he'd never lie to me again. He told me he would be truthful. ...He told me it was just kissing. What the ******** ever.

Oh yeah-and it wasn't just three times he cheated on me. It was four. I guess he thought he'd lie to me about that, too. All the lies, they're getting really ridiculous. I don't care how ******** "brief" a relationship is, if he had one, it's considered cheating. ...He said he lied to me so he wouldn't hurt me. HA! HAHAHA. It would have made things a hell of a lot easier about two and a half years ago if he had the balls to tell me he did something wrong. He didn't even have the balls to tell me he had oral sex with someone, or there was yet another relationship that I didn't know about. ..He probably wouldn't have ever grown the balls to tell me any of this s**t. But, why would he want to? I was perfectly fooled in his ridiculous web of lies. I was completely deceived by his "love." Pfft... he was probably planning on keeping all of this s**t a secret and continue doing it.

..and then he begs me? He begged me to stay with him. He begged me, said he'd do anything for me, pleaded that I was the only person to ever stand by him. I suggested keeping him on a leash and burning off a bit of his foreskin every time he looked at another person. He said 'JUST DO IT.' ..But I'm too nice for that. Besides, I don't think that could make things better. I'm about ready to be really not nice.... I'm still too nice. My niceness has a limit, though.

So, now I'm back on the subject of, "How can I trust him?" Ah hah... I don't think I can. I don't believe that he can change just like that within two weeks. Especially after I've learned about another major lie. He needs to get his a** in gear. He needs to spill about EVERYTHING he's done. He needs to stop playing on the computer all day, start eating right, get out and exercise more, study to get his GED and permit... I may be pissed to no end, but I'm still worried about him. He needs to get his life on track. He shouldn't be taking this long of a break, he's been out of school longer than I have. I know he can do it.. I don't want him to be a wreck for the rest of his life.

I expected him to be everything that I expected out of myself--to be a lover that's a step off perfect. Our relationship is so scarred... I'm scarred. Thing's will never be 'normal' again. With all this s**t, I'm convinced that "nice guys" don't exist anymore. Either that, or I just can't attract them. God damn... I feel like my chest has a blender inside. This wasn't supposed to happen...

He says he needs my help to get through this--what the ********? He's got two parents. He may not have the best of relationships with them, but they're still his parents. He should ask and listen to advice they have to offer. He should ask them for help. They would help him, maybe not in a way he'd like, but they would. If he needed me, he would have cherished me like some kind of life source.

.. why does this hurt so much? Because I love him. I want him to change... but I don't believe that he can. He'll only hurt me again, regardless of his promises that he won't. I hate when my heart and mind clash...