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Of all the scenarios that could have played out, sitting on Jude's couch with one hand gripping the bluenette's and the other curled at his side while they kissed was not one of them. Grayson had been kissed before, had enjoyed it before, but there was such a simplicity and a pleasure to the kiss that it overwhelmed him a little. If there was a part of him that wondered, that cautioned against taking a step in a struggling relationship when there was disquiet in Jude's eyes, he didn't listen to it. Weakness or not, he'd meant that he would be there for as long as he could, whenever he could; that meant being whatever Jude needed of him as well. Because Jude was his friend.

Because he loved Jude. More than that, because he loved Jude and understood that he came second at best in Sagittarius' heart, likely would for as long as he could imagine. He couldn't say that he was all right with it, but with his forehead pressed against Jude's, eyes slowly opening, he knew that he wasn't strong enough to argue against it.

This close, their noses were bumping together, and it hurt his eyes a little to focus. So, he closed them again. Licked his lips, because it was a habit he'd probably never be able to break, the most obvious sign of unease in him even when everything else lied.

He didn't know what to say to the thank you, so he didn't say anything. He simply brought his free hand up, grazed his fingers along Jude's cheek and cupped it against his hand. A cold hand against a warm cheek, fingertips brushing against closed eyelashes.

The things he couldn't say he hoped, perhaps futilely, would be conveyed on their own.

I'm sorry hurt more than Just messing with you. It hurt more than Just kidding, and it even hurt more than I don't feel the same, because at least if they didn't feel what they needed to for you, they could admit it. I'm sorry meant regret, it meant an attempt and a failure; it meant that though there was a caring, there was not enough of one. Even wanting it to be enough, it wasn't. I'm sorry was a papercut to the heart, an infinitesimally tiny wound that hurt three times as much as anything else but was easiest to hide.

He never expected to hear I love you from Jude, but he wished he hadn't heard those two words. They were far more damning than anything else that could have been spoken.

Because he knew it would show in his eyes, he kept them closed, brushed his thumb along the ridge of Jude's cheek. There wasn't really room for an ache in him, because in order for there to be an ache, there would have had to be expectation. This was just confirmation of something he knew would always be missing, though knowing a thing and hearing it were different.

It wasn't a phrase he would forget. But he could bury it, as he had buried many other things.

"I'm not," he said finally, and he drew back, putting a space between them. He smiled, and it didn't even really hurt, loosened one hand from Jude's as he lowered both of his hands to his shoulders, leaned in to buss his cheek.

If Jude could see dishonesty in his face, it was only a reflection of his troubled thoughts. Grayson was truthful when he said, "We're not perfect, Jude, not even for each other. But I'm not sorry for that, and I'm not sorry for what we can't be. That wouldn't be fair."

He shifted his position on the couch, shoulders going inward a bit in a strange shrug. "I don't need anything more than you can give me." This was a lie. "The fact that you're trying is enough." This was not as much of a lie.

The fondness in his face was unmistakable. Wherever Jude's conflicted heart led him, it was obvious Grayson's had a steady and true path, and he was just stupid and devoted enough not to protect himself against what was all but doomed to fail.

Grayson didn't believe he was perfect, not for a single second, but that didn't make it any less of a balm. He watched Jude worry his lower lip, fastened his eyes on it as he raised a hand, ran the tips of two fingers over the surface slowly. As always, Grayson found his strength when it came time to stand for someone else, and short of his own family, there was no one in the world he would rather be the shield for. Imperfect though he was, he could try his best. He could always try his best.

Fingers bumping over Jude's chin, he tipped it up, smiled, and pressed a light kiss against his lips. No pressure, and certainly no demand. "From where I'm sitting, the only thing wrong with you is that you're determined to be too hard on yourself."

Many a time he had comforted Elke and even Tristan, though the latter would be loathe to admit it. He couldn't say it was exactly the same when he tried to ease Jude's troubles, but he could only use the resources he had and hope for the best.

There were as many reasons why Grayson should have been angry as reasons why he shouldn't. He should have been angry that he'd only realized what Jude meant to him when he'd almost lost him, for one. He should've been angry that he loved and couldn't help himself, even when he wanted to. When it came down to it, he ought to have been angry to be second place, second best, second choice -- should have stood up and shouted at the top of his voice that he wouldn't settle for anything less than he deserved by simple virtue of being a person who cared with all of his heart. He should have been angry that he couldn't do that.

Even with all of the reasons why piling up, it took one look at Jude to shatter his every defense. A look on his face, a haunting shadow that passed through his eyes, an undercurrent to his voice that spoke volumes beyond what words could express. It would have been easier to be angry, perhaps, or maybe it was easier to forgive. He couldn't say what was easiest, only what he knew he would do without even thinking about it, without giving himself a chance to consider.

Leading with the heart, like always. Even when the heart bled, even when it was poured into the lap of a man who didn't want him as just a replacement for the woman that he loved. As long as it could still beat, it would win over his head every time.

"I can't replace her." His fingers found messy blue hair, tangled in it. "I don't want to try."

He matched Jude's fervor, surpassed it for a moment. Broke away, spoke against his skin at the corner of his mouth. "I'm just Grayson, Jude." His mouth moved along Jude's jaw, and this time, he was the one whispering into his ear. "I don't have to be everything. Let me be just enough for right now."